I’ve been going through this past week or so in a foggy daze again. Nothing really seems real, and what does seem real isn’t. I walk around like I’m in a dream. Everything seems fuzzy. I have a hard time concentrating on things. I will be asked a question, and shortly into answering it I have forgotten what the question was and where I was going with my answer. I feel like I’m not really here. This isn’t really happening. I can’t seem to get a grasp on anything.
Over the weekend, Jay said that I needed to make an effort to be involved in our relationship. I sat down with him and started talking with him. I asked a couple questions and he responded. At least, that’s what I thought happened. I was having a conversation in my head. I heard myself speaking. I heard him speaking. I SAW him speaking. After who knows how much time passed, he got irritated with me because I was sitting silently, withdrawn. I told him that I didn’t know what he meant. I was obviously trying to be social and engaging. How could he say I was sitting there “like a bump on a log”? Because I was. The conversation happened in my head, and in my head alone. I never opened my mouth. I never said a word.
I really am losing it. I can’t remember things that happen, and I remember things that don’t happen. I am disconnected from myself, therefore disconnecting me from my husband. I am walking a hair-trigger, just waiting for something to set me off into uncontrollable anger or a deep depression. I’m barely hanging on. I need a break, but know I can’t take one. I feel like nothing will change and nothing will ever get better. I am trying to do practice my DBT skills. I am trying to be open with my therapist. I am trying to control my emotions. I am told I am getting worse. I FEEL like I’m getting worse. It seems like there’s no way out. I WANT to be different. I WANT to act different. I WANT to feel different. I just don’t know how. I understand it takes a long time to “recover” from BPD, if one ever does. I really need the change to happen NOW. I need something to be different NOW. Not just for me, but for my husband, and my dog.