Monthly Archives: August 2012

Lots of fake “Christians” out there…


 I think my biggest pet peeve is people who claim to be Christians, and then act even worse than people who don’t go around telling others how wonderful they are.  I know a married couple who think they are the most amazing Christians that ever lived.  They talk about how much they love God and have the ability to turn anything into a Bible lesson or sermon.  Not that that is necessarily a bad thing.  They also like to quote scripture and go out of their way to help people.  Not bad, either.  They regularly attend church on Sunday, and sometimes during the week.  The husband of this couple has even started speaking at their church on a regular basis.  I know that the pastors have been leaving that church, moving out of state, so he has been taking over leading the congregation.

I wonder when the church will see their true colors?  I wonder how long he will hold that position?  The wife in this couple is the same “friend” that I sobbed to about suicide and my mental issues, and then didn’t hear from for over a month.  She is the same “friend” that cursed my husband, and told him that God was going to kill him to, essentially, make life better for me.  She is the same “friend” that told us we could stay with them for as long as we needed when we moved to town with no place to go, but started trying to push us out after two weeks.  She is the same “friend” that questions mine and my husband’s personal religious beliefs because we aren’t as “good” as her.

The husband was a “friend”, too, but more to my husband than to me.  He is the same “friend” that told my husband he could call anytime, but then would never return the calls because my husband turned into too much of a bother.  He is the same “friend” that never wanted to listen to my husband’s problems and be empathetic, but rather be critical and judgmental, sending my husband into further depression.  He is the same “friend” that told my husband we could take their dog when they moved across town, but instead opted to keep their dog in the backyard of the abandoned house, uncared for.

That’s right.  These pieces of shit great Christians left their Lab/Pit Bull mixed dog in the backyard sometime in May, moved across town, left the dog, and told no one or asked them to even feed him.  Luckily they had a neighbor who actually cares about people and animals.  The neighbor noticed the cars were never in the driveway and there wasn’t anyone home anymore.  He noticed the dog was looking pretty skinny.  He started feeding the dog daily and commissioned his grandson to come over and walk the dog so he wasn’t so lonely all day.  He recently called those pieces of shit great Christians and told them that he had cut back the food he was giving to the dog because it started gaining so much weight.  Those pieces of shit great Christians didn’t even know the neighbor was feeding the dog.  Can you believe that?  As far as they knew, the dog’s carcass could have been torn apart by a band of roving monkeys and then feasted on by flying squirrels.  Someone could have been watching the house, noticed the dog was alone, and then dognapped him for sexual torture purposes.  Maybe the dog could have gotten attacked by the nasty children in the neighborhood.

I suppose those are pretty farfetched possibilities.  What was more likely was that the dog would have died from starvation, dehydration, or exposure.  How can someone claim to love God, but treat his creatures so horribly?  How can you neglect such a loving dog (he is the sweetest thing!) and leave it to die in your backyard when it can’t do anything to take care of itself, but then present yourself as an ambassador of God?  Christians are supposed to be representative of God’s love.  Now, I understand having a bad day and yelling at your dog or being mean to a person.  What I cannot understand is a PATTERN of animal abuse and neglect.  I suppose they weren’t abusive to him.  They just kept him outside and paid him no attention when they lived at that house.  Then they left him to die when they decided to move to a better place.  While living there, the female half of the couple said that when she would take her son outside to play, they would just ignore the dog, and I could do the same.  WTF???  Are you KIDDING me??  That is a living, breathing, FEELING creature that God put on this earth.  What kind of person would just neglect it in that way?  It’s bad enough when some Joe Blow off the street is mean or neglectful to animals, but when you have a person who claims to love God and follow Him, it is just disgusting and despicable.

I know the Bible says not to wish ill will on people.  All I hope for these pieces of shit great Christians is that they are treated the same way they lovingly cared for their dog.  They are pieces of shit Christians, after all.  They must have thought they were doing the right thing.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Mental Illness, Relationships, Thoughts | 3 Comments

I am a defective model.

“I am like a defective model and you don’t know that till you’ve been around me a while.”

 I was watching a movie about mental illness, and the main character spoke the above line.  Wow.  I have felt that way for such a long time, but haven’t really been able to put it into words.  I AM defective.  I cannot control my emotions.  I take everything negatively and as a criticism.  I obsess over the smallest things I’ve said.  I purposefully hurt myself.  I hurt the person who loves me the most.  I hurt my dog.  I am drowning in anger.  The slightest thing can mess up my mood or frame of mind.  If I don’t remind myself that I have a propensity to overreact, I will fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.

 When you first meet me, though, you would think I was the sweetest, kindest person you could encounter.  I do very well with first impressions, as long as I’m not feeling paralyzingly shy.  I can come off as witty and amusing (I wouldn’t go so far as to say “funny”.).  If I don’t have to speak for too long, I sound articulate and knowledgeable.  I also do pretty well with people on a long term basis as long as I don’t have to interact with them for too long at any given time.  And as long as I keep my mask on.

 Sometimes it slips, though.  It becomes askew when I cry to my friend that I want to kill myself.  It falls a little at work when I become overly frustrated or stressed out because I have to add paper to the printer.  It shifts a bit when I am in such a strange mood that people look at me funny when I talk.  It starts to tumble as I’m in the backyard yelling at my dog because he won’t obey.  It crashes to the floor and shatters when I push my husband or slam my fist through a wall.

 My defectiveness has done much harm in my life.  I have lost friends and contact with family members over my defectiveness.  I tell myself they weren’t worth my time anyway.  Who knows if that’s really true or something I tell myself to keep from feeling regret.  I have lost jobs.  I have caused physical damage to myself, my vehicle, my home, and my possessions.  I have caused emotional damage to many people who have been around me, not excluding my dog

 I am most definitely defective in many ways.  It takes time to see it.  I’m like a ticking time bomb packaged in a polished, ornate wooden box.  I may appear attractive and beneficial, but I am just waiting to explode.  My craziness WILL come out, just give me time.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness | 1 Comment

A revision of PLEASE Master

Yesterday in my DBT group we learned about PLEASE Master as part of the emotion regulation section.  As soon as my doctor passed out the worksheet, I was distracted.  I mean, come on!  “Please Master”?  When I heard those two words, I saw it in my head this way:  “Please, Master?”, like you’re begging your Dominant Master to allow you to use the bathroom.  Does anyone else see the sexual connections here?  Why would a skill to help a Borderline start by begging?  As if we don’t feel bad enough.  Not to mention, the person who is being begged is the Master!  I really do not feel like the title of this skill does it justice.

The thought behind it is that there are several things you can control to help aid in regulating your emotions.  Taking care of your physical health, like going to the doctor or dentist when necessary and getting proper medical care.  Eating balanced meals set in a schedule.  Avoiding mood altering drugs and alcohol.  Getting the proper amount of sleep.  Exercising a healthy amount each day. The final part is to build mastery.  You are supposed to try to do something every day that makes you feel competent and in control.

Now, I’m not just going to complain about having to think/say “Please, Master?” without offering some kind of replacement.  Here is the new name of the skill that I am going to start using. REACH Empowerment.  Doesn’t that sound so much better?  I can say, “Reach empowerment!” all day long and feel better.  I don’t think my mood would be much lifted if I went throughout the day saying, “Please, Master?”.  I can imagine that my mood would become considerably worse.  Here is what the letters in REACH Empowerment stand for:

R – receive proper medical treatment
E – eat properly balanced meals
A – avoid mood-altering drugs and alcohol
C – catch the right amount of zzz’s
H – healthily exercise daily

Empowerment – try to do one thing each day to make yourself feel competent and in control.

See?  It MEANS the same thing as the original, but it is easier for me, and quite possibly a lot of other people, to say throughout the day.  And let me just ask here:  How can you feel competent and in control when you are begging your Master?  No, thank you. I would rather reach empowerment.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Mental Illness, Therapy | 11 Comments

This post was very informative! Everyone should take the test. I really thought that I didn’t know how to read people, but was surprised at how high I scored. Well above avereage! I guess I can read people better than I thought.


If you’ve worked with clients who have borderline personality disorder (BPD), you’ve probably had a conversation like this:

Therapist: How did that make you feel?

Client: I dunno.

Therapist: How do you think that might have made someone else feel?

Client: I dunno.

Therapist: Take a look at that list of feeling words and see if there’s anything that fits.

Client: Oh God. I can’t face that list today.

Therapist: Well… hm.

Client: You’re getting worried. You’re thinking about referring me, aren’t you?

Can people really be so oblivious to their emotions when they’re so well-attuned to yours?

Carina Frick, Simone Lang, et al answer at least half of that question in their  new study. They asked clients with BPD to receive an MRI while guessing the emotions others displayed in photographs.  The BPD clients out-guessed the control group of healthy subjects. The fMRIs showed they actually…

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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder | Leave a comment


I was on Twitter yesterday and saw that someone named Amanda Green had put out a book called “My Alien Self:  My Journey Back to Myself”, and was giving it away as an ebook for free until 8/24 to promote mental health awareness.  Just a note here – You do NOT need to have a Kindle/Nook/Tablet/anything fancy to read this book.  You can download it right onto your computer to read.  I started it yesterday and had a hard time putting it down!  Very good read!  Well written and incredibly interesting.  Not to mention that I could relate to a LOT of it.  I’m sure many many others can relate, too.  She discuss early promiscuity, self harm, eating disorder, drug/alcohol use/abuse, her mother’s mental illness, bullying, rape and distructive relationships…among other things.  I am looking forward to continuing it.  I am only about 1/4 of the way through it, so I can’t wait to finish!  Here is the link to get the book FOR FREE!!!  Don’t forget, it is only until 8/24, so go there now!!  Totally worth the time!

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Drinking, Life, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Leave a comment

Maybe this will help? Here’s hoping!

I haven’t written anything in a while.  I’m not sure why.  There have definitely been things that I could blather on about. 

I have decided that I can’t read other people’s blogs as much as I have been.  They are bringing me down.  Triggering me.  Encouraging me to cut.  Making me think crazy is ok.  Hindering normalcy. 

I went through my email this morning and saw that I had almost 200 blogs that I subscribe to I needed to read.  The more I read, the more anxious I became.  I was thinking about cutting.  I was coming out of my skin.  I was doing kinda ok this morning, but started to come unhinged while reading about the struggles of others.  I decided that I needed to STOP.  As I skimmed through the blogs in my email, I made note of which blogs to remove from my email list.  I did not unfollow anyone as I would not like to see my numbers go down, and I’m sure it’s the same for everyone else.  There are still some that I will receive in my email as they are written, but that number has decreased DRAMATICALLY from what it was.

I hope this helps me somewhat.  Apparently I’m still a nasty-crazy-piece of shit-bitch.  At least that’s what I hear on this page.  I am trying what I can, but it doesn’t seem to be working as well or as quickly as I desperately need.  Maybe not reading about what other people are going through for a while will help.  I hope so.  Something needs to change.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Depressed, Dissociation, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Leave a comment

My Temper Tantrum and Emotion Regulation

Last night I threw a temper tantrum like a 3-year old child.  Literally.  I was jumping up and down and stomping my feet.  I was throwing things.  I was SCREAMING in a pitch I wasn’t aware was even humanly possible to reach.  It’s like I was taken over.  I’m so embarrassed about it now.  Embarrassed and thankful that my husband responded so graciously.

It all started because my husband did something that completely threw me for a loop.  Granted, he was being incredibly kind and thoughtful, but it still felt like my world was crumbling down.  We were in a grocery store and he offered to let me get some food that I very much like.  Food that he doesn’t like and wouldn’t eat.  Here was my issue (because I’m sure no one has a CLUE why that would upset me):  We went into the store with a list.  A specific plan.  I have been saying for a while before we go into stores, “We are only getting what’s on the list, right?”  I didn’t realize before what my problem was with getting things off the list.  I would tell myself it was because we had limited money, but even when we had extra money to spend it made me uncomfortable.  I realized last night (through the entire mess that followed), my issue was with C-H-A-N-G-E.  I have a set plan, and, in order to stay feeling calm, comfortable and in control, I need to stick with it.  I know it seems small.  I know it’s crazy.  I just can’t deal with variances of my plan.  I know what is going to happen.  When I don’t know, I’m scared.  When what I think is going to happen changes, I’m scared and feel threatened.

When he suggested that we get specific foods that I like, I almost walked out of the store.  I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks and needed to stop and regroup.  I just needed a second to think.  Luckily for both of us I was able to push down those feelings at the time.  I carefully thanked him for his thoughtfulness and told him I appreciated it.  Then we spent some time walking around the store, discussing how we had the money for the things he suggested.  We ended up getting something that I wanted.

I wish when we had gone to the car that I had talked to him about how I was feeling.  I was still shaken up and on edge.  When we were literally two minutes from home, he told me we needed to stop and get something else.  It wasn’t shouldn’t have been a big deal.  We couldn’t get that item at the grocery store and it wasn’t out of the way to stop at the other store.

My head started to spin.  I was shaking.  Another blow to my world.  I had planned to go straight home.  I had my sights set on it.  THERE WAS TO BE NO DEVIATION!!  Maybe if I could have a second to think, I could wrap my head around this NEXT change.  I didn’t have a second.  We were driving.  A decision had to be made RIGHTTHEN.  I lost it.  Everything I was able to contain in the store, I completely unleashed.  I screamed something nasty, asking him why he couldn’t have told me sooner.  I called him an asshole, among other things.  We went home and didn’t stop at the store.

After we got home and I was no longer a danger behind the wheel of a 2 ton vehicle, my husband told me (in between my screams) that we had already discussed stopping at this place.  Apparently we had that conversation the night before.  I had no memory.  All of a sudden I heard a ROARING in my ears (no, it wasn’t me this time) and thought I was going to faint.  My vision blurred and I felt dizzy and nauseas.  I already have enough holes in my memory.  Here I am thinking that he should have told me about that extra stop.  Turns out he did.  I flipped out based on the fact that he hadn’t told me, but I was wrong.  I felt like I was being sucked down a hole in the floor.  I ran to the bedroom and hid under the blanket for a few minutes.  Apparently not long enough.

I walked out to tell my husband why I was upset (another conversation forgotten mixed with my world being torn apart every time something changes).  I started by calmly talking yelling, or so I gather based on his reaction.  He covered his ears and told me he wouldn’t listen while I was being unreasonable.  He would be more than willing to talk if I wasn’t yelling.  That’s when the pitch of my voice shot up and I started screaming so forcefully there was spit/froth shooting out of my mouth.  I was foaming at the mouth!  I started throwing whatever I could get my hands on.  I remember wanting to put my fist THROUGH the wall, but luckily only managed to bruise my hand.  Then I started stomping my feet, hoping to put a hole in the floor.  Silly me.  If I couldn’t put a hole in the wall, there was no way I could put one in the floor by just jumping.

I don’t really remember all that happened after that.  I remember trying to close the bathroom door on him while he was telling me to calm down.  I shoved him and then slammed the door.  After trying to breathe for a second, I walked out of the bathroom and told him I had to make a phone call.  I called my doctor/therapist.

When I came back in and apologized, telling my husband that everything that happened was my fault but that I couldn’t yet talk about it, he was very forgiving.  He said that he has gotten crazy before, and understands me getting crazy sometimes.  My two therapists are trying to work with me on the emotional regulation part of DBT.  Hopefully I will be able to catch things at the “interpretation phase” of reacting on emotions and can keep my crazy to a minimum.  I know that I interpret pretty much EVERYTHING incorrectly and negatively.  We just started emotional regulation two weeks ago, but still have barely grazed the surface.  I’m really looking forward to learning skills that can help me.  I hate being like this.  I can’t stand it.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Relationships | 4 Comments

Social Anxiety

Jaen at You Know You’re Borderline When posted a link for the Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale Test.

The scoring scale is as follows:
55-65 Moderate social phobia
65-80 Marked social phobia
80-95 Severe social phobia
Greater than 95 – Very severe social phobia

It rates you according to your fear, and then according to your avoidance, and then adds it up.  My fear was 52, my avoidance was 47, making my grand total 99!!  LMCAO  It’s not like I needed a test to tell me whether or not I have social anxiety, but it is nice to know roughly how I score (I know these things are never 100% accurate).

“Very severe social phobia”  I wonder at what point the gov’t would label me as unable to work.  My husband CANNOT work.  I have seen it first hand.  He does well for a couple weeks, a month at most.  Then he starts missing work/coming home early/going in late because he can’t handle things.  Just normal, everyday things.  He cannot function properly around other people for long periods of time.  Too bad the gov’t doesn’t see him as disabled.  They wouldn’t label me that way, either.  Even though working has tremendously increased my stress level.  I realized over the weekend that I don’t usually have the urge to self harm at home, but I sure do at work.  I don’t do well interacting with people.  I kick myself over every word I say to other people.  Worrying about how I am perceived.  It makes me almost immobile.  Before going to speak with someone, I have to plan out what I am going to say and PRAY that they don’t veer off the topic.  I’m totally lost if someone just runs into me and says a few words.  I can’t respond “off the cuff”.  I usually just laugh.  Laugh and laugh.  I am probably known around here as a laughing fool.  I want a representative from the gov’t to spend one week in my shoes.  Experiencing my uncontrollable emotions.  Thinking my degrading thoughts.  Telling myself how stupid and unworthy I am.  Struggling not to hurt myself.  Struggling to do something as simple as make a phone call or go grocery shopping without help.  Give me one week, and THEN tell me I’m not disabled and should be able to function properly in society.

Oh, yeah.  Here’s the link to the test.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | 1 Comment

“Just scratches. Not that bad.”

My husband hadn’t seen my self-harm marks/scars until last night. He had seen them years ago, when I was cutting back then. He hasn’t seen them since I started back up a few months ago. A little while after he had seen them, he told me that they weren’t nearly as bad as he expected. That they were just scratches.

Damn. That comment really made me want to show him the scars on my shoulder, and explain how they weren’t scratches. Go into detail about the depth and the bleeding. Same thing for the ones on my hip. Yeah, he saw scratches. I’ve toned things down. I have changed the tool I use. I can use more force and not have to worry about going too deep. Not to mention it hurts like FUCK. Exactly what I’m looking for.

I know that he was trying to be positive and supportive when he made that comment about them “not being that bad”, but it really made me feel like he was telling me the PAIN I’ve been experiencing really isn’t “that bad”. That if the pain I’ve felt was really intense, my cuts/marks/scratches would show it. It made me want to go into the bathroom, slice open my forearm, and then ask him if it was “that bad”.

I’ve never cut deep enough for stitches. I’ve never had a problem stopping the bleeding after a while, though it’s always been more than just a trickle. Every time I read or hear about someone needing medical attention for their self inflicted injuries, it’s made me feel like I only hurt myself in a half-assed way. I guess I have been believing that if my pain was really bad, I would cut myself really badly. I know that’s fucked up. It’s still how I feel. And the comment my husband made totally made me feel invalidated. It made me think that maybe I’m really not feeling so bad. Maybe I just want to wallow. Maybe nothing’s really wrong. Maybe I’m just toying with a few negative emotions. Maybe it’s all an act.

I know it’s not an act. I know what I’m feeling is real. I know a lot of people feel the depths of what I do and don’t hurt themselves. It doesn’t make THEIR pain inferior to others’. Maybe I’ll feel better with a few more “scratches”.

I feel like I even fail at hurting myself.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | 7 Comments

If you hate your mother, raise your hand!!

I saw my therapist this morning.  We were discussing how I take everything (EVERYTHING) negatively.  She asked me what benefits this gave me.  I told her that it protected me from being disappointed and let down.  If I take something positively, I would feel incredibly stupid if it turned out I misinterpreted what was said/done.  Not to mention how crushing it is to think that someone is saying something nice only to find out that they are being the sarcastic piece of shit that they are.  I also told her that I am unable to take things positively (or, at least, not take them negatively) because it conflicts with the view I have of myself.  She asked what could be done for me not to feel that way, and how I could get past that.  I told her that I completely blamed my mother for my state of mind, and I would be helped tremendously if I could drive up to VA and kill her.  No, not kill her.  Anyone read/seen Princess Bride?  At the end, Wesley (hero of the story) tells the bad guy that he is going to cut off his arms and legs.  Chop off his nose.  Gouge out his eyes.  He is going to let the guy keep his ears, though, so that as he goes through life he will be constantly tormented by hearing how people respond to his outward ugliness.  He will live the rest of his life in pain, shame, hurt, anger.  That’s what I want to do to my mother.  That fucking bitch doesn’t deserve to just be killed and that be the end of it.  She needs to SUFFER.  She needs to feel the pain, anguish, disgust, HURT for the rest of her life that I have to deal with.

Hmmm, it sounds like I’m dealing with some unresolved anger and resentment.  I guess I still ABHOR my mother.  I thought I was over all that – though I guess if I was REALLY over it she would have my phone number and we would actually correspond like normal people.  Wow.  I HATE MY MOTHER (to be referred to here on out as The Bitch).  Who knew?  LMCAO

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Relationships, Therapy | 1 Comment

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