I am feeling rather strange right now. Not quite sure what’s going on with me. I am overly giddy at the moment, it seems. Everything is making me giggle, and I usually don’t find things funny. My stomach is in knots, though. I have my VERY FIRST group session with DBT today. I have no idea what to expect. I want to laugh and I want to cry. I want to cut. I feel like I’m floating outside my body, or, my head, anyway. I was looking in the mirror earlier, trying to figure out who it was looking back at me. My eyes look empty. Flat. Blank. It’s all so surreal. Anymore I don’t feel like I’m connected to myself, if that makes any sense. I feel like there are almost separate “people” inside my head. I understand that disassociation is a part of having BPD. I know there are times when I’m stressed that I float off and look down on myself. Lately, though, it is almost a constant feeling. My husband told me sometime (Last night? This morning? 3 weeks ago?) that when I last disassociated I may not have come back. LOL He may be right. It makes me laugh because I feel like “I” floated out of my head several weeks ago. I thought the fog had lifted (“I” had returned) the other morning, but that feeling didn’t last. I can’t remember things. I can’t focus. I can’t feel, expect for despair or rage. My husband is going through a tough time, too. I can’t comfort him. I’m not sure how. I feel empty. He has to TELL me that he is hurting and I need to reach out. He could be sitting on the couch crying and it won’t occur to me to hold his hand or put my arm around him or touch his leg. Yes, Mara is here, alright. She took over a little while ago. I think I’m starting to look like her. I’ve noticed she likes black eyeliner. I’m almost out.
I Don’t Feel Like Me