The Cold Hard FACTS


I had my DBT group yesterday.  It wasn’t much of a “group” as it was just me and TWO therapists.  Talk about feeling ganged up on!  Since I was the only one there, I brought up the issues I am having with my family.  I asked the main group leader if I should try using D.E.A.R. M.A.N. to address my family.  As I was asking the question, I said, “Well, I guess I need to know what I want to do, first.”  I was then told that I should try using Wise Mind.  That is a skill that I have not learned yet, so I had it explained to me.

Basically, I need to look at the FACTS of this situation and not just rely on my emotions.  My therapist astutely pointed out that I tend to lean towards the emotional side of things (“Lean”?  More like totally fallen over on that side – LMCAO).  She suggested that I make a list of the FACTS.  List the FACTS of mine and my parents’ and siblings’ relationships.  List the FACTS of what has happened with us.  List things that have been said.  List things that have been done.  I’m not supposed to focus on the emotional, or how I am feeling.  Just the cold, hard FACTS.

I spent the day perfecting my list.  I considered posting it, but it is really very very long, and I seriously doubt that ANYONE wants to read that (expect for Crazy Jay, that is).  Basically, it is all negative.  There is very little positive on the list.  The only positive FACTS of our relationship are that my parents’ have helped me out with money, car rides, paying bills, and getting me a dentist appointment.  The downside is that they always used me needing help as a time to butt in.  They felt that if they gave me money, that meant they could lecture me about it.  If they helped me, that meant they had some sort of say in my life.  They felt their help equaled control.  The help that they gave me was NEVER worth the cost I had to suffer through paying.

I have decided I am done with them.  They are nothing but a drain on me, even when they aren’t actually interacting/emailing with me.  Any time I think of them or talk about them, all I feel is anger, resentment, hurt and disappointment.  It’s just not worth it.  My family is my husband and my dog.  I have moved on from the people in Virginia.  We share the same blood, but that’s it.

I just two seconds ago got a lengthy email from my sister.  I’m not even going to read it.  Sorry.  Too little, waaaay too late.

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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Mental Illness, Relationships, Therapy | Tags: , | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “The Cold Hard FACTS

  1. Mandi

    Wow do I get this. I don’t do DBT, but I think because of how I was raised (no emotions allowed) I’ve always looked at the facts and have never let how I feel enter into the equation. Except for things like “it’s hard for me to understand that….”. My friends say my parents are “toxic”.They are! Just like it sounds like your parents are! As you said, that negative list is too long to post. I thought how I felt about me was bad… but how they feel about me is worse. It all comes down to a huge mask of perfection that I ripped off by having a mental illness! And the need to of course control. Holidays, how we raise our kids… everything. After a huge failed attempt at family mediation, both my brothers family and ours have decided to have no contact with them.

    I’m really glad that you’re done with them. It’s not benefiting you. For me, having those relationships cut off has been better. They are my #1 trigger. Was in the hospital the same night as the mediation. It’s too much to deal with when you’ve got this SCREWED up disease! Sad when I think about being a kid when everything seemed happy. But it was all just a mask.

    I hope it works out well for you! I know it’s a really big and hard decision to make. Will be thinking of you!

    • I’m sorry about all you’ve been through with your family. I am confident I’ve made the right decision in ending contact with mine. I feel so much better about things! I really think this is the start of something very good for me. Thanks for your comments! 🙂

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