Jay and I were talking yesterday about something. I can’t remember what. I, do, however, remember saying “That really irritates me” in response to whatever it was. Jay then said, “EVERYTHING irritates you! Trust me, I’ve seen it!” I don’t think he was being nasty. I could detect a smile in his voice (we were talking on the phone). I have to say, though, that that comment rather, well, irritated me! LMCAO I stuttered a little when he said it, but knew that I had no defense. He’s right. I do become irritated at everything. Literally EVERYTHING. Heavy traffic, people cutting in front of me, people driving too slowly, people running red lights and almost hitting me, people parking in no parking zones, people stopping their cars in the middle of the road. People walking too slowly in the grocery store, people stopping their carts in the middle of the aisles, people talking to me when I don’t want them to. I think I will stop there. I was going to list more and more and more things that irritate me, but I think you get the gist. Basically anything that doesn’t go my way is irritating to me.
And not just irritating. That’s how it starts. It starts as a little tickling irritation in the back of my head, and, before I know it, it has grown into full blown RAGE. It only takes a matter of seconds, probably more like milliseconds, for my irritation to turn into anger. Then, I have a hard time coming down from my fury. I lash out at my husband. My dog. My Blazer. Myself. It’s always there, too, in the back of my mind, waiting to leap into my fore-thoughts and just generally fuck up my mood.
I wish I didn’t feel everything so INTENSELY. It makes the entire day exhausting. Not to mention scary for the people on the other end of my crazy anger. Hopefully with more DBT and individual therapy, this will be taken care of. I’m pretty irritated that I can’t eradicate this as quickly as I want.