Man, I sure feel like a piece of crap right about now. I’ve been feeling like I’m going to EXPLODE. Like my skin can’t even contain what’s going on inside right now. Well, not RIGHTNOW. Not anymore. That was how I was feeling up until about 10 minutes ago, when I decided to self-soothe in a way that isn’t at all healthy or beneficial. I got that initial release of calm, like I usually do. I felt better as I watched. Now I feel like crap. I am disgusted with myself every time I get in the shower. I’ve been thinking recently that that’s probably why I’ve been avoiding taking a shower – Not because of my depression, as I originally thought. I’m just completely disgusted with the marks all over my body. Not that I can complain. I put them there. It felt good at the time. When I’m in my right mind, though, I really don’t like to be reminded of what I’ve done to myself. I know I need to stop, but it really makes me feel better…At the time. It’s only been recently that I feel pretty crappy afterwards. I can’t seem to stop, though. I know that I will feel better. I know that my inner turmoil will be calmed. But a few minutes later, that’s when all the crappy feelings settle in my head. I feel like I will explode if I don’t. Just fly out of my skin and never again be whole. But then, when I do, I realize how weak and stupid I am. I tried using ink on the spot I’m thinking about. It doesn’t work. All I get is the visual. Holding ice doesn’t work. The rubber band doesn’t work. Maybe a lobotomy will. Do they still do that? Is that an approved method of treating BPD? Maybe if I just remove the part of my brain that’s fucked up, I will be able to function normally without feeling the need to hurt myself. Who am I kidding? If they removed the part of my brain that was fucked up, I wouldn’t have anything left.
I’m thinking a lobotomy may help.