Apparently I don’t know how to show gratitude or appreciation. “Apparently” – LMFAO. Not “apparently”. It is absolutely true and something that I have known since I was young.
My husband did something nice for me this weekend. A couple nice things, if I remember correctly. I thanked him several times and told him that I appreciated what he did for me. We have been fighting a lot lately and it meant a lot that he took the time to think of me and do something for me in the midst of that. I guess I didn’t respond appropriately. He told me later (in the middle of a fight) that I didn’t know how to be grateful. He asked what was wrong with me that I couldn’t properly show appreciation. There are many things wrong with me – LOL. How long do you have?
Truthfully, though, I really don’t know how to show appreciation or gratitude. I don’t know how to show much of anything unless it’s anger or sadness. I can thank the person up and down all day long, but I know to them it comes off as fake. I don’t feel good about things, so when I speak, there aren’t many positive emotions coming across.
When I was a young girl, I would say somewhere between the ages of 6 to 10, my uncle built a dollhouse for me. I mean he actually BUILT IT. He didn’t have a kit or pre-cut pieces of wood. He constructed this dollhouse with his bare hands, and then painted it the colors I wanted. When he presented it to me, I politely thanked him. I was always very shy and didn’t speak much, so I didn’t make a huge deal about it. I wasn’t screaming in excitement or jumping up and down. I guess I should have. I WAS very excited to finally have this dollhouse, I just didn’t know how to communicate it. After I thanked him, my mother spoke up, apologizing for my mild response and told him that I really did like it.
My best guess as to why I struggle with showing gratitude or appreciation is because that is not something I often see on other people’s faces. I base my words, actions, and facial expressions on other people’s words, actions, and facial expressions. I can’t usually pull the proper look out of my ass to plaster on my face. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to respond most of the time. If the other person is laughing, I know to laugh. If they look sad, I look sad. I can’t think of many, if any, things I have done that caused other people to show gratitude or appreciation. That’s because I’m a piece of shit who only does things for myself.
I hope my husband understands that I very much appreciate all he does for me, and I am extremely grateful to have him in my life, even when we do fight. I wish I knew how to better articulate this. Maybe that’s the problem – I need to do more than articulate it, I need to act on it. Maybe one day I’ll learn how to do that right.