Yes, I talk to myself. Did I mention I’m crazy?

My boss (who sits very close to my desk) told me the other day that she must be rubbing off on me.  She said that I am talking to myself more, and I didn’t used to do that.  I disagree.  I think I have pretty much ALAWYS talked to myself, but I’m glad that I hid it from her for so long.  I was wondering why it is that I DO talk to myself.  I know “they” say it’s ok to talk to yourself as long as you don’t answer.  Well, I guess I’m fucked.  I answer myself all the time!  Yeah, I’m crazy.

I realized today, though, that I talk to myself because I am insecure and unsure of things.  Not only do I say things to try and talk myself out of a crazy episode, but I say what I am doing, as I am doing it.  Out loud.  And other people hear me.  I can’t tell you how many times I am just chatting with myself and have a coworker ask me to repeat myself because they (understandably) think that I’m talking to them.  I also talk out loud to myself to try and explain away the stupid things I do.  I started to walk one way, realized I needed to go in a different direction, so, as I changed my course, I was quietly talking to myself, saying, “No, I need to go this way to see Peggy.”  I think that I say these things and explain away my actions because I don’t want someone on the outside to see me and say, “What is wrong with HER?”  I don’t know why I think talking to myself seems less crazy than walking in one direction and abruptly going the other way.

I am slowly falling apart at work.  I have a hard time hearing people, so I am constantly asking them to repeat themselves.  I think I can’t hear quite right because I am so wrapped up in the world going on in my head, I don’t hear the real world outside my head.  I do hear when people approach me, though.  I sure as fuck know when someone is walking up on me.  I can definitely hear that. I am awkward to talk to.  I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know how to respond.  I don’t know how to be easy or carefree.  I am obviously uncomfortable talking to people.  It shows.  I laugh all the time.  Not a real laugh because something is funny, but an uncomfortable laugh EVERY TIME someone says something.  Every time.  And now, it’s noticeable that I talk to myself.  Did I mention that I’m crazy?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Yes, I talk to myself. Did I mention I’m crazy?

  1. Satis

    By that measure, so am I. I talk to myself CONSTANTLY. Mono- and dialogue. Sometimes I scream and shout and sing and dance and swear and laugh like a loon – all at once – because it all just needs to get out. I’m pretty nuts, too.

  2. Laughed out loud at the title! Great. Keep giggling to yourself, it’s all we can do ❤

  3. Sorry to hear you’re struggling at work.

    I would act in a similar way in my last job with regards to the talking to yourself. For me it was down to concentration: I had to have a running commentary of what I was doing otherwise I would forget so easily, I was so distractible and my mind so confused. If I spoke to myself it was kind of soothing and reassuring. I would do it to remind myself what I was supposed to be doing. I’d ask myself out loud “what did I come into this room for?”

    I also found it difficult to “hear” other people, although again I think this was a concentration thing. I would very often have to ask them to repeat themselves. Everything would seem to take a very long time to process.

    I just think I was in a constant state of anxiety, our poor brains can’t cope with all the stress!

    Hope things improve at work.

  4. Bourbon

    I can relate to this loads. I used to fear any social interaction so much because I just couldn’t concentrate on what was being said! Everything inside my head was so loud. I can understand. Bourbon.

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