I Hate Hazelnut

I’m such a people pleaser…sometimes.  I think my husband may disagree, though.  I feel so stupid about this!  The other day I was in Target with a co-worker/semi-supervisor (it’s really weird), and she asked if I liked a certain cookie/candy thing.  It’s a long wafer stick, kinda like a straw, and has some kind of light filling.  Why, when she asked if I like them, did I say, “I’ve never had them”?  Why couldn’t I just say, “No, I really don’t like those.”?  Thinking back, I can’t imagine that she would have been upset or offended if I said I didn’t like them.  For some reason I have a hard time letting people (other than my husband!) know that I disagree with them.  “For some reason”?  Yeah, it’s called borderline personality disorder.  Anyway, so, since I was so pathetic that I couldn’t say I DIDN’T like the cookie thing, she bought them so we could share them during the day at the office.  And she had to go and buy hazelnut.  I HATE hazelnut! 

When we got back to the office, she handed me one to try.  I knew I was going to hate it, but took a bite, anyway.  God, I really hate myself sometimes (more like all the time).  As I was chewing, wishing I could spit the cookie out but couldn’t because she was watching me, I was nodding and making sounds like it was good.  After I swallowed I told her how great it was.  When she wasn’t looking I buried the rest of it in the trash can.

Since then, every couple days she gives me another.  Yesterday she told me to take two.  I did refuse that time – I only took one.  LOL  Yup, pretty pathetic.  Each time she offers me a cookie, I take it.  Then, I eat part of it, trying not to vomit in my mouth as I do.  As soon as I can I dump it in the trash.  I feel like I’m in so deep at this point.  I mean, what am I going to do, tell her I don’t like those cookies next time she offers me one?  How would that make me look?  Like a pathetic, simpering fool who either doesn’t know what she wants or can’t articulate it.

I can’t stand myself.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Health, Life, Personal, Thoughts, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

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