I saw my therapist this morning. We were discussing how I take everything (EVERYTHING) negatively. She asked me what benefits this gave me. I told her that it protected me from being disappointed and let down. If I take something positively, I would feel incredibly stupid if it turned out I misinterpreted what was said/done. Not to mention how crushing it is to think that someone is saying something nice only to find out that they are being the sarcastic piece of shit that they are. I also told her that I am unable to take things positively (or, at least, not take them negatively) because it conflicts with the view I have of myself. She asked what could be done for me not to feel that way, and how I could get past that. I told her that I completely blamed my mother for my state of mind, and I would be helped tremendously if I could drive up to VA and kill her. No, not kill her. Anyone read/seen Princess Bride? At the end, Wesley (hero of the story) tells the bad guy that he is going to cut off his arms and legs. Chop off his nose. Gouge out his eyes. He is going to let the guy keep his ears, though, so that as he goes through life he will be constantly tormented by hearing how people respond to his outward ugliness. He will live the rest of his life in pain, shame, hurt, anger. That’s what I want to do to my mother. That fucking bitch doesn’t deserve to just be killed and that be the end of it. She needs to SUFFER. She needs to feel the pain, anguish, disgust, HURT for the rest of her life that I have to deal with.
Hmmm, it sounds like I’m dealing with some unresolved anger and resentment. I guess I still ABHOR my mother. I thought I was over all that – though I guess if I was REALLY over it she would have my phone number and we would actually correspond like normal people. Wow. I HATE MY MOTHER (to be referred to here on out as The Bitch). Who knew? LMCAO