My husband hadn’t seen my self-harm marks/scars until last night. He had seen them years ago, when I was cutting back then. He hasn’t seen them since I started back up a few months ago. A little while after he had seen them, he told me that they weren’t nearly as bad as he expected. That they were just scratches.
Damn. That comment really made me want to show him the scars on my shoulder, and explain how they weren’t scratches. Go into detail about the depth and the bleeding. Same thing for the ones on my hip. Yeah, he saw scratches. I’ve toned things down. I have changed the tool I use. I can use more force and not have to worry about going too deep. Not to mention it hurts like FUCK. Exactly what I’m looking for.
I know that he was trying to be positive and supportive when he made that comment about them “not being that bad”, but it really made me feel like he was telling me the PAIN I’ve been experiencing really isn’t “that bad”. That if the pain I’ve felt was really intense, my cuts/marks/scratches would show it. It made me want to go into the bathroom, slice open my forearm, and then ask him if it was “that bad”.
I’ve never cut deep enough for stitches. I’ve never had a problem stopping the bleeding after a while, though it’s always been more than just a trickle. Every time I read or hear about someone needing medical attention for their self inflicted injuries, it’s made me feel like I only hurt myself in a half-assed way. I guess I have been believing that if my pain was really bad, I would cut myself really badly. I know that’s fucked up. It’s still how I feel. And the comment my husband made totally made me feel invalidated. It made me think that maybe I’m really not feeling so bad. Maybe I just want to wallow. Maybe nothing’s really wrong. Maybe I’m just toying with a few negative emotions. Maybe it’s all an act.
I know it’s not an act. I know what I’m feeling is real. I know a lot of people feel the depths of what I do and don’t hurt themselves. It doesn’t make THEIR pain inferior to others’. Maybe I’ll feel better with a few more “scratches”.
I feel like I even fail at hurting myself.