Please just let it be over

I have a couple projects for work that I need to complete.  I am at work right now.  Sitting at my desk.  My computer is working – no problems there.  It’s not terribly quiet in the office, but not so loud that I can’t work.  I have all the necessary information needed to get these things done.  I’m just feeling so overwhelmed right now.  These projects aren’t difficult, but they are time consuming.  I can’t focus on it right now.  It seems like I have to do SO MUCH, I don’t even know where to begin.  I’ve done a little here, and a little there, but nothing to really put a dent in this pile.  There’s not really a deadline, so it’s not like I have to rush.  I guess I just need to take a small step, and go from there.  “Do the next right thing.”  Don’t focus on the big picture, on how MUCH there is, just look at the next ONE thing I need to do.  Ok, I think I can handle that.  I think my main problem is that I am just ready for this day to be over with.  For this WEEK to be over with.  This is my first week with my new boss.  There is nothing wrong with him (Besides that he chews tobacco and spits it in a clear cup on his desk!!!!), he is just different than the other boss.  Maybe it seems different because, at least towards the end, she (old boss) had a small idea of what I was going through.  My new  boss has NO CLUE, and I have no intention of sharing any of my mental struggles with him.  He talks a lot, though.  He expects me to engage him in conversation, which is pretty difficult for me, at least on a long term basis.  He also doesn’t really know what he’s doing.  He didn’t have a lot of training time since my previous boss was fired unexpectedly for political reasons.  He asks me A LOT of questions.  I know most of the answers, but not all, making me feel stupid and incompetent.  Now I’m feeling the familiar pull of a panic attack.  Tight chest.  Shallow breathing.  Feeling like I can’t stop the tears.  Needing to RUN RUN RUN.  I guess I need to pull out some DBT exercises and try them.  Damn, I just want to hide.  And cry.  And scream.  Fuck, I’m never going to get this work done.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Please just let it be over

  1. Tallulah "Lulu" Stark

    Don’t sweat it. Like you said, steps. So, since today needs to be over, chalk it up to a regrouping day. That’s what I do sometimes. I’ll take a bad day and make it into a planning day. How can I structure my work so it is productive, but not overwhelming? Personally, I like to get little tasks out of the way ASAP so I don’t have them hanging there alongside the bigger stuff.

    And as for feeling incomoetant, I’ll tell you what my husband tells me. “Nobody really has any idea what I do. I like it that way, so they won’t try to step in and make me angry over micromanagement. When someone asks me a question I don’t know the answer to, I find out. I tell them, “Give me a moment to look into it.” And if I can’t find out, I never say, ‘I don’t know.’ Instead, I refer them to the person who would. Simply, ‘So-and-so has a better answer since they do it all day.'”

    He’s really good at talking people over. And he’s even better at reassuring himself. Basically, he doesn’t put a subjective qualifying or quantifying term to situations or people. There are no “always, never, good, bad” etc. Nothing is definitive and he tries to stay within facts. If the facts are inconclusive, he’ll present the facts for others to draw their own conclusions.

    Sneaky, sure. But it works. It makes people think he’s brilliant and neutral.

  2. Didn’t know your boss was fired. It seemed you had a better relationship then.

    I feel this way often; usually for even the smallest things, like doing the dishes. It’s odd, though – at work I am always fine. Always. I don’t understand how I manage it. It all comes out at home, though.

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