I’m lost somewhere inside

I can’t figure out who I am.  I don’t know why I act the way I do most of the time.  I feel like there are several different people in my body, and my life would be so much easier if they would just merge into one.  If the real me would just come out as a whole person, I think my life (and my husband’s life) would be more worth living.

I range between a child, a bitter angry woman, someone so depressed they can barely move, an anxious worrying mess, and a seemingly normal person.  I don’t think any of these are who I really am.  At least, I hope not.  I really don’t like any of these people.  One may think that that I wouldn’t mind the “seemingly normal person”.  Wrong!  I feel like that person is a fake.  She puts a smile on her face and acts interested when her co-workers talk about their kids.  She tries to participate when engaged in conversation that terrifies her.  She squares her shoulders and looks straight ahead when she walks, trying to convey confidence and self-worth.  She is productive at work, so nothing must be wrong.  Don’t look too closely.  She’s just the mask I wear when I’m starting to feel better.

Maybe one day some of these people inside me will drop off, or better ones will form.  Maybe one day they will all merge into one.  Maybe one day I will know the real me.  Hopefully it will be someone I like.  Hopefully it will be someone I can live with.  I can’t take these other people for too much longer.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Dissociation, Mental Illness | Tags: | Leave a comment

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