Unsure of how to show gratitude


Apparently I don’t know how to show gratitude or appreciation.  “Apparently” – LMFAO.  Not “apparently”.  It is absolutely true and something that I have known since I was young.

My husband did something nice for me this weekend.  A couple nice things, if I remember correctly.  I thanked him several times and told him that I appreciated what he did for me.  We have been fighting a lot lately and it meant a lot that he took the time to think of me and do something for me in the midst of that.  I guess I didn’t respond appropriately.  He told me later (in the middle of a fight) that I didn’t know how to be grateful.  He asked what was wrong with me that I couldn’t properly show appreciation.  There are many things wrong with me – LOL.  How long do you have?

Truthfully, though, I really don’t know how to show appreciation or gratitude.  I don’t know how to show much of anything unless it’s anger or sadness.  I can thank the person up and down all day long, but I know to them it comes off as fake.  I don’t feel good about things, so when I speak, there aren’t many positive emotions coming across.

When I was a young girl, I would say somewhere between the ages of 6 to 10, my uncle built a dollhouse for me.  I mean he actually BUILT IT.  He didn’t have a kit or pre-cut pieces of wood.  He constructed this dollhouse with his bare hands, and then painted it the colors I wanted.  When he presented it to me, I politely thanked him.  I was always very shy and didn’t speak much, so I didn’t make a huge deal about it.  I wasn’t screaming in excitement or jumping up and down.  I guess I should have.  I WAS very excited to finally have this dollhouse, I just didn’t know how to communicate it.  After I thanked him, my mother spoke up, apologizing for my mild response and told him that I really did like it.

My best guess as to why I struggle with showing gratitude or appreciation is because that is not something I often see on other people’s faces.  I base my words, actions, and facial expressions on other people’s words, actions, and facial expressions.  I can’t usually pull the proper look out of my ass to plaster on my face.  I just don’t know how I’m supposed to respond most of the time.  If the other person is laughing, I know to laugh.  If they look sad, I look sad.  I can’t think of many, if any, things I have done that caused other people to show gratitude or appreciation.  That’s because I’m a piece of shit who only does things for myself.

I hope my husband understands that I very much appreciate all he does for me, and I am extremely grateful to have him in my life, even when we do fight.  I wish I knew how to better articulate this.  Maybe that’s the problem – I need to do more than articulate it, I need to act on it.  Maybe one day I’ll learn how to do that right.

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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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