I prefer my angry look, thank you!

It seems to me that everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) in the office lately is playing a game called “Let’s Give Meagan Shit For Not Walking Around With a Stupid Smile on Her Face”.  Needless to say, I DO NOT appreciate it!  Nobody knows what I’m dealing with.  Nobody knows what I’m feeling.  Nobody knows what goes through my head.  Nobody knows that I’ve fallen off the razor’s edge and am hanging on by just my pinky nail.  Who are they to assume that a requirement of being in society is to have a stupid-ass shit-eating grin on your face?  So I’m not bubbly and always smiling.  Does it really bother other people that much?  I don’t have to deal with the public or worry about customer service, so what does it matter if I look a little surly?

I had one guy who was pretty high up on the office food chain (before they fired him!) tell me that I needed to stop looking so glum.  He actually snapped at me.  He sounded ANGRY that I wasn’t smiling.  And it’s not just that I wasn’t smiling while talking to him, or interacting with people.  Even I know to paste on a smile when talking to people.  He seemed pissed that I was walking from the copier back to my desk with a frown on my face.  It must have injured him terribly to see that not everyone is as happy-go-lucky as him.  Who knew that people had actual problems?

A couple weeks ago, a guy who is still in my office but doesn’t work for my company asked if he was going to see a smile from me that day.  Why would I smile at him?  He said he felt it was his duty to make me smile.  He is another one that always has a HUGE ear-to-ear grin on his face.  I guess he feels happy all the time.  Good for him.  I don’t.  Leave me alone in my misery.

Yesterday afternoon a bigwig asked me what was wrong.  When I asked what he meant, he told me that I had a “stressed and serious” look on my face.  I said (rather sarcastically, whoops), “Sorry about that.  Let me paste a big grin on my face.”  I then proceeded to place a forefinger at each corner of my mouth and pulled up, forcing my lips into a smile.  He back-peddled.  Glad he realized that I didn’t appreciate that comment.

It’s even worse when strangers out in public will throw out a smart-ass “Smile!” comment as they walk by me.  Man, it makes me want to just run after them, jump on their backs, and start slamming their heads into the concrete.  I’m sorry, did that sound angry?  Ever since I can remember, even back as far as my childhood, I have had strange people come up to me and tell me to smile.  I am starting to think that my face just looks that way.  I have to FORCE myself to smile, and I always have.

Though, as I write this, I am feeling conflicted.  I specifically remember my first grade teacher constantly going on and on about what a beautiful smile I have had.  Maybe I did use to smile.  Maybe life has just gotten me down so much, that I can’t find anything to smile about.  Either way, how I portray my feelings, what I put on my face, and how I move my mouth is MY BUSINESS.  If the look on my face offends you, stop looking.  I don’t want to talk to you, anyway.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Stress | Leave a comment

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