I’m thinking a lobotomy may help.

Man, I sure feel like a piece of crap right about now.  I’ve been feeling like I’m going to EXPLODE.  Like my skin can’t even contain what’s going on inside right now.  Well, not RIGHTNOW.  Not anymore.  That was how I was feeling up until about 10 minutes ago, when I decided to self-soothe in a way that isn’t at all healthy or beneficial.  I got that initial release of calm, like I usually do.  I felt better as I watched.  Now I feel like crap.  I am disgusted with myself every time I get in the shower.  I’ve been thinking recently that that’s probably why I’ve been avoiding taking a shower – Not because of my depression, as I originally thought.  I’m just completely disgusted with the marks all over my body.  Not that I can complain.  I put them there.  It felt good at the time.  When I’m in my right mind, though, I really don’t like to be reminded of what I’ve done to myself.  I know I need to stop, but it really makes me feel better…At the time.  It’s only been recently that I feel pretty crappy afterwards.  I can’t seem to stop, though.  I know that I will feel better.  I know that my inner turmoil will be calmed. But a few minutes later, that’s when all the crappy feelings settle in my head.  I feel like I will explode if I don’t.  Just fly out of my skin and never again be whole.  But then, when I do, I realize how weak and stupid I am.  I tried using ink on the spot I’m thinking about.  It doesn’t work.  All I get is the visual.  Holding ice doesn’t work.  The rubber band doesn’t work.  Maybe a lobotomy will.  Do they still do that?  Is that an approved method of treating BPD?  Maybe if I just remove the part of my brain that’s fucked up, I will be able to function normally without feeling the need to hurt myself.  Who am I kidding?  If they removed the part of my brain that was fucked up, I wouldn’t have anything left.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “I’m thinking a lobotomy may help.

  1. Wish I could hug you. A clinician recently taught me something that has been useful (imagine that!) – if you try & take the torment in your head & send it south – into your body, & then focus only on the body sensations. It makes back pain worse, etc., but it’s really distracting! You can actually feel it & you’re so impressed that it tends to shut the head up. At least for me. Worth a shot? Try not to bleed.

  2. I’m pretty sure they don’t do a whole lot of lobotomies these days. The problem is that there isn’t a part of your brain that’s messed up; your brain is just firing all over the place in ways that most people’s don’t. It doesn’t – and this might sound crazy – mean there’s anything wrong with you. It just means you end up feeling things and doing things most people don’t, and the struggle is learning to cope with it. For most of us, it’s a lifelong struggle.

  3. Joeli

    Every word…. I understand how you feel. I wish for just a part of my brain removed. This hits hard. It sounds like me talking. This sickness… I wish it would let me live.

  4. Jes

    I’ve been where you are. I am at the moment. I keep thinking maybe I could find a doc to do it, everything will be ok. My husband won’t hate me the way he does and I wouldn’t be toxic for him or our young kids. I don’t want to pass it on…I can even explain what I’m feeling to my husband because I don’t understand it my self….I have always been a fuck up the clown the unworthy one. I just want it to stop. The meds dont help, getting into a phyc. Is harder then getting a hold of the us pres. I don’t know what to do or say anymore, I’m always wrong, my husband always tells me I’m lying, but what I say as my truth is the truth, I can’t see it another way….I’m a pretty intelligente woman, but I canthink get my own head around any of this…I hate my self and I can’t comprehend why

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