Who is this angry girl? She’s new.

My anger is starting to get out of control.  It has been simmering below the surface for a while, but so far I’ve been able to keep it suppressed.  All I’ve had to do, up till now, is slam my fist down on something hard.  That get’s the anger out pretty well.  Not this weekend.  I exploded.  I don’t even remember most of it.  The end result was a hole in the wall from my fist, a hole in the wall from my foot, a falling off the wall doorframe, a broken lamp, and a petrified dog.  I had tried to talk to my doctor on Friday about my anger.  I could feel it getting more and more intense.  I almost threw a stapler across my office the other day.  There wasn’t much she said that helped me.  She said she understood my problem to be emotional regulation (dysregulation?), and that that topic would be approached at some point.  Great.  Until then we are learning how to make it through a crisis situation without killing ourselves.  I guess that’s good, but I really need to get these emotions under control.  My cutting is getting worse, too.   All the poisons are coming out.  Unfortunately not in very positive or healthy ways.  My one-on-one therapy should start soon.  I hope I can hold out till then.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Who is this angry girl? She’s new.

  1. Hmm. My wife keeps telling me that everyone gets angry, but I need to work on controlling it. It’s funny, isn’t it. She’s certain she gets “just as angry” as I do, yet she never screams or shouts or curses or bangs things (I do all these things). I can’t connect the two in my mind; I can’t see how anyone could feel the utterly unstoppable rage that erupts so violently, the insane fury that INSISTS on escaping from my body. Before I started my medication, the best I could hope for was to channel it into my voice, and hope desperately it wouldn’t turn physical. I’ve been on Lamatrogine for seven months now, and it has helped. I still get angry – furious – but the episodes are shorter, less intense, and I recover quicker afterwards.

    I don’t know. Do we feel a greater fury, or are we less capable of controlling it? Is there even a difference?

    Cut if you must, but try to stop short of severe harm, if you can; I can think of no worse death than an accidental one. I hope your therapy helps.

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