Last night I threw a temper tantrum like a 3-year old child. Literally. I was jumping up and down and stomping my feet. I was throwing things. I was SCREAMING in a pitch I wasn’t aware was even humanly possible to reach. It’s like I was taken over. I’m so embarrassed about it now. Embarrassed and thankful that my husband responded so graciously.
It all started because my husband did something that completely threw me for a loop. Granted, he was being incredibly kind and thoughtful, but it still felt like my world was crumbling down. We were in a grocery store and he offered to let me get some food that I very much like. Food that he doesn’t like and wouldn’t eat. Here was my issue (because I’m sure no one has a CLUE why that would upset me): We went into the store with a list. A specific plan. I have been saying for a while before we go into stores, “We are only getting what’s on the list, right?” I didn’t realize before what my problem was with getting things off the list. I would tell myself it was because we had limited money, but even when we had extra money to spend it made me uncomfortable. I realized last night (through the entire mess that followed), my issue was with C-H-A-N-G-E. I have a set plan, and, in order to stay feeling calm, comfortable and in control, I need to stick with it. I know it seems small. I know it’s crazy. I just can’t deal with variances of my plan. I know what is going to happen. When I don’t know, I’m scared. When what I think is going to happen changes, I’m scared and feel threatened.
When he suggested that we get specific foods that I like, I almost walked out of the store. I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks and needed to stop and regroup. I just needed a second to think. Luckily for both of us I was able to push down those feelings at the time. I carefully thanked him for his thoughtfulness and told him I appreciated it. Then we spent some time walking around the store, discussing how we had the money for the things he suggested. We ended up getting something that I wanted.
I wish when we had gone to the car that I had talked to him about how I was feeling. I was still shaken up and on edge. When we were literally two minutes from home, he told me we needed to stop and get something else. It wasn’t shouldn’t have been a big deal. We couldn’t get that item at the grocery store and it wasn’t out of the way to stop at the other store.
My head started to spin. I was shaking. Another blow to my world. I had planned to go straight home. I had my sights set on it. THERE WAS TO BE NO DEVIATION!! Maybe if I could have a second to think, I could wrap my head around this NEXT change. I didn’t have a second. We were driving. A decision had to be made RIGHTTHEN. I lost it. Everything I was able to contain in the store, I completely unleashed. I screamed something nasty, asking him why he couldn’t have told me sooner. I called him an asshole, among other things. We went home and didn’t stop at the store.
After we got home and I was no longer a danger behind the wheel of a 2 ton vehicle, my husband told me (in between my screams) that we had already discussed stopping at this place. Apparently we had that conversation the night before. I had no memory. All of a sudden I heard a ROARING in my ears (no, it wasn’t me this time) and thought I was going to faint. My vision blurred and I felt dizzy and nauseas. I already have enough holes in my memory. Here I am thinking that he should have told me about that extra stop. Turns out he did. I flipped out based on the fact that he hadn’t told me, but I was wrong. I felt like I was being sucked down a hole in the floor. I ran to the bedroom and hid under the blanket for a few minutes. Apparently not long enough.
I walked out to tell my husband why I was upset (another conversation forgotten mixed with my world being torn apart every time something changes). I started by calmly talking yelling, or so I gather based on his reaction. He covered his ears and told me he wouldn’t listen while I was being unreasonable. He would be more than willing to talk if I wasn’t yelling. That’s when the pitch of my voice shot up and I started screaming so forcefully there was spit/froth shooting out of my mouth. I was foaming at the mouth! I started throwing whatever I could get my hands on. I remember wanting to put my fist THROUGH the wall, but luckily only managed to bruise my hand. Then I started stomping my feet, hoping to put a hole in the floor. Silly me. If I couldn’t put a hole in the wall, there was no way I could put one in the floor by just jumping.
I don’t really remember all that happened after that. I remember trying to close the bathroom door on him while he was telling me to calm down. I shoved him and then slammed the door. After trying to breathe for a second, I walked out of the bathroom and told him I had to make a phone call. I called my doctor/therapist.
When I came back in and apologized, telling my husband that everything that happened was my fault but that I couldn’t yet talk about it, he was very forgiving. He said that he has gotten crazy before, and understands me getting crazy sometimes. My two therapists are trying to work with me on the emotional regulation part of DBT. Hopefully I will be able to catch things at the “interpretation phase” of reacting on emotions and can keep my crazy to a minimum. I know that I interpret pretty much EVERYTHING incorrectly and negatively. We just started emotional regulation two weeks ago, but still have barely grazed the surface. I’m really looking forward to learning skills that can help me. I hate being like this. I can’t stand it.