Monthly Archives: May 2012

Protected: I Won’t Be Fooled Again


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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Life, Mental Illness, Personal, Thoughts | Enter your password to view comments.

Typing Through My Anxiety


It is approaching the time for me to leave for my doctor’s appointment and I am becoming very anxious.  My breathing speed has increased.  My hands are shaking.  My heart is beating hard and fast.  I’m sweating.  I’m about to cry.  I’m trying to go through exercises to calm myself down.  Asking myself questions to try and get around this anxiety.

What am I reacting to?  Not exactly sure.  I know the last few times I have gone I have had freak outs in the lobby.  I was about to run out last month when my doctor came out and saved me.  I think it is the thought of going that scares me.  I have to interact with other people in that lobby.  Not just “other people”, but people a whole lot more messed up than me.  A few visits ago a woman was sitting on the floor eating fried chicken and arguing with herself.

What is the worst thing that could happen?  I guess the worst thing that could logically happen is that I completely break down on the way over or in the lobby because I’m stressing over what COULD happen.  I doubt I will experience any physical harm on the way to my appointment, or while waiting to go in  (though who knows in Little Rock!).  The worst thing is that I will mind-fuck myself.

Am I blowing things out of proportion?  That’s a big fat YES.  Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Am I overestimating the danger?  Again, I’m gonna have to go with YES.  There is no real danger.  This is all in my head.  I am getting anxious over a possible anxiety attack.  Breathe, breathe, breathe.  Just thinking about it makes my pulse quicken again.  I am feeling better as I type this, then I remember all the other times I have freaked out in that office.  No, back to the questions:  YES I am overestimating the danger…shouldn’t knowing that help?

Ok.  I’m going to stop right there.  These questions are not helping me.  As I’m reading through them, I feel they may not be applicable.  The next question I was going to ask was “What’s most likely to happen?”.  I know the answer to that, and it is not good.  Next, “What do I think is going to happen?”  Again, not so good.  Next, “How important will it be in 6 months?”  Whatever, it may not matter then, but it matters NOW.  This is not helping.  These questions are making me focus on the walk into the building, and then sitting in the lobby.  Surrounded by people.  Trying not to make eye contact.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  DON’T TALK TO ME!!!!!

Breathe, breathe, breathe.  Let’s try a different flash card.  The question one didn’t work.  “I am calm and relaxed, right now”  “All is well, right here, right now”  It’s  my understanding that I should be repeating these sayings over and over until I believe them.  That’s what the website I got them from instructed me to do.  It sounds silly, but I guess I’ll try that one.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.  ALL IS WELL, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.  All is well.  There is nothing wrong.  I am not in any danger.  I am not being threatened.  My mind is trying to trip me up.  Thoughts are not facts.  ALL IS WELL, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.  No one is talking to me.  I don’t need to make any decisions.  There is nothing logically to worry about.  ALL IS WELL, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

Okay, it’s time for me to leave.  I do feel better.  I am going to try and repeat this over and over until I am sitting in that office.  If I am overcome with anxiety, I won’t be able to tell my doctor what a shitty job she’s doing.  Breathe, breathe, breathe.  Let’s see how this works.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Life, Mental Illness, Personal, Therapy, Thoughts, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Protected: F*** Them Right in the Ear!


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Savage Garden – To the Moon and Back


This song has always made me think of me, even since back in the 90s when it first came out. I used to listen to it in high school over and over, thinking they were singing about me. Unlike the song, however, I never thought anyone would come along who would love me and understand me. My husband and I may have our issues (as any two people with mental illnesses would), but I know that I am 100% committed to him and he is 100% committed to me. I don’t have to worry about him leaving me because I got too crazy one day. I have been hurt by many people. I recently learned that I cannot count on the woman I thought was my best friend. It is really sinking in that I can’t count on the family I was born into. The only person is my husband. My husband and my dog! 🙂 I think I’m too damaged for anyone else.

“To The Moon And Back”

She’s taking her time making up
     the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Guess she knows from the smile
     and the look in their eyes
Everyone’s got a theory about the
     bitter one
They’re saying, “Mamma never loved
     her much”
And, “Daddy never keeps in touch
That’s why she shies away from
     human affection”
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she’s waiting for the right
     kind of pilot to come
And she’ll say to him
She’s saying

[chorus:]
I would fly to the moon & back if
     you’ll be…
If you’ll be my baby
Got a ticket for a world where we
     belong
So would you be my baby?

She can’t remember a time when she
     felt needed
If love was red then she was colour
     blind
All her friends they’ve been tried for
     treason
And crimes that were never defined
She’s saying, “Love is like a barren
     place,
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don’t have a
     map for”
So baby’s gonna take a dive and
Push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she’s hanging
All her hopes on the stars
What a pleasant dream
Just saying

[chorus]

(hold on… hold on…)

Mamma never loved her much
And Daddy never keeps in touch
That’s why she shies away from
     human affection
But somewhere in a private place
She packs her bags for outer space
And now she’s waiting for the right
     kind of pilot to come
And she’ll say to him
Just saying

[chorus twice]

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Health, Life, Personal, Thoughts, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Protected: And the Cycle Continues…


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They Think I’m Incompetent


I always walk away from every conversation thinking that the person I just spoke with must think I am the stupidest person on the planet.  I am convinced that I leave everyone with the general opinion that I am inarticulate, uneducated, incompetent, unsure, awkward, scared, vapid and idiotic.  I have to tell myself as I walk away that those thoughts are not true, and are just floating around in my head to fuck with me.

I walk away, out of breath, shaking, sweating, heart RACING.  I run through the conversation in my head, trying to think about how I could have said something differently/better.  I know there are funny looks crossing my face.  I can feel my face contort as I replay the conversation.  I can only imagine what I must look like to passers-by.

The past week or so, as I have walked away and the thoughts start bubbling up about what a fool I come across as, I tell myself that, just because I’m thinking it, doesn’t mean it’s true.  I also try to think about the fact that I cannot change what has just happened.  I try to take deep breaths as I’m walking back to my desk (I really only talk to people at work, and only when I have to), telling myself over and over, “I can’t change the past.  BREATHE.  I can’t change the past.  BREATHE.”  It’s helped a little.  I have been trying to stop my negative thoughts before they can really intensify and become out of control.  As long as I can keep my thoughts tampered down, I think I have a halfway decent chance of not completely losing it today.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Life, Personal, Thoughts, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Can’t We All Relate?


I borrowed this from i am mental and so are you.  It really hit me.  Can’t we all relate to feeling this way?  Shoving it down inside and hiding it from everyone who claims to care. 

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Health, Life, Personal, Thoughts | Leave a comment

I can’t keep going like this! HELP HELP HELP


This cannot continue.  I’m driving my husband away with my behavior and speech.  The messed up part is that I CAN’T SEE when I’m hurting him.  I don’t know that I’ve said something I shouldn’t until the damage has been done.  I say things and I don’t realize how they sound, I guess.  I think things through in my head (or, I’ve been making attempts to) before I say them, and they still come out wrong.  I keep hurting him.  I am always nit-picking.  I am critical and I micro-manage.  How do I stop?  I have decided to just NOT SPEAK.  I am not going to say ANYTHING unless I am asked a direct question or if it is necessary to say.  I don’t know what else to do.  I feel like I may have already screwed my marriage into the ground.  I think it may be too late to save it.  I know he needs me to change IMMEDIATELY and I can’t.  I am trying.  I am absolutely making progress.  I can see it.  When he’s not mad at me, my husband sees it.  The problem is, he also sees the many areas where I fuck things up.  He feels the hurt.  He feels the pain.  I want to just go off on a desert island until I can stop hurting him.  I want to be away from him until I can get my head straight.  I don’t want to hurt him anymore, but can’t make the immediate changes he needs.  I don’t want to loose him, but I’m afraid I can’t fix this.  What do I do?  How do I keep my words/thoughts/actions under control?  How can I fix this faster?  HELP HELP HELP

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Life, Personal, Thoughts | 4 Comments

The Worst Part of BPD


I feel like I am constantly living my life in a daze.  Everything has sort of a dream-like quality.  Everything is hazy.  It’s surreal.  I can’t remember much on a day to day basis.  I have to write anything down that I want to remember.  I have a hard time looking back in my memory and differentiating which days are which.  Everything blends together.  I float from one moment to the next, trying not to fall off the edge.  The weirdest part of that is that I’m not on any kind of medication.

I think that I will be able to remember this weekend, though.  I came home from work Friday evening to find that my husband had built me a fire pit in our backyard for me.  He had dug a wide but not-too-deep hole in the dirt and edged it with large rocks.  That night we cooked hamburgers over the fire and sat outside until well past dark.  Sunday night we roasted marshmallows.  It was so considerate of him to do that for me.  I’ve been especially difficult lately (but trying to work on it!) and he put all day Friday into making the fire pit for me because I like sitting in front of a fire.  He spent hours digging, collecting rocks, and gathering wood for the fire.  He was so sore the next day after all that manual labor.  It made me cry knowing what he did for me.  I have been such a bitch since I started and then stopped taking an anti-depressant, I really don’t know how he can stand to be in the same room as me, much less make me a fire pit so we can spend the evening around a fire.  My husband is so awesome.  I really feel for him that he has to put up with me.  I know I don’t make it easy.  I am trying to be different.  Trying to be different for him.  I am (slowly) learning to think things through and not just respond based on my emotions.  Hopefully one day I will be able to speak without hurting him.

That’s one of the worst parts of BPD – Hurting the person you love most.  He has supported me and stuck with me when no one else did.  We have been through 9 years together, and he STILL loves me!  I can’t seem to stop myself from saying stupid, hurtful things to him, though.  There are even times that I have hurt him and have no idea what I said/did to hurt him.  Some days I think I would be better served to just staple my mouth shut.  I could cry right now thinking of the pain he has to endure because of me.  We had a decent weekend.  I was able to not immediately react and not say as many stupid things as usual.  I hope today will be good, too.  I want to give him as many good days as possible.  He’s put up with so much.  Now that I know what the problem is, I’m actively trying to adapt and change.  I’m making slow progress, but at least that makes me hopeful that maybe I won’t always act like a little shit.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Life, Personal, Thoughts | Leave a comment

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