I was thinking about posting how I’m doing kind of ok today. No intense emotions. No major urge to cut. No sadness or anger. I’m really just blah today. Not necessarily in a bad way. It’s not exactly a numb feeling, just the absence of anything really intense.
I guess I can’t write that post now. My new boss is trying to talk me into working in a different city as a contractor. I work with contractors. I am the office manager and keep all the administrative aspects straight. My old boss got another job heading up some project for a cell phone company. I’m not sure what all it entails. I feel like my new boss is pushing me to join them. My old boss will be taking a couple people she worked on this project with to this new job. It is in one of three cities: Atlanta, Chicago, or San Francisco. He told me I could be making double what I make now. He said I wouldn’t have to worry about living expenses while doing this. I kept telling him I wasn’t sure. He kept pushing. It ended with me saying I would think about it. He then told me to get my resume together so I could at least give the bosses of this new project a chance to talk to me. He said that I’m too good at what I do to be working with a temporary agency.
I don’t want to do this. I can’t handle doing something like this right now. I was looking forward to a little break when this project is over. What am I supposed to tell him? That I don’t want to be away from my husband for even a night? That I would miss my dog? That I am in therapy and can’t leave it? That I can’t handle any more stress? That I have been close to a break down and this may just push me over the edge?
I feel the start of a panic attack. Tight chest, can’t breathe, trying not to cry, shaking so much I can barely type. I know that I don’t have to take this job. I haven’t even been OFFERED anything (though if I pursued this, I think I would be offered the position). I just don’t know how to back out of this without letting it be known that I have crazy-ass issues. My old boss knew that I had borderline personality disorder. My new boss does not. All he knows is that I am gone for a while during the week for a “standing appointment”.
I think I need to stop writing about this right now. I am getting more worked up. Why does just the THOUGHT of this fuck me up so much? Damn, I’m sick of this.