I am actually doing better lately than I have been. Not great, but better. I was telling Jay this morning that I feel better today than I did this time last week. Maybe things are looking up. I am still having trouble interacting with people. I walk away from each encounter mentally kicking myself. I am doing better about letting it go, though. Maybe I just need to face the fact that the people I work with think I’m weird. That would probably help me let go. As I’m walking away, thinking about how fucking stupid I sounded I just need to tell myself, “It’s ok. No big deal. They will just think of it as another crazy talk with Mara.”
I am fine when it is just a matter of being professional. I can be professional/distant/removed all damn day long. The problems start when it turns into joking around or personal issues (which are ANYTHING not job-related). There are a few people I work with who think it is funny to stand in my way when I’m trying to rush around, getting things done. They do it time and time again. Come on people, that gets old, and it’s not even funny or clever. Each time I am forced to come up with something to say. It’s usually the same thing, too. I basically threaten them with violence if they don’t get out of my way. One guy, just a few minutes ago, spread his arms and legs wide so I couldn’t go on either side of him. I asked him if he wanted me to bring my foot up. Why won’t they just get the fuck out of my way? Just let me do my job and leave me alone!
Things are also getting better with Jay and I. We are learning to better communicate and deal with our fucked up minds. I know my BPD really sets off his bipolar and I try to contain it. It’s just so hard! He is really being forgiving and understanding, though. Now that we know what’s wrong with me, we are better able to deal with things. We are still fighting over stupid things, but at least we are able to talk about what’s going on in our heads at the time. We are definitely quicker in resolving things. We both want the same outcome, our minds just get in the way sometime.
I am really starting to look forward to my therapist appointment on Wednesday. I have been able to help myself a little, and Jay has been doing his best, but I think I need a professional. This needs to change. I can’t keep freaking out about things. I need to learn to think before I speak/act. At least I haven’t kicked one of my co-workers in the balls, yet, as I’ve threatened. I guess that’s good.