“I am like a defective model and you don’t know that till you’ve been around me a while.”
I was watching a movie about mental illness, and the main character spoke the above line. Wow. I have felt that way for such a long time, but haven’t really been able to put it into words. I AM defective. I cannot control my emotions. I take everything negatively and as a criticism. I obsess over the smallest things I’ve said. I purposefully hurt myself. I hurt the person who loves me the most. I hurt my dog. I am drowning in anger. The slightest thing can mess up my mood or frame of mind. If I don’t remind myself that I have a propensity to overreact, I will fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.
When you first meet me, though, you would think I was the sweetest, kindest person you could encounter. I do very well with first impressions, as long as I’m not feeling paralyzingly shy. I can come off as witty and amusing (I wouldn’t go so far as to say “funny”.). If I don’t have to speak for too long, I sound articulate and knowledgeable. I also do pretty well with people on a long term basis as long as I don’t have to interact with them for too long at any given time. And as long as I keep my mask on.
Sometimes it slips, though. It becomes askew when I cry to my friend that I want to kill myself. It falls a little at work when I become overly frustrated or stressed out because I have to add paper to the printer. It shifts a bit when I am in such a strange mood that people look at me funny when I talk. It starts to tumble as I’m in the backyard yelling at my dog because he won’t obey. It crashes to the floor and shatters when I push my husband or slam my fist through a wall.
My defectiveness has done much harm in my life. I have lost friends and contact with family members over my defectiveness. I tell myself they weren’t worth my time anyway. Who knows if that’s really true or something I tell myself to keep from feeling regret. I have lost jobs. I have caused physical damage to myself, my vehicle, my home, and my possessions. I have caused emotional damage to many people who have been around me, not excluding my dog
I am most definitely defective in many ways. It takes time to see it. I’m like a ticking time bomb packaged in a polished, ornate wooden box. I may appear attractive and beneficial, but I am just waiting to explode. My craziness WILL come out, just give me time.