My boss (who sits very close to my desk) told me the other day that she must be rubbing off on me. She said that I am talking to myself more, and I didn’t used to do that. I disagree. I think I have pretty much ALAWYS talked to myself, but I’m glad that I hid it from her for so long. I was wondering why it is that I DO talk to myself. I know “they” say it’s ok to talk to yourself as long as you don’t answer. Well, I guess I’m fucked. I answer myself all the time! Yeah, I’m crazy.
I realized today, though, that I talk to myself because I am insecure and unsure of things. Not only do I say things to try and talk myself out of a crazy episode, but I say what I am doing, as I am doing it. Out loud. And other people hear me. I can’t tell you how many times I am just chatting with myself and have a coworker ask me to repeat myself because they (understandably) think that I’m talking to them. I also talk out loud to myself to try and explain away the stupid things I do. I started to walk one way, realized I needed to go in a different direction, so, as I changed my course, I was quietly talking to myself, saying, “No, I need to go this way to see Peggy.” I think that I say these things and explain away my actions because I don’t want someone on the outside to see me and say, “What is wrong with HER?” I don’t know why I think talking to myself seems less crazy than walking in one direction and abruptly going the other way.
I am slowly falling apart at work. I have a hard time hearing people, so I am constantly asking them to repeat themselves. I think I can’t hear quite right because I am so wrapped up in the world going on in my head, I don’t hear the real world outside my head. I do hear when people approach me, though. I sure as fuck know when someone is walking up on me. I can definitely hear that. I am awkward to talk to. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t know how to be easy or carefree. I am obviously uncomfortable talking to people. It shows. I laugh all the time. Not a real laugh because something is funny, but an uncomfortable laugh EVERY TIME someone says something. Every time. And now, it’s noticeable that I talk to myself. Did I mention that I’m crazy? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA