I had a little break through in my DBT session yesterday. We were talking about mindfulness. I was asked about thoughts in my head. I told the intern that I didn’t HAVE any thoughts in my head. I told him that people would ask my opinion on things, what I like, what I think, and I would never have an answer. I don’t have thoughts rolling around in my head – I only have emotions. I told him that I am so overwhelmed by my emotions all the time that I don’t have actual thoughts. It’s all about how I feel. It totally sucks, too. If I had THOUGHTS, I could pinpoint them and tell myself they were wrong. I can control my thoughts. I have power over my thoughts. How can I control my emotions? If I am so overwhelmed with sadness, I don’t have room to think. I can’t think when I’m angry. I can’t think when I’m anxious. I JUST CAN’T THINK.
I am so confused all the time, I really have a hard time concentrating when I try to bring thoughts into my head. They will flit out quickly, leaving me with no memory of what I was trying to think out. I was trying to do some simple math in my head this morning but couldn’t keep the numbers straight. I have to plant a thought in my head and say it over and over. If there is a certain skill from therapy I should be working on that week, I will keep repeating it to myself. Otherwise it will leave my head, and I will be left with uncontrollable emotions.
The next section we are talking about in therapy is emotional regulation. Hopefully this will be of some benefit to me. Maybe once I get my emotions under control, I can get my life back.