I’m thinking about linking this blog to my Facebook account. So far this blog has been anonymous. Well, sort of. There may be one or two people on Twitter (which has my real name) who know about this blog, but they don’t know me “in real life”. I don’t even have my email address linked to this blog. I created a separate email account with a fake name so no one would accidentally come across my blog and know it was me.
I haven’t wanted my family to see this blog. That feeling is slowly changing. With this time of year messing me up, I feel like it would be a relief for me to let them see what I really think and feel about everything. Maybe THEN they would believe me when I say they have hurt me. Or, maybe they won’t. Maybe they will just be mad that I posted this blog, and then made it public. Maybe they would be so mad that THEY would do what I haven’t had the guts to do and cut off contact with me. They would be angry at what they found to be “false” memories and accusations. They would be angry because now other people would know what has been going on in the family. My parents/family may be able to discount some because they don’t want to believe/remember the truth, but I doubt they could turn a blind eye to all that I have said. How could they completely disregard all that I’ve been saying?
But they could. I have addressed these things in the past to no avail. They made me feel like what I said was either wrong, or didn’t matter. I could really be let down if I tried to use this as a way to validate my feelings. I suppose my husband and therapist have validated me enough so that I don’t care if I am also validated by my family. LMCAO Wouldn’t it be nice if that were true?
I could also be completely crushed if there was no reaction. They way I see it, there are several options here: 1) They will read the blog, see what I say is truth, apologize for hurting me, and we will reconcile. 2) They will read the blog, think I am 100% full of it, get mad, bad-mouth me to the entire family, and no one will ever talk to me again. 3) They will read the blog, see part of it as truth, but completely discount it since they don’t agree with it completely. 4) They may or may not read the blog, but I will never know as they won’t address it, sweeping it under the rug with everything else.
It would hurt me the most if option 4 is what occurred. This needs to be addressed, but I am too much of a chicken to say anything after the last attempts. What I would really like to happen is option 2. I thought it was option 1, but being close to family members would just tire me out. Having to be fake and put on the happy front all the time. Having to remember birthdays. Having to return phone calls and emails. Having to visit and spend time with them. No thanks. Let’s just trim the fat right now. They are not worth the effort of “family time”. I just want them out of my life, and out of my thoughts.
I am still not sure about linking this blog to my Facebook account. I guess I will continue to consider it. I would appreciate any comments or advice anyone has on this topic. BTW – Sorry I keep bringing up all this family stuff, but I don’t see it ending anytime soon. It should either end after Christmas (once all the holidays are over!!) or when/if I post this blog and the shit storm starts.