Cracks in the Mask

I feel compelled to write something, but don’t have anything to write.  I’m feeling a little better than I was earlier.  Maybe “better” isn’t the right word.  I’m feeling different.  I am still feeling detached, though not as much.  I am feeling sad right now.  I’m not sure why.  I don’t feel like crying, not at the moment, anyway.  I feel like I keep saying the wrong thing.  I will be talking to someone and realize that what I’m saying doesn’t quite make sense.  I have noticed myself recently trailing off when I’m talking.  I also have a hard time articulating myself.  I can’t find the words I want to use.  My brain is mush.  I stumble over sentences.  I sound like a bumbling idiot.  I’m ok writing.  I can actually think and plan what I am going to say.  It doesn’t help that the past few days people have been looking at me weird.  This is not just paranoia…I don’t think.  They will say something and then just look at me, right in the eyes, and be silent.  A couple people have done this to me in the last week or so.  I think they are starting to realize that there is something wrong with me.  I’m not sure how long I can hide this.  I really feel a break down coming on.  I’m trying to hold on.  During the day I just keep pushing through until 5.  I walk out to my vehicle and sit there, trying not to cry.  I go home and collapse.  As the week continues I keep looking towards the weekend, thinking I will be able to relax and regroup.  Straighten my head out.  It doesn’t usually work.  There is no end in sight.  I work for a temporary agency, but, this position has been going for 4 months already, and it looks like it will continue for another 5-6  months. 

I was informed the other day that I would FINALLY be starting therapy…in 3-4 weeks.  I guess that’s better than nothing.  That’s actually better than I had originally anticipated, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain.  I think things will start to turn around when I have a professional guiding me instead of me trying to work things out on my own.  I just hope I last that long.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Health, Life, Mental Illness, Personal, Therapy, Thoughts, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Cracks in the Mask

  1. The one accomplishment of my only good therapist was to help me trust the first words that came out of my mouth. I was once at a point where I wouldn’t even speak, for fear of miscommunicating my thoughts. He described to me my own thoughts and feelings, in his own words, accurately enough for me to realize that, in the end, the gist of my meaning would get across, even if the detail wouldn’t. It’s not perfect, but it’s something.

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