I’m going to bug everyone ONE LAST TIME with a post about family stuff.
Last night, after I posted this talking about my “wise mind” list regarding my family and my relationship with them, I received an email from my mother. Now, I initially wasn’t going to read it, but I saw that it had something to do with my upcoming birthday. I was sucked in. I opened it, and quickly (VERY quickly) skimmed the email. It was pretty long. I’m not sure what all was said, but I did see part of it. The section that caught my eye was her asking me if we could contact each other more often. She suggested taking a specific day each week and either writing a letter or sending an email.
My first thought was, “Oh, no! She’s trying to have a relationship, so now I am going to have to be involved with her again. She’s making an effort, so that means I have to.” My next thought was about how exhausting it was going to be to be involved with her again. My NEXT thought was, “Well, this really doesn’t change anything.” After all, the list I made for my DBT skill of Wise Mind yesterday was still 99% negative. The family in VA is still a drain on me. They still only inspire negative thoughts. They are still harmful to my mental health.
As I thought through my feelings last night, I realized that I really am over all this. I didn’t feel hopeful at the thought of communicating with my mother and the rest of my family again. I felt like it was ONE MORE THING I was going to have to deal with. One more situation I’m going to have to learn a skill for in order to muddle through. One more thing that is going to weigh on me. One more thing that is going to depress, upset, and anger me. One more thing that I don’t need.
I really am done with them. I see my mother and my sister reaching out to me now, whatever their motivation may be. It really doesn’t matter, though. I really am finished with this pain. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think this may be the first step in healing my mental health: Getting rid of toxic people.