On the way to work this morning, I had a run in with my inner critic. She used to be in my head quite a bit. It wasn’t until she spoke up again this morning that I realized she has been quiet for a while. She was a constant presence. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was stupid. Every move I made was the worst possible thing I could do. I didn’t even realize, until this morning, that she had her own separate voice. I always assumed what I heard in my head were my thoughts. I didn’t understand that there was another person in my head, bent on destroying me at all costs. Some may call it “sin nature”. This has never been a religious blog, though, so I’ll stick with the name I know: Mara.
I thought Mara was gone. She had taken over for a while there. I really don’t remember much of what happened. The past several months are pretty blurry. What I do remember seems like a dream. I know that I spent most of that time disassociated and completely disconnected from reality. I was caught up in a flurry of anger, despair, desperation, and hopelessness. I really thought things were going to stay like that forever. I wasn’t sure if I would make it out of that time.
But I did. I feel like I have turned a corner. I have been feeling surprisingly good and optimistic these past couple weeks. I feel like there is a way out. I feel like I’m getting better. I’m not so controlled by my emotions or my negative thoughts.
That’s why it was so surprising to hear from Mara this morning. And man, is she a BITCH! I was driving through a park, my thoughts just running around about what’s coming up over the next few days. What more I have to accomplish before I can relax on the weekend. All of a sudden, Mara chimed in. I felt like I had been slapped. What a nasty thing for her to say! I’m not going to go into specifics, but suffice it to say that she couldn’t get much meaner. I actually struggled not to cry when I heard it (and it was an audible voice in my head).
It’s no wonder I was so miserable there for a while. No wonder when I have people floating around in my head saying things to hurt me. I am working to eradicate negative people from my life. I have been successful so far. I guess I was so busy focusing on the people on the outside that I didn’t realize I would have to kick out the nasty voices in my head, too.
I hope that, as I continue to insert positive experiences into my days, the negative voices will fade away. Maybe they will even be replaced by people saying NICE things in my head. That would be a welcome change. I’m not sure what it would be like to have the voices in my head actually be on MY side.