Monthly Archives: June 2012

No Thoughts, Emotions Only

I had a little break through in my DBT session yesterday.  We were talking about mindfulness.  I was asked about thoughts in my head.  I told the intern that I didn’t HAVE any thoughts in my head.  I told him that people would ask my opinion on things, what I like, what I think, and I would never have an answer.  I don’t have thoughts rolling around in my head – I only have emotions.  I told him that I am so overwhelmed by my emotions all the time that I don’t have actual thoughts.  It’s all about how I feel.  It totally sucks, too.  If I had THOUGHTS, I could pinpoint them and tell myself they were wrong.  I can control my thoughts.  I have power over my thoughts.  How can I control my emotions?  If I am so overwhelmed with sadness, I don’t have room to think.  I can’t think when I’m angry.  I can’t think when I’m anxious.  I JUST CAN’T THINK.

I am so confused all the time, I really have a hard time concentrating when I try to bring thoughts into my head.  They will flit out quickly, leaving me with no memory of what I was trying to think out.  I was trying to do some simple math in my head this morning but couldn’t keep the numbers straight.  I have to plant a thought in my head and say it over and over.  If there is a certain skill from therapy I should be working on that week, I will keep repeating it to myself.  Otherwise it will leave my head, and I will be left with uncontrollable emotions.

The next section we are talking about in therapy is emotional regulation.  Hopefully this will be of some benefit to me.  Maybe once I get my emotions under control, I can get my life back.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, DBT, Life, Mental Illness, Therapy, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My life on YouTube

I had a very clear example in the middle of the night of how I completely restructure the past in my head.  I put my own spin on it, and seem to only remember it through the haze of whatever emotion I was feeling at the time.  My husband has been telling me for a loooong time that I misremember things.  I have been telling HIM that HE is the one who can’t remember.  He is 17 years older than me.  It makes sense that his memory is going.  Unfortunately it looks like he is right in his assessment of me, yet again.

We just started watching MasterChef.  We have been Hell’s Kitchen fans for a while, so we decided to start watching season 3 of MasterChef the other evening.  The first contestant was a young Asian man.  He commented that he had recently come out to his father.  In my memory, one of the judges, Graham, was inappropriately coming on to the young Asian man.  I thought that he was pushing for a date, grilling the young contestant about whether or not he had a boyfriend.  I remember being appalled as I saw this man in power make suggestive faces at the contestant who was only reaching for his dreams.  I saw a hug at the end between Graham and the contestant that seemed to go on for too long, and involved back rubbing.  I walked away from the first episode I had ever seen of MasterChef thinking that Graham was a nasty, smarmy, sexually aggressive gay man.  Let me take the time to note here that I do not have an issue with homosexual people, nor do I think Graham had those negative attributes because he was gay.

As we watched the next few episodes, my view of Graham was tainted.  I didn’t like listening to him.  I didn’t like looking at him.  I thought he was wrong to use his power to try and force his personal, sexual agenda on another person that he had just met.  I made a comment or two to my husband about Graham being gay, too.  Nothing negative.  I can’t even remember the context.  My husband finally questioned me about Graham being gay when we were watching an episode in the middle of the night.  He told me that Graham was married (he was wearing a ring on THAT finger, but that could mean anything nowadays).

I stubbornly shook my head and took the time to explain the encounter with the first contestant we had watched.  My husband listened to me with a strange look on his face.  I was upset when I was finished, and he told me that nothing I “remembered” had actually happened.  I wouldn’t give.  I knew what I remembered.  I took some time to search out the video on YouTube.  My husband and I watched it together.  Here is what ACTUALLY happened, or, at least, what DIDN’T happen:

  • Graham did not start by pressuring the Asian man for a date.  Ramsay asked the contestant if he had a girlfriend.  The young man said he was gay.  At the same time, Ramsay and Graham asked if he had a boyfriend.  Totally innocent.
  • Graham was not making suggestive faces at the contestant.  He licked his lips at one point in anticipation of the dish.  Totally innocent.
  • The hug at the end came AFTER Ramsay told the man he got through. Ramsay hugged the guy first.  Then Graham hugged the guy.  It wasn’t long.  There was no back rubbing.  Totally innocent

What I remember happening couldn’t have been further from the truth.  I have no idea how I got the encounter so wrong.  I was glad that we could look it up on YouTube to find out what happened, but very bothered at the conclusion I would have to draw from this:  I misremember the past.  My emotions color my memories in negative and incorrect ways.

If I don’t remember things properly, what does that say about my life?  It makes me question EVERYTHING.  Every event I remember.  Every word said to me.  Maybe I was wrong in kicking some people out of my life.  Maybe they weren’t so bad afterall.  I still feel so hurt and angry about everything in my past.  I can’t have it wrong.  I just don’t know what to think now.  I just don’t know.  It would be nice if I could have someone follow me around and put every part of my life on YouTube.  Then I would know for SURE what happened.  Then I would know if I was feeling the right thing.  If I remembered the right thing.  If I’ve acted the right way.



Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Relationships, Stress, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Please just let it be over

I have a couple projects for work that I need to complete.  I am at work right now.  Sitting at my desk.  My computer is working – no problems there.  It’s not terribly quiet in the office, but not so loud that I can’t work.  I have all the necessary information needed to get these things done.  I’m just feeling so overwhelmed right now.  These projects aren’t difficult, but they are time consuming.  I can’t focus on it right now.  It seems like I have to do SO MUCH, I don’t even know where to begin.  I’ve done a little here, and a little there, but nothing to really put a dent in this pile.  There’s not really a deadline, so it’s not like I have to rush.  I guess I just need to take a small step, and go from there.  “Do the next right thing.”  Don’t focus on the big picture, on how MUCH there is, just look at the next ONE thing I need to do.  Ok, I think I can handle that.  I think my main problem is that I am just ready for this day to be over with.  For this WEEK to be over with.  This is my first week with my new boss.  There is nothing wrong with him (Besides that he chews tobacco and spits it in a clear cup on his desk!!!!), he is just different than the other boss.  Maybe it seems different because, at least towards the end, she (old boss) had a small idea of what I was going through.  My new  boss has NO CLUE, and I have no intention of sharing any of my mental struggles with him.  He talks a lot, though.  He expects me to engage him in conversation, which is pretty difficult for me, at least on a long term basis.  He also doesn’t really know what he’s doing.  He didn’t have a lot of training time since my previous boss was fired unexpectedly for political reasons.  He asks me A LOT of questions.  I know most of the answers, but not all, making me feel stupid and incompetent.  Now I’m feeling the familiar pull of a panic attack.  Tight chest.  Shallow breathing.  Feeling like I can’t stop the tears.  Needing to RUN RUN RUN.  I guess I need to pull out some DBT exercises and try them.  Damn, I just want to hide.  And cry.  And scream.  Fuck, I’m never going to get this work done.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Kinda funny, kinda not

Something was going on to frustrate my new boss.  He was saying how he’s sick of all the political shit that goes on in the office.  He’s sick of his computer problems.  He’s sick of paying invoices.  Then he turned to me and asked, “Do you have a razor blade?”  I almost pulled it out of my desk.  Then I caught myself and just laughed with him.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Self Harm | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I made it through yesterday

I didn’t cut yesterday.  I was busy at work all day and it pretty much left my mind.  That’s all.  Just wanted to update.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Self Harm | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I’m conflicted

I’m perplexed.  I want to cut, but I’m really not sure why.  Last night Jay and I worked things out.  At least, more so than it has been lately.  I think we each came to a new understanding of each other.  He is making steps towards me, and I am making steps towards him.  Things don’t seem quite so hopeless as they did.  Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Maybe the rest of my life won’t be a black hole, sucking me down further and further until I can’t take it anymore and feel the need to take drastic measures.

Jay asked me this morning how I felt.  I wasn’t sure.  He asked what was going on in my head.  I didn’t want to tell him that I had already picked the spot for my next cut.  I don’t understand.  I’m not overwhelmed with emotion.  I don’t really feel much of anything at the moment.  Maybe that’s why I feel compelled to cut again today.  There is some song that says, “it’s better to feel pain than feel nothing at all”.  It’s so crazy (yup, that’s me!) that I go back and forth so easily between being overwhelmed with feelings, and feeling nothing.  I am totally empty inside at the moment.  I have also noticed that the pain is wearing off from the other places I’ve recently cut.  Part of what I like is moving a certain way throughout the day and getting that stabbing pain where my clothes rub against my uncovered cut.  I try picking the scabs off to keep that feeling, but it eventually dulls, leaving me with the desire to make a fresh wound.

I know I’m fucked up.  I wish I wasn’t.  I can’t even really grasp what’s going on with me right now.  I don’t really need to cut, but I NEED to cut.  It’s like an addiction.  I’ve read that pain releases endorphins and other feel-good thingys into your brain.  I guess that’s what it is.  Maybe it’s feeling something good.  I don’t know.  I haven’t cut yet.  But the thought is there.  It’s building and building and building.  I was given some handouts yesterday about how to soothe without harming yourself.  I know I should look over them again.   I know I should call my therapist and tell her what I am thinking.  I KNOW I’M WRONG.  I don’t want to do those things, though.  I want to cut myself.  I have it set in my head that it will make me feel better.  I know that in order to get better and straighten my head out, I need to get rid of the self-harming behaviors.  I just can’t let go yet.  Does anyone understand this?  I know what I SHOULD do, but I am also convinced that I will feel better if I do what I SHOULDN’T do.  I can’t fucking bring myself to do what I need to.  I just want to hurt myself.  What a piece of shit.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Self Harm | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Deep, dark, black hole

I wish I wasn’t so sad.  That word hardly seems to fit what I’m feeling.  Wretched?  Despondent?  Forlorn?  Those sound better.  I just want to cry.  I just want to sit down and cry.  Really bawl my eyes out.  I tried to the other day in the shower, but I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t cry.  It really seems that when I have the chance to cry, I can’t, but when it is a HORRIBLE time to let loose (like at work or while driving), that’s when the tears flow freely.  I’m just so down.  I feel so far down, I don’t know if I can pull myself back up.  I don’t know how to anymore.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Who is this angry girl? She’s new.

My anger is starting to get out of control.  It has been simmering below the surface for a while, but so far I’ve been able to keep it suppressed.  All I’ve had to do, up till now, is slam my fist down on something hard.  That get’s the anger out pretty well.  Not this weekend.  I exploded.  I don’t even remember most of it.  The end result was a hole in the wall from my fist, a hole in the wall from my foot, a falling off the wall doorframe, a broken lamp, and a petrified dog.  I had tried to talk to my doctor on Friday about my anger.  I could feel it getting more and more intense.  I almost threw a stapler across my office the other day.  There wasn’t much she said that helped me.  She said she understood my problem to be emotional regulation (dysregulation?), and that that topic would be approached at some point.  Great.  Until then we are learning how to make it through a crisis situation without killing ourselves.  I guess that’s good, but I really need to get these emotions under control.  My cutting is getting worse, too.   All the poisons are coming out.  Unfortunately not in very positive or healthy ways.  My one-on-one therapy should start soon.  I hope I can hold out till then.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s a “Final Cut” kinda day

I think I am going to spend the day listening to Pink Floyd’s “The Final Cut”.  The entire album.  ALL. DAY. LONG.  I wanted to do this yesterday, but, knowing that it is not beneficial for me to be listening to this music, I decided against it.  Today, I say, “FUCK IT!”  I bet I won’t get past this day without a scratch.  LMFAO

Pink Floyd “The Final Cut”

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Mental Illness, Music | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Yes, I talk to myself. Did I mention I’m crazy?

My boss (who sits very close to my desk) told me the other day that she must be rubbing off on me.  She said that I am talking to myself more, and I didn’t used to do that.  I disagree.  I think I have pretty much ALAWYS talked to myself, but I’m glad that I hid it from her for so long.  I was wondering why it is that I DO talk to myself.  I know “they” say it’s ok to talk to yourself as long as you don’t answer.  Well, I guess I’m fucked.  I answer myself all the time!  Yeah, I’m crazy.

I realized today, though, that I talk to myself because I am insecure and unsure of things.  Not only do I say things to try and talk myself out of a crazy episode, but I say what I am doing, as I am doing it.  Out loud.  And other people hear me.  I can’t tell you how many times I am just chatting with myself and have a coworker ask me to repeat myself because they (understandably) think that I’m talking to them.  I also talk out loud to myself to try and explain away the stupid things I do.  I started to walk one way, realized I needed to go in a different direction, so, as I changed my course, I was quietly talking to myself, saying, “No, I need to go this way to see Peggy.”  I think that I say these things and explain away my actions because I don’t want someone on the outside to see me and say, “What is wrong with HER?”  I don’t know why I think talking to myself seems less crazy than walking in one direction and abruptly going the other way.

I am slowly falling apart at work.  I have a hard time hearing people, so I am constantly asking them to repeat themselves.  I think I can’t hear quite right because I am so wrapped up in the world going on in my head, I don’t hear the real world outside my head.  I do hear when people approach me, though.  I sure as fuck know when someone is walking up on me.  I can definitely hear that. I am awkward to talk to.  I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know how to respond.  I don’t know how to be easy or carefree.  I am obviously uncomfortable talking to people.  It shows.  I laugh all the time.  Not a real laugh because something is funny, but an uncomfortable laugh EVERY TIME someone says something.  Every time.  And now, it’s noticeable that I talk to myself.  Did I mention that I’m crazy?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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