Monthly Archives: September 2012

More P!nk to Improve Your Mood!

I LOOOOVE P!nk!!  Here are a couple songs off her new album.  They are so catchy and upbeat, I’m singing them all day long!!  Enjoy  🙂



Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Mental Illness, Music | Tags: , | 1 Comment

…And the BITCH Came Back

On the way to work this morning, I had a run in with my inner critic.  She used to be in my head quite a bit. It wasn’t until she spoke up again this morning that I realized she has been quiet for a while.  She was a constant presence.  Everything I did was wrong.  Everything I said was stupid.  Every move I made was the worst possible thing I could do.  I didn’t even realize, until this morning, that she had her own separate voice.  I always assumed what I heard in my head were my thoughts.  I didn’t understand that there was another person in my head, bent on destroying me at all costs.  Some may call it “sin nature”.  This has never been a religious blog, though, so I’ll stick with the name I know:   Mara.

I thought Mara was gone.   She had taken over for a while there.  I really don’t remember much of what happened.  The past several months are pretty blurry.  What I do remember seems like a dream.  I know that I spent most of that time disassociated and completely disconnected from reality.  I was caught up in a flurry of anger, despair, desperation, and hopelessness.  I really thought things were going to stay like that forever.  I wasn’t sure if I would make it out of that time.

But I did.  I feel like I have turned a corner.  I have been feeling surprisingly good and optimistic these past couple weeks.  I feel like there is a way out.  I feel like I’m getting better.  I’m not so controlled by my emotions or my negative thoughts.

That’s why it was so surprising to hear from Mara this morning.  And man, is she a BITCH!  I was driving through a park, my thoughts just running around about what’s coming up over the next few days.  What more I have to accomplish before I can relax on the weekend.  All of a sudden, Mara chimed in.  I felt like I had been slapped.  What a nasty thing for her to say!  I’m not going to go into specifics, but suffice it to say that she couldn’t get much meaner.  I actually struggled not to cry when I heard it (and it was an audible voice in my head).

It’s no wonder I was so miserable there for a while.  No wonder when I have people floating around in my head saying things to hurt me.  I am working to eradicate negative people from my life.  I have been successful so far.  I guess I was so busy focusing on the people on the outside that I didn’t realize I would have to kick out the nasty voices in my head, too.

I hope that, as I continue to insert positive experiences into my days, the negative voices will fade away.  Maybe they will even be replaced by people saying NICE things in my head.  That would be a welcome change.  I’m not sure what it would be like to have the voices in my head actually be on MY side.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, DBT, Dissociation, Mental Illness | Tags: , | 1 Comment

Building Positive Experiences

I just got back from what was supposed to be my DBT group.  Instead it was roughly 75 minutes with just me and the therapist.  I almost wish I had been double-teamed like last week (no one showed up expect for me and TWO therapists).  Today we were talking about positive experiences.  I have been trying to incorporate positive experiences into my day, whether it’s going to the park with Jay and the dog, or sitting around a nice fire in the evening.  I am supposed to add at least one more positive experience this week.  I think I am going to try to play a board game or a game of cards each day.  I guess I’ll have to see what Jay says about that.

Then we moved on to really focusing on the good things that are going on at the moment.  Being mindful of the positive things I am experiencing and not focusing on when it will end, whether or not I deserve the positive thing to happen, or other worries floating around in my head.  We talked about some things to do if I find myself focusing on the negative.  I am supposed to think about just one positive thing going on at the time.  Whether it is related to the negative thing I’m thinking or not.

I think that this will be a good thing for me to do.  I have a hard time focusing on the positive, especially if there are negative things going on right in my face.  I’ve been feeling better these past two weeks since practicing my REACH Empowerment (PLEASE Master) skills.  I feel better because I have been walking several times a week, and because I am FORCING positive moments into my day.  Yeah, these emotion regulation skills are really helping me.  I never would have thought of MAKING myself do something positive that I enjoy.  I guess sometimes the simple things really are the answer.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, DBT, Mental Illness, Therapy | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

I’ll Pass On the Baby, Thanks Just the Same.

My husband and I have decided not to have children.  Not ever.  This was a conscious decision that we made before we got married.  There are oh-so-many reasons for us NOT to have children.  It really was a no-brainer.  The following reasons are not in order of importance.  ALL of these reasons for us not reproducing are equally important.  Also, this list is not all-inclusive.

1)       Neither of us wants children.  I did quite a bit of babysitting when I was in middle and high school.  I learned that I do not have the patience to deal with children.  Jay raised a child with his first wife from the age of 2 or 3 until the boy was 18-ish.  His thought is “Been there, done that!”  Not to mention, we just don’t want the hassle that comes with a kid.  I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true.  Better we know that before we get pregnant and then take it out on the child who didn’t ask to be born.

2)       Neither of us believes that we would be good, or even semi-decent parents.  Jay has a temper.  I have a temper.  I’m afraid that I would be verbally and physically abusive.  I think that I would lose my patience, get frustrated, and end up shaking the baby.  Or hitting it.  Or throwing it across the room.  Or throwing something across the room to hit the baby.  Or playing “Kick the Baby!”.  I can imagine that I would smack the smart-ass out of the kid as it got older.  I would also probably be very nasty and demeaning to it.  That’s the way I know how to deal with people.  I’m sure I would treat an underage person no differently.

3)       We don’t want to pass on our crazy genes.  I know that it is debatable as to whether or not Borderline Personality Disorder is a genetic thing.  I do think that our child would be more likely to have it, as both Jay and I have been diagnosed with BPD.  Our behavior alone would be enough to screw the kid up.  Not to mention, Jay also has Bipolar.  I’m not sure if that is genetic or not.  No sense risking it, though.  Whether our fictional child would be BORN with mental issues is unsure.  We are both pretty certain, however, that we would slowly, but surely, fuck this child up beyond repair.  I doubt Obamacare would cover the necessary therapies.

4)       We don’t want the responsibility.  Both of us are realistic enough to know that having a child is a life-long commitment.  You will always be a parent.  There is no getting out of that.  Not to mention the expense.  We want to be able to buy what we want, and not have to put someone else first.  It’s hard enough to deal with the dog’s expenses, and I’m pretty sure a baby would cost a lot more.  If the choice came down to buying a new book or buying diapers, we would have to buy diapers.  If the choice came down to buying cigarettes or crayons for a school project, I’m pretty sure the crayons would have to win.

5)       We don’t need the added stress in our lives.  Having a baby has got to be incredibly stressful and intense.  And continuous.  You can’t tell it to stop crying for the next hour while you sleep.  I don’t think I would do too well operating on little to no sleep.  I need sleep to help regulate my emotions.  Any extra stress would most likely be my undoing, too.  A child would just be too much for us.  Sometimes I get overly stressed about having to take care of our dog.  A child would not be good.

I have had many people try to change my mind over the years.  I am not going to change my mind.  People come up with the most asinine reasons to procreate, too.  One guy said to me, “Think of your parents!  Don’t they want grandchildren?”  What a ridiculous reason to have a child.  To please someone else?  I can see looking at the child and being filled with regret and resentment if I just had it to placate my birth family.  People need to have children because THEY want children, not for any other reason.  Not to make someone else happy or to fill them with love.  Not to fix a difficult marriage.

I think mental illness is on the rise partly because so many woman now-a-days are acting as baby factories.  They just pop out children without a thought to the consequences.  If someone is raised in a hostile or unloving environment, it is very likely they will have some sort of emotional issues.  How would it affect YOU if you knew as a child that one or both of your parents didn’t really want you?  That you were a drain on them, financially and emotionally.

People really need to have children for the right reasons, otherwise more people in the future will go through life feeling neglected, unloved, and unwanted.  What kind of world would that look like?

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Mental Illness, Relationships | Tags: , , | 3 Comments

Mental Illness Awareness Week

October 7 – 13 is Mental Illness Awareness Week.  More information can be found at the NAMI website.  Check it out!!

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Depressed, Mental Illness, Panic Attack, Self Harm, Self-Injury, Therapy | 1 Comment

P!nk – True Love


“At the same time I wanna hug you I wanna wrap my hands around your neck”

“You’re an asshole, but I love you!”

LOL – I’m loving her new album!!

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Music, Relationships | Tags: , | Leave a comment

The Best They Can? Hardly.

Why do people like to assume that everyone does “the best they can”?  I was on a website that said you should always assume that everyone “does the best that they can”, and you will be happier.  Let’s face it, though:  A lot of people AREN’T doing the best they can.  I don’t do “the best I can” at work.  Most people driving on the roads aren’t driving “the best they can”.  Most parents don’t do “the best they can” when raising their children.  Parents like to claim that they have “done the best they can”.  That way they are able to sleep soundly at night, free from the guilt of knowing what they’ve done to their child.

I had a boss several months ago who mentioned one time that she was sure that my “parents did the best they could”.  Really?  You think so?  I’m sure it gives everyone a nice squishy feeling to think that their parents did the best they could.  People want to think that their parents loved them unconditionally, and that everything they did stemmed from that love, whether it turned out right or not.

It’s just not true, though.  Most people just do not put forth their best effort in everything.  Most people can’t.  I imagine that would wear me out pretty quickly.  Doing everything at 100% must be exhausting.  Even doing the best you can as a parent 100% of the time seems impossible.

I don’t think my parents did the best they could.  I don’t even think that every action came from the love they felt for me.  Maybe the love they felt for themselves.  Maybe the love they felt for my siblings.  But definitely NOT from the love they felt for me.  I think that a lot of people with personality disorders or other mood disorders would be able to say the same thing about their parents.  I think that, most likely, if all the people with diagnosed personality disorders had parents who actually DID their best, then these people wouldn’t have personality disorders.

If, as a child, when you feel sad, your parent tells you to “snap out of it”, all you know is that sadness is a bad thing to feel.  You just push it down.  If, when you are angry or hurt, your parent tells you that is unacceptable, all you know is that anger and hurt are bad things to feel.  More emotions pushed down.  If the only way a parent interacts with you when you’re young is to tell you how you are lacking and need to do/be better, you start to question your worth.  If you ask your parent to fulfill a need you have, only to be lectured and ridiculed, you learn it is better to do without than to make “stupid, unnecessary” requests.  If you grow up in an environment that has your parents yelling at and demeaning each other, you learn that that is an acceptable way to interact with your partner.  If you keep reaching out to your parents for love, only to be ignored or slapped down, you learn that you don’t matter.  You also fail to learn how to properly show love.

We learn a lot of lessons from our parents.  I know I did.  Turns out I learned all the wrong things.  I wish my parents really had done “the best they could”.  Maybe I would be different.

Here’s a thought:  Maybe they DID do the best they could.  One more reason why people need to seriously consider the consequences of having children before they reproduce.  Too bad there’s not a test one needs to pass in order to have children.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Relationships, Thoughts | Tags: | 2 Comments

From Distress Tolerance to Emotion Regulation

I have noticed that, within these past couple weeks, there has been a subtle shift in the type of DBT skills I’ve been using.  For a while there, I was pretty much only using distress tolerance skills.  Things like mindfulness, regulating my breathing, distraction, and various self-soothing skills.

This past week especially I have pretty much moved on to the emotion regulation skills. Things like REACH Empowerment (or PLEASE Master, for those who prefer it said that way), DEAR MAN, Wise Mind, and Build Positive Experiences. My therapist had been telling me for weeks that what I really needed were the emotion regulation skills. I guess she was right. I’ve been feeling a lot better since I’ve been learning how to control my emotions. At least, I’m able to control them a little, which is better than it’s been.

I’m excited to do my daily empowerment skill. I’m really enjoying working through the REACH skills. I’ve focused on “e” (eat properly balanced meals), “c” (catch enough zzz’s) and “h” (healthily exercise daily). I am also getting pleasure from building positive experiences.

These emotion reg skills really are making me feel better. Things that happen throughout the day don’t seem as major. The smallest thing doesn’t seem to turn into a crisis. I feel pretty good lately. I feel like I’ve been better able to cope. This aren’t as muddled and confused in my head. Maybe this DBT stuff will work. Who knew? LMCAO

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Mental Illness, Therapy | Tags: , , , , | 1 Comment

My Daily Empowerment Skill

I had it explained to me at my last DBT group session that I needed to be doing an empowerment skill (or mastery skill for those of you who like the old way) on a daily basis.  My therapist suggested maybe doing research on things I was interested in.  Long story short, I decided to learn a few obscure facts each day about the presidents of the United States in order.  I have researched George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and James Madison so far.

George Washington’s dentures weren’t made of wood.  They were actually made of animal bone and human teeth that he purchased from his slaves.  John Adams spoke four different languages and didn’t like shaking hands with people.  Thomas Jefferson would greet his guests at the White House in slippers and a robe.  He had a pet mockingbird named Dick that he allowed to fly around the White House.  James Madison had two vice presidents and was younger than both of them.  Both his VPs died in office.  He had eleven siblings, but no children.

I have found that I’m looking forward to my daily empowerment skill.  It’s nice to have something to do everyday that I’m interested in.  Maybe there is something to this emotional regulation stuff after all.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Mental Illness, Therapy | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

I Wanna Rip My Face Off

I have poison ivy.  On my face.  Again. 

I got it once at the end of fifth grade because I was trying to prove a friend wrong.  She pointed to something in the words behind my brother’s soccer game.  She said it was poison ivy. I said it was not.  After going back and forth a few times, I told her that, in order to prove that it was NOT poison ivy, I would rub it on my face. Turns out I was wrong.

I got it the second time at the end of seventh grade.  I didn’t want to go to school, and I knew poison ivy on my face got me out of school once before, so I figured I’d try it again.  Yup.  No school for a week.

I got it the third time shortly after I got married.  Jay and I had gone to my parents’ house for dinner, and I picked up the cat and rubbed my face on it.  The cat must have been playing in poison ivy, because my face swelled up so much that time that I looked like a duck.

I’m not sure how I got it this time.  As a REACH Empowerment skill, I have been trying to walk at least four times a day for twenty to thirty minutes. It’s the “h” in REACH Empowerment, meaning to “healthily exercise”. I have been doing my walking on the mountain bike trails in a park close to my work. I’m basically walking through the woods, so it make sense that they would be poison ivy. Guess I’ll have to be more careful in the future.

BTW I had another day of using the DBT skill of “building positive experiences”. Jay and I took the dog to the park for a while. Then, this evening we had another fire out back and cooked dinner in it. It’s been a good weekend so far.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Marriage, Mental Illness | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

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