I am a defective model.

“I am like a defective model and you don’t know that till you’ve been around me a while.”

 I was watching a movie about mental illness, and the main character spoke the above line.  Wow.  I have felt that way for such a long time, but haven’t really been able to put it into words.  I AM defective.  I cannot control my emotions.  I take everything negatively and as a criticism.  I obsess over the smallest things I’ve said.  I purposefully hurt myself.  I hurt the person who loves me the most.  I hurt my dog.  I am drowning in anger.  The slightest thing can mess up my mood or frame of mind.  If I don’t remind myself that I have a propensity to overreact, I will fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.

 When you first meet me, though, you would think I was the sweetest, kindest person you could encounter.  I do very well with first impressions, as long as I’m not feeling paralyzingly shy.  I can come off as witty and amusing (I wouldn’t go so far as to say “funny”.).  If I don’t have to speak for too long, I sound articulate and knowledgeable.  I also do pretty well with people on a long term basis as long as I don’t have to interact with them for too long at any given time.  And as long as I keep my mask on.

 Sometimes it slips, though.  It becomes askew when I cry to my friend that I want to kill myself.  It falls a little at work when I become overly frustrated or stressed out because I have to add paper to the printer.  It shifts a bit when I am in such a strange mood that people look at me funny when I talk.  It starts to tumble as I’m in the backyard yelling at my dog because he won’t obey.  It crashes to the floor and shatters when I push my husband or slam my fist through a wall.

 My defectiveness has done much harm in my life.  I have lost friends and contact with family members over my defectiveness.  I tell myself they weren’t worth my time anyway.  Who knows if that’s really true or something I tell myself to keep from feeling regret.  I have lost jobs.  I have caused physical damage to myself, my vehicle, my home, and my possessions.  I have caused emotional damage to many people who have been around me, not excluding my dog

 I am most definitely defective in many ways.  It takes time to see it.  I’m like a ticking time bomb packaged in a polished, ornate wooden box.  I may appear attractive and beneficial, but I am just waiting to explode.  My craziness WILL come out, just give me time.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness | 1 Comment

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One thought on “I am a defective model.

  1. I feel like this more often than I care to admit. I’m in better contol of my emotions now but I still have those days where I just lose it. It’s tough. My family and friends try to understand but since they’ll never see the chaos constantly going around in my head they can only glimpse at what I let them see.

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