I guess that’s it, then

How ironic.  Just as I was thinking things were getting better, it all goes to shit.  Why does the fact that I am told that I can’t change things not make it better?  It is my understanding that I do not have the tools to “fix” what is wrong with me.  I was never taught how to properly regulate emotions.  I DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT RIGHT.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot change this.  I literally CANNOT CHANGE THIS.  I have tried.  I have tried so hard!!!  I have spent so much time wondering why, when I try and I try and I try, I still cannot change anything.  Then, when I was diagnosed with BPD, it all made sense.  That’s why I can’t change it alone!  I know that I need help to do this.  I am trying.  I am seeking counseling.  I am looking online for self help.  I am reading about the triumphs and the struggles of other people with the same diagnosis.  I cannot do any more.  I’m tired of trying and failing.  I’m so sick of this.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Health, Life, Marriage, Mental Illness, Personal, Relationships, Stress, Therapy, Thoughts, Uncategorized | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “I guess that’s it, then

  1. This might sound nuts, but the one thing that helped me regulate the disorder was to print up the Wikipedia article on it (it’s pretty much dead on) & I read it every day. And reading it every day had me really on top of my responses to things, because it was so fresh in my head, I could recognize it before it manifested in any negative way.

    It took me a while but I mostly have control over it. That said, at this stage – 3 years later, I EMBRACE whatever I am. I don’t care anymore. It isn’t my fault that I have a personality disorder, I didn’t select it personally, it selected me. I try not to think in terms of “what is wrong” with me. I hope I don’t sound preachy (I know my last comment was straight up “I get it” – & I feel like dying at this moment – but aside from that I really do embrace what I am, it’s just easier to live that way.

    Have you tried DBT? It didn’t work for me, but I know you can order stuff from Amazon based on it – allegedly the ONLY therapy for DBT – personally I find “The Tao: A Path & a Practice” by William Martin to be much more helpful than writing sticky notes to put on my windshield for incidents of road rage. I did 6 months DBT intensive, possibly worse than my suicide attempts, but it does work for alot of people.

    So, I get it, but try not to beat up on yourself. As the Tao would tell you, it’s wasting good energy on bad energy.

    Love & hugs,

    (& seriously, try that wiki thing, I just started reading it on my laptop all the time & when I found it was somehow HELPING me, I printed it & read it & it built up a defense. Strange but true!)

    • Printing out the Wikipedia page is a good suggestion. As for DBT, I have an appt on Wednesday to discuss it with a therapist. I have been trying to do CBT on my own. I understand it is similar to DBT.

      Thanks for the tip. 🙂

  2. If you’re doing all you can, then you’re doing more than can be asked. 🙂

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