Typing Through My Anxiety

It is approaching the time for me to leave for my doctor’s appointment and I am becoming very anxious.  My breathing speed has increased.  My hands are shaking.  My heart is beating hard and fast.  I’m sweating.  I’m about to cry.  I’m trying to go through exercises to calm myself down.  Asking myself questions to try and get around this anxiety.

What am I reacting to?  Not exactly sure.  I know the last few times I have gone I have had freak outs in the lobby.  I was about to run out last month when my doctor came out and saved me.  I think it is the thought of going that scares me.  I have to interact with other people in that lobby.  Not just “other people”, but people a whole lot more messed up than me.  A few visits ago a woman was sitting on the floor eating fried chicken and arguing with herself.

What is the worst thing that could happen?  I guess the worst thing that could logically happen is that I completely break down on the way over or in the lobby because I’m stressing over what COULD happen.  I doubt I will experience any physical harm on the way to my appointment, or while waiting to go in  (though who knows in Little Rock!).  The worst thing is that I will mind-fuck myself.

Am I blowing things out of proportion?  That’s a big fat YES.  Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Am I overestimating the danger?  Again, I’m gonna have to go with YES.  There is no real danger.  This is all in my head.  I am getting anxious over a possible anxiety attack.  Breathe, breathe, breathe.  Just thinking about it makes my pulse quicken again.  I am feeling better as I type this, then I remember all the other times I have freaked out in that office.  No, back to the questions:  YES I am overestimating the danger…shouldn’t knowing that help?

Ok.  I’m going to stop right there.  These questions are not helping me.  As I’m reading through them, I feel they may not be applicable.  The next question I was going to ask was “What’s most likely to happen?”.  I know the answer to that, and it is not good.  Next, “What do I think is going to happen?”  Again, not so good.  Next, “How important will it be in 6 months?”  Whatever, it may not matter then, but it matters NOW.  This is not helping.  These questions are making me focus on the walk into the building, and then sitting in the lobby.  Surrounded by people.  Trying not to make eye contact.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  DON’T TALK TO ME!!!!!

Breathe, breathe, breathe.  Let’s try a different flash card.  The question one didn’t work.  “I am calm and relaxed, right now”  “All is well, right here, right now”  It’s  my understanding that I should be repeating these sayings over and over until I believe them.  That’s what the website I got them from instructed me to do.  It sounds silly, but I guess I’ll try that one.

Breathe, breathe, breathe.  ALL IS WELL, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.  All is well.  There is nothing wrong.  I am not in any danger.  I am not being threatened.  My mind is trying to trip me up.  Thoughts are not facts.  ALL IS WELL, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.  No one is talking to me.  I don’t need to make any decisions.  There is nothing logically to worry about.  ALL IS WELL, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.

Okay, it’s time for me to leave.  I do feel better.  I am going to try and repeat this over and over until I am sitting in that office.  If I am overcome with anxiety, I won’t be able to tell my doctor what a shitty job she’s doing.  Breathe, breathe, breathe.  Let’s see how this works.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Life, Mental Illness, Personal, Therapy, Thoughts, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Typing Through My Anxiety

  1. Chris

    I know *somewhat* what you are going through because I started on my mental illness only two weeks ago when I had my always present midgrade anxiety explode into a supernova of fullblown agitation that sent me into the psych ward for a week and now I am on 200mg/d seroquel and if I stop that the anxiety supernova returns full force. Akathisia,heart racing, panic and I forget a lot of shit because the limbic system also is responsible for converting shortterm memory into longterm. Dont remember much of my life and this is a blessing. Little secret: Yes I want to die if this is going to last me a lifetime because yes it is this shitty. Dont tell my psych though and no worries not exactly about to off myself just now … Just to give an idea how terrible this all is I never thought I would kill myself over my blackest and darkest depression but the anxiety bullshit thats an entirely new ballgame. I dont know really w hat you personally are going through but again now I know what real anxiety and mental illness is. Dont know who you are but love and take care.

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