Trapped in the Fog

I’ve been going through this past week or so in a foggy daze again.  Nothing really seems real, and what does seem real isn’t.  I walk around like I’m in a dream.  Everything seems fuzzy.  I have a hard time concentrating on things.  I will be asked a question, and shortly into answering it I have forgotten what the question was and where I was going with my answer.  I feel like I’m not really here.  This isn’t really happening.  I can’t seem to get a grasp on anything.

Over the weekend, Jay said that I needed to make an effort to be involved in our relationship.  I sat down with him and started talking with him.  I asked a couple questions and he responded.  At least, that’s what I thought happened.  I was having a conversation in my head.  I heard myself speaking.  I heard him speaking.  I SAW him speaking.  After who knows how much time passed, he got irritated with me because I was sitting silently, withdrawn.  I told him that I didn’t know what he meant.  I was obviously trying to be social and engaging.  How could he say I was sitting there “like a bump on a log”?  Because I was.  The conversation happened in my head, and in my head alone.  I never opened my mouth.  I never said a word.

I really am losing it.  I can’t remember things that happen, and I remember things that don’t happen.  I am disconnected from myself, therefore disconnecting me from my husband.  I am walking a hair-trigger, just waiting for something to set me off into uncontrollable anger or a deep depression.  I’m barely hanging on.  I need a break, but know I can’t take one.  I feel like nothing will change and nothing will ever get better.  I am trying to do practice my DBT skills.  I am trying to be open with my therapist.  I am trying to control my emotions.  I am told I am getting worse.  I FEEL like I’m getting worse.  It seems like there’s no way out.  I WANT to be different.  I WANT to act different.  I WANT to feel different.  I just don’t know how.  I understand it takes a long time to “recover” from BPD, if one ever does.  I really need the change to happen NOW.  I need something to be different NOW.  Not just for me, but for my husband, and my dog.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Depressed, Dissociation, Mental Illness, Thoughts | Tags: , | 1 Comment

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One thought on “Trapped in the Fog

  1. Is there any way you could take a short medical leave from your job? Maybe give yourself some time to relax and get focused? I’ve done that a few times in the past and found that it really helped. These days I can usually get by with just a single day to myself.

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