My Mask of Stone

I hate being at work.  Not for the reasons one may initially think.  I am just so tired of having to hide everything.  I know I can’t share what I’m feeling (who would understand?), but I hate having to bury the fear, sadness, emptiness, anxiety, EVERYTHING and instead put on my mask of stone.  It consists of flat eyes, blank stare, no expression.  The only time expressions may break the stone is when I’m watching the other person, waiting for their expressions/looks/smiles/frowns so that I know how to act.  So I know how to respond.  I feel like the world’s biggest fake, and I feel like everyone knows (unless it’s a time when I feel I’m hiding things well, LOL).  On one hand, my mask of stone seems to be working well.  Part of the day I think I have everyone fooled.  They don’t see me dying inside.  They don’t see me wanting to run out of the room screaming before I explode from all the fear and anxiety threatening to get out.  They don’t see me question everything.  Every word.  Every action.  They don’t know how often I wonder whether or not they like me (But why do I care?  DAMN!  I HATE THIS!!).  They don’t know that if they aren’t overly complimentary and kind that I’m afraid they are going to try to get me fired.

But maybe they DO know.  There are also times during the day where I am absolutely SURE that everyone can read my thoughts.  They know what’s bouncing around in my head.  I swear there are times when people look at me and think one of two things:  “Wow, this is the fakest person I’ve ever met.  Is anything that’s coming out of her mouth true?”  OR  “What is wrong with her?  She looks like she has some kind of major issue.  I think she’s about to lose it.  I better get away from her.”

They think I’m fake because I don’t have any true interests.  No true opinions.  My opinion is the same as the person I’m talking to – Sometimes.  Sometimes it’s the exact opposite.  LOL   Anyway, I feel like I agree with people too quickly.  I act like the things they talk about are TOO great, TOO interesting.  I laugh too loud.  I feel like a kiss ass.  Most of the time I don’t know WHAT I think about any given topic.  Add that to the fact that I am PETRIFIED while these people are talking to me.  I will do whatever I can to end the conversation.  I just know that they can see how stupid and inadequate I am.  I’m so pathetic.

Whoops, it slipped a little.  Gotta get my head back in the game.  Time to affix the mask of stone to my face so it won’t fall off again.  Only 2 more hours.  I think the glue will hold.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Health, Life, Personal, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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