I don’t know why the hell I bother with Facebook. There is hardly ever anything that I want to say. At least not on such a public forum where I am identified by name. I get on there and browse around, seeing what my “friends” are up to. I have only talked to one person on my friend list in the last 2 ½ months, and that’s my husband. There were two other people that I used to talk to in person. I have since unfriended them.
I originally joined Facebook because I thought it would be a good way to reconnect with people I knew from high school. Why would I think this was a good idea? I didn’t have many real friends, and the few I had I no longer speak to, nor do I want to. I see all these people I went to high school with and I’m filled with the same longing to belong that I felt over 10 years ago while attending that fucked up school. I don’t have many good memories of those people. I see what they are up to now and am filled with contempt for them. I am angry that their lives are turning out well while mine is falling apart. I’m jealous that they are able to pursue their dreams while I’m still struggling to figure out what my dreams are. Most of all, I’m hurt that no one has reached out to me. I can’t blame them. We were never really friends, and I don’t reach out to them, either.
Then there’s my family on Facebook. I could correspond with my sister, but I am currently freezing her out because she is a selfish, self-absorbed bitch who never has time for me as long as she has a boyfriend. I could message with my brother or his wife, but I’m pretty much done with them. My brother’s wife is an uptight bitch who reminds both my sister and I of our mother. My brother insists on being rude to my husband. Oh well. They live in Massachusetts, so it’s not like I ever see them. My father has deactivated his Facebook page. No big loss there. We never had much to say to each other. My mother is really the only person (besides my husband) who posts on my page or sends me messages. Too bad I really don’t want any interaction with her.
I have been considering deactivating my page. It’s really bringing me nothing but more fucked up feelings which I’m pretty sure I have enough of already. I guess I’ll keep it up for now, not that many people would notice one way or the other.