I’m conflicted

I’m perplexed.  I want to cut, but I’m really not sure why.  Last night Jay and I worked things out.  At least, more so than it has been lately.  I think we each came to a new understanding of each other.  He is making steps towards me, and I am making steps towards him.  Things don’t seem quite so hopeless as they did.  Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel.  Maybe the rest of my life won’t be a black hole, sucking me down further and further until I can’t take it anymore and feel the need to take drastic measures.

Jay asked me this morning how I felt.  I wasn’t sure.  He asked what was going on in my head.  I didn’t want to tell him that I had already picked the spot for my next cut.  I don’t understand.  I’m not overwhelmed with emotion.  I don’t really feel much of anything at the moment.  Maybe that’s why I feel compelled to cut again today.  There is some song that says, “it’s better to feel pain than feel nothing at all”.  It’s so crazy (yup, that’s me!) that I go back and forth so easily between being overwhelmed with feelings, and feeling nothing.  I am totally empty inside at the moment.  I have also noticed that the pain is wearing off from the other places I’ve recently cut.  Part of what I like is moving a certain way throughout the day and getting that stabbing pain where my clothes rub against my uncovered cut.  I try picking the scabs off to keep that feeling, but it eventually dulls, leaving me with the desire to make a fresh wound.

I know I’m fucked up.  I wish I wasn’t.  I can’t even really grasp what’s going on with me right now.  I don’t really need to cut, but I NEED to cut.  It’s like an addiction.  I’ve read that pain releases endorphins and other feel-good thingys into your brain.  I guess that’s what it is.  Maybe it’s feeling something good.  I don’t know.  I haven’t cut yet.  But the thought is there.  It’s building and building and building.  I was given some handouts yesterday about how to soothe without harming yourself.  I know I should look over them again.   I know I should call my therapist and tell her what I am thinking.  I KNOW I’M WRONG.  I don’t want to do those things, though.  I want to cut myself.  I have it set in my head that it will make me feel better.  I know that in order to get better and straighten my head out, I need to get rid of the self-harming behaviors.  I just can’t let go yet.  Does anyone understand this?  I know what I SHOULD do, but I am also convinced that I will feel better if I do what I SHOULDN’T do.  I can’t fucking bring myself to do what I need to.  I just want to hurt myself.  What a piece of shit.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Self Harm | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “I’m conflicted

  1. You’re not a piece of shit and you’re not alone. The emptiness is overwhelming sometimes. Give some of the soothing techniques they suggested a try – it just might help. And give the DBT some time. It took nearly 6 months for me before it started helping at all. I wouldn’t say I’m cured – I still struggle with it on a daily basis – but it really can help. Hang in there.

  2. Understood – completely. There are things I do to this day – habits, quirks – that are compulsory, that occupy my day and waste my time, and I do them even when my mind is screaming not to. It used to be this way for cutting (perhaps these other things have become their replacement). Interesting that you pick spots; I was a rapid cutter, lots of small cuts rather than big ones. It just ended up being the place where the fewest others were. I liked to get nice patterns.

    I don’t know…is it an urge to mark yourself? An urge to feel pain? I’m at a place right now where I am balanced between total normality and complete madness. Cutting is behind me, though, and really only for one reason: the fallout was inevitably worse than the relief it brought.

    If you want to stop cutting, I hope you are able to make it.

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