I feel like I am constantly living my life in a daze. Everything has sort of a dream-like quality. Everything is hazy. It’s surreal. I can’t remember much on a day to day basis. I have to write anything down that I want to remember. I have a hard time looking back in my memory and differentiating which days are which. Everything blends together. I float from one moment to the next, trying not to fall off the edge. The weirdest part of that is that I’m not on any kind of medication.
I think that I will be able to remember this weekend, though. I came home from work Friday evening to find that my husband had built me a fire pit in our backyard for me. He had dug a wide but not-too-deep hole in the dirt and edged it with large rocks. That night we cooked hamburgers over the fire and sat outside until well past dark. Sunday night we roasted marshmallows. It was so considerate of him to do that for me. I’ve been especially difficult lately (but trying to work on it!) and he put all day Friday into making the fire pit for me because I like sitting in front of a fire. He spent hours digging, collecting rocks, and gathering wood for the fire. He was so sore the next day after all that manual labor. It made me cry knowing what he did for me. I have been such a bitch since I started and then stopped taking an anti-depressant, I really don’t know how he can stand to be in the same room as me, much less make me a fire pit so we can spend the evening around a fire. My husband is so awesome. I really feel for him that he has to put up with me. I know I don’t make it easy. I am trying to be different. Trying to be different for him. I am (slowly) learning to think things through and not just respond based on my emotions. Hopefully one day I will be able to speak without hurting him.
That’s one of the worst parts of BPD – Hurting the person you love most. He has supported me and stuck with me when no one else did. We have been through 9 years together, and he STILL loves me! I can’t seem to stop myself from saying stupid, hurtful things to him, though. There are even times that I have hurt him and have no idea what I said/did to hurt him. Some days I think I would be better served to just staple my mouth shut. I could cry right now thinking of the pain he has to endure because of me. We had a decent weekend. I was able to not immediately react and not say as many stupid things as usual. I hope today will be good, too. I want to give him as many good days as possible. He’s put up with so much. Now that I know what the problem is, I’m actively trying to adapt and change. I’m making slow progress, but at least that makes me hopeful that maybe I won’t always act like a little shit.