I don’t remember doing that…Or that!

So, I know that I’ve been disassociating more and more lately.  Sometimes I feel myself slipping away, sometimes not.  It appears that in the last few days, while I’m not really aware of what’s going on, I’ve been doing things to hurt myself.  I have glimpses and flashes of doing it, but don’t have an actual memory of the self harm that occurred.  Each time it’s happened I’ve been surprised when I later saw what I did.  When I changed my pants after work yesterday, I was SHOCKED to find angry red scratches covering my thigh.  Then I got a flash of what happened.  I guess this is something to talk to my doctor or therapist about.  I haven’t called either one of them yet because I’m afraid they will send the police and a straight jacket for me.  I cannot afford to be out of work right now.  I cannot afford to be locked up for a few days.  This is a very distressing feeling, especially since I am usually very careful about where and how I self-harm.  The first time I spaced out and hurt myself I did it on the top of my forearm…where EVERYONE can see!  I never harm in places where people can see.  I also think that area is becoming infected due to what was used to harm.  The second time it happened, it was a LOT of long cuts.  I don’t make a lot of cuts at one time.  Not while aware of what I’m doing.  I am very deliberate.  I look at the area, touch it, think about it.  My thigh looks like it was slashed up.  It looks like it was attacked by a knife-wielding maniac.  Like out of some murder movie.  I’m really freaking out about this.  Has anyone else experienced this?  Please tell me it’s not just me.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Dissociation, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “I don’t remember doing that…Or that!

  1. I don’t suffer from dissociation, though I do have memory problems – I often have no recollection of having done something. I think, though, there are two things to consider; whoever you are when you self-harm, trust that they don’t want you severely injured any more than ‘you’ do. And, I’d be surprised if your doctor sent for the straight jackets. Lots of people self-harm, and a lot of people dissociate (that sounds a lot worse than I intended it); to answer is not incarceration, but therapy, help, and support. From what you’ve been writing about lately, you haven’t been getting a whole lot of support.

    Try not to worry about it, and if necessary, wear long-sleeves. I have to, in the middle of summer, because of my scars.

    Keep a watch out, talk to your therapist, and take care of yourself. Reach out, if you need help. We’re here.

  2. I can relate to this to a degree. I have a really messed up left thumbnail, and it’s been like that for almost 10 years now. It’s messed up because I continuously cause myself pain by pushing on the already sore base of my nail. I push as hard as I can, sometimes breaking skin, and the pain relieves my stress and emotional pain to a point. But, the problem is that I’ve often found that I don’t even realize I’m doing it anymore, and by the end of the day, my thumb looks even worse than it did earlier in the day. Due to this, my nail is always split, cracked and just horrible to look at. But, no matter how bad it looks, I don’t stop. I do it knowingly and unknowingly and it causes me a strange calming pleasure to cause myself such pain. I have done this self-harm since I was a kid. As a child, I would purposefully cut the back of my gums in my mouth until they bled. It would be so painful, but I still continuously did it. The fact that it made eating hard during those times didn’t matter. My mom would always get angry with me and couldn’t understand why I did it. I didn’t even know. But, I knew it made me feel better somehow and didn’t even always realize I was doing it. That feeling made the pain worth it.

    As abnormal as it may be, I feel like maybe I cut and harm my thumb now without realizing a lot, ’cause it’s kind of my “normal”. It’s become my way of handling my overwhelming thoughts and emotions, and so I don’t always realize I’m doing it anymore because it’s a part of my most basic actions.

    I agree with what Satis says too about keeping an eye on how severe it’s getting for you, and definitely talk with your therapist. And, for sure keep posting away ’cause you have support here. Take care!

  3. Pingback: What Lie Shall I Use This Time? « Struggling with BPD

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