Monthly Archives: July 2012

Considering Buspar


Has anyone out there tried Buspar?  I am going to see my actual doctor doctor who can prescribe meds tomorrow.  I am DESPERATE for an anti-anxiety SOMETHING!!!  The place I go is hesitant to hand out benzodiazepines, and apparently Buspar works like a benzo, but does not have the addictive qualities, so I’m thinking I can get this guy to prescribe it for me.  I have been hearing mixed reviews about it, though.  Some people say it works amazingly, some say it does absolutely nothing.  Does anyone have any experience with this medication?  I’d love to hear about it!!  Thanks!  🙂

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Daily Life, Health, Medication, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Protected: Wondering about sexual abuse…


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“You know you’re borderline when you avoid your mom because you’re tired of being shamed.”


Totally true!! That’s why I now live over 1,000 miles away from her and we only correspond via email/Facebook. She doesn’t even have my phone number!!!

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder | Leave a comment

I love you, Crazy Jay!


My husband and I reconciled last week.  We decided to not drink anymore.  Alcohol turns him into an angry, uncontrollable person, and it turns me into, well, an angry, uncontrollable person.  When I drink is when things get broken and holes are put in the wall.  So, yeah, alcohol is out for us.  We both have such a hard time controlling our emotions anyway.  Alcohol just makes it easy to let loose and hurt the other person.

I’m glad that we’ve worked things out.  Well, we’re WORKING on working things out.  We have forgiven each other the hurt we have caused.  We are both committed to meeting the other person’s needs and making them feel important.  We both believe that God has called us to be together.  I know that sounds crazy to some, but, hey, what can I say?  We’re BOTH crazy.

We have believed from the start that God meant for us to be together.  We got married after officially dating for just shy of three weeks.  He was 36 and I was 19.  He was living in a rescue mission and I was living with my parents.  Neither of us had jobs.  Neither of us had money.  We didn’t tell anyone we were married until a week after the fact, and even then we had not intended to tell anyone.

After we got married, my family tried every way they could to pull us apart.  It didn’t work.  It just pushed us closer together, which, when looking back, I think was God’s plan all along.  We ended up moving over 1,000 miles away just to get away from my family.

We have had some good times, and some bad times.  Through even the worst times, I never doubted God’s desire for us to be together.  I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough to make it, but I never doubted God.

Today is our NINE YEAR anniversary.  No one thought we would make it a month, and here we are, nine years later.  I would say that the difficult, sometimes unbearable times we have been through have brought us closer together and made us even more committed to each other.  Not to mention the fact that we both know that no one else would be able to put up with us.  God made me for him, and him for me.  I am eager to see how God continues to grow and change our relationship.  I know that, because of all we have been through, our relationship is going to be ROCK SOLID on the other end.

I love you, crazy Jay!  I would do it all over again.  WE HAVE DEFIED THE ODDS.  IT IS A MIRACLE!!

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Mental Illness, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I’m thinking a lobotomy may help.


Man, I sure feel like a piece of crap right about now.  I’ve been feeling like I’m going to EXPLODE.  Like my skin can’t even contain what’s going on inside right now.  Well, not RIGHTNOW.  Not anymore.  That was how I was feeling up until about 10 minutes ago, when I decided to self-soothe in a way that isn’t at all healthy or beneficial.  I got that initial release of calm, like I usually do.  I felt better as I watched.  Now I feel like crap.  I am disgusted with myself every time I get in the shower.  I’ve been thinking recently that that’s probably why I’ve been avoiding taking a shower – Not because of my depression, as I originally thought.  I’m just completely disgusted with the marks all over my body.  Not that I can complain.  I put them there.  It felt good at the time.  When I’m in my right mind, though, I really don’t like to be reminded of what I’ve done to myself.  I know I need to stop, but it really makes me feel better…At the time.  It’s only been recently that I feel pretty crappy afterwards.  I can’t seem to stop, though.  I know that I will feel better.  I know that my inner turmoil will be calmed. But a few minutes later, that’s when all the crappy feelings settle in my head.  I feel like I will explode if I don’t.  Just fly out of my skin and never again be whole.  But then, when I do, I realize how weak and stupid I am.  I tried using ink on the spot I’m thinking about.  It doesn’t work.  All I get is the visual.  Holding ice doesn’t work.  The rubber band doesn’t work.  Maybe a lobotomy will.  Do they still do that?  Is that an approved method of treating BPD?  Maybe if I just remove the part of my brain that’s fucked up, I will be able to function normally without feeling the need to hurt myself.  Who am I kidding?  If they removed the part of my brain that was fucked up, I wouldn’t have anything left.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Is it mania?


I’ve been feeling slightly manic these past few days.  Maybe more than slightly.  Maybe mania isn’t even what I’m feeling.  It’s never really been something I experienced.  I was told at one point that I was bipolar, but this never made sense since I didn’t ever feel manic.  Just utterly depressed.  Since Tuesday afternoon I have been feeling very energetic.  I have been excited and almost…happy?  Is that what that feeling is?  I’m not sure.  I just feel like bouncing around.  I want to jump up on my chair and spin around fast!  I want to run back and forth throughout the office, waving my arms and omitting funny sounds while I make crazy faces.  I feel like I have limitless energy.  I am doing a million things right now at work.  I am multi-tasking my ass off!!  I can’t believe all the things I’m getting done while still working nonstop on this specific project I’ve had since Monday.  My driving has also gotten a little more aggressive in the past couple days.  Driving fast.  Going from lane to lane.  I tell myself I’m just driving like everyone else.  Maybe, but maybe not.

Anyway, I am a little concerned, just like I am every time my mood takes such a drastic, unexpected, and unfamiliar change.  I am leaving for a therapy session in a few minutes.  I guess this will be fodder for conversation.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I don’t remember doing that…Or that!


So, I know that I’ve been disassociating more and more lately.  Sometimes I feel myself slipping away, sometimes not.  It appears that in the last few days, while I’m not really aware of what’s going on, I’ve been doing things to hurt myself.  I have glimpses and flashes of doing it, but don’t have an actual memory of the self harm that occurred.  Each time it’s happened I’ve been surprised when I later saw what I did.  When I changed my pants after work yesterday, I was SHOCKED to find angry red scratches covering my thigh.  Then I got a flash of what happened.  I guess this is something to talk to my doctor or therapist about.  I haven’t called either one of them yet because I’m afraid they will send the police and a straight jacket for me.  I cannot afford to be out of work right now.  I cannot afford to be locked up for a few days.  This is a very distressing feeling, especially since I am usually very careful about where and how I self-harm.  The first time I spaced out and hurt myself I did it on the top of my forearm…where EVERYONE can see!  I never harm in places where people can see.  I also think that area is becoming infected due to what was used to harm.  The second time it happened, it was a LOT of long cuts.  I don’t make a lot of cuts at one time.  Not while aware of what I’m doing.  I am very deliberate.  I look at the area, touch it, think about it.  My thigh looks like it was slashed up.  It looks like it was attacked by a knife-wielding maniac.  Like out of some murder movie.  I’m really freaking out about this.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Please tell me it’s not just me.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Dissociation, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Protected: Killing Two Birds with One Drive


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Numb – P!nk


Numb – P!nk

No sleep, no sex for you from your ex-girlfriend
I was too deep, I can’t let you go and just jump in
At times I would push my feelings aside to let you feel
I’m novicane.  I’m numb and nothing’s real

Like the coldest winter, I am frozen from you
I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can’t feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby
I’m numb, numb, numb

But the tears were silent inside you see
But the tears were silent inside you see

I laid there quiet, watched you have your way with me
I might have cried, the tears were silent inside you see
You called me names, made me feel like I was dumb
I didn’t feel a thing and now I’m gone, gone, gone

Like a battered child I got used to your pain
But you know it’s cuz

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can’t feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby
I’m numb, numb, numb

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can’t feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby
I’m numb, numb, numb

Don’t feel a thing, don’t feel the pain
Numb, numb, numb
Said

I was weak before now you made me so numb
I can’t feel much for you anymore

I gave you my all, my baby
I’m numb, numb, numb

I was weak before
Said now I’m numb, numb, numb
No, no, no, no

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Dissociation, Marriage, Mental Illness, Music, Relationships, Stress | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Protected: I wish…


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