I am feeling paralyzed by my anxiety right now. I don’t even know what to do. I am at work, and, lucky for me, my boss has gone to lunch. He could be back any minute, though. I can’t think. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I don’t know if there is anything even to do. I may be out of work for the day. That brings up another problem: How am I going to look busy for the remaining 3 1/2 hours of the workday? I hope my boss calls and tells me he will be out for the rest of the day. I cannot take trying to look busy at the moment. I guess it’s time to pull out some DBT skills. I’m really limited in what I can actually do at work (No laying down while meditating, taking a walk, or even sitting here being mindful). Just typing this out helps. I guess it’s soothing for me.
My boss’ cell phone is ringing. He left it at his desk. I guess he is definitely coming back today. I feel like I am going to go out of my skin. I don’t know how I will hold this in. I have been anxious all day, probably because I am thinking about my doctor appt on Wednesday. It is not a mental health doctor of any kind. I will be having an exam and am pretty sure they will see my cuts/scars/scratches/marks. I am trying to think about what I’m going to say if it’s addressed, and I’m pretty sure it will be. I think I am going to tell the doc that I don’t want to discuss it. I hope that will fly. If all else fails, I have my therapist’s card in my wallet. I guess they can always call her if they have concerns. I’ll be at the Health Dept, though, so how much could they really care? In and out is all they’re worried about.
I feel better. I think keeping my mind occupied is the key. That’s why I get so freaked out and anxious when I don’t have anything left to do. I cannot keep my mind from wandering then.