So, I know that I’ve been disassociating more and more lately. Sometimes I feel myself slipping away, sometimes not. It appears that in the last few days, while I’m not really aware of what’s going on, I’ve been doing things to hurt myself. I have glimpses and flashes of doing it, but don’t have an actual memory of the self harm that occurred. Each time it’s happened I’ve been surprised when I later saw what I did. When I changed my pants after work yesterday, I was SHOCKED to find angry red scratches covering my thigh. Then I got a flash of what happened. I guess this is something to talk to my doctor or therapist about. I haven’t called either one of them yet because I’m afraid they will send the police and a straight jacket for me. I cannot afford to be out of work right now. I cannot afford to be locked up for a few days. This is a very distressing feeling, especially since I am usually very careful about where and how I self-harm. The first time I spaced out and hurt myself I did it on the top of my forearm…where EVERYONE can see! I never harm in places where people can see. I also think that area is becoming infected due to what was used to harm. The second time it happened, it was a LOT of long cuts. I don’t make a lot of cuts at one time. Not while aware of what I’m doing. I am very deliberate. I look at the area, touch it, think about it. My thigh looks like it was slashed up. It looks like it was attacked by a knife-wielding maniac. Like out of some murder movie. I’m really freaking out about this. Has anyone else experienced this? Please tell me it’s not just me.
I don’t remember doing that…Or that!