Yeah, it’s a bad day

I just spent a few minutes studying my face in the mirror.  I was surprised to discover that I look quite normal.  I sure don’t feel normal, not right now.  I feel like a separate person trapped in my mind.  Like a literal, little me, walking around in the echoing cave that is my mind.  Banging my fists against the cold, steel walls in frustration.  Gazing through the grungy  windows that are my eyes, wondering if anyone can see me.  Afraid I’ll be lost and alone if they don’t.  Afraid I’ll be found out if they do.

I am a separate entity from the “normal me” that everyone sees walking around.  The little me runs around my mind, slamming into the walls, SCREAMING, looking for a way out.   It’s hopeless.  There is no way out.  Little me just sits in the corner to cry.  What else can I do?

The “normal me” walks around as an empty void.  Can’t think.  Can’t feel.  Can’t remember.  Can’t function.  All that’s present is anger and sadness.  There’s nothing else.  No joy.  No happiness.  No passion.  No excitement.  No interest.

I want to run.  I feel like the only solution, besides getting shit faced drunk, is to leave.  Go ANYWHERE.  I just need to get out.  I’ll take my dog and husband with me, if they’ll go, but I need to get out of here.  I feel there is no hope here.  It is a black pit, sucking me down deeper and deeper until I’m so weighed down with despair I can’t even lift my head up.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Health, Life, Mental Illness, Personal, Thoughts, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Yeah, it’s a bad day

  1. My therapist (the only good one) once pointed out to me that anger and sadness isn’t nothing – it’s feeling. Not necessarily enjoyable, but feeling nonetheless. And it’s a sign of life. If it helps, I used to make it through the day by looking forward to the corner I’d be crawling into at the end of it.

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