Today I am supposed to disclose to my DBT group what long-term career goal I intend to pursue. I have been lightly thinking on this over the past week. It wasn’t until yesterday that I realized something I liked doing, and then last night that I chose a career goal. I’ve been hesitant to ponder this. I was afraid that there would turn out to be NOTHING that I liked doing. NOTHING that I could turn into a career goal. I was worried that my future would always be a dark void with nothing coming from it.
I’m a little nervous to share this. I haven’t told Jay about my newly-determined career goal, and I am embarrassed to share it with my DBT group this afternoon. I thought it might be easier to first reveal it to a group of faceless individuals that I don’t really know so I wouldn’t be as affected by any judgment passed.
Now, it’s nothing horrible. I just feel stupid about this…as usual. I’m worried that I’ll be laughed at as if I said I wanted to become a Supreme Court Justice (private joke…sorry).
I was thinking on the drive home from work yesterday that I have always really enjoyed reading and writing. I have been reading since kindergarten. I was in an early morning reading group that met before school. I have enjoyed writing since at least middle school. My 6th grade English teacher was AWESOME and really encouraged our writing. I have also been invited to participate in two selective writing workshops, and I was one of the school magazine editors my senior year in high school. My fondness for reading and writing is something that has stayed constant throughout my life. I even remember being disappointed in my senior year of government class because I wasn’t in the advanced class and was therefore not required to write a weekly paper.
While in school, we would pass our written assignments onto other students so we could practice our proofreading skills. I have always enjoyed this. I think it’s something about pointing out other people’s mistakes in glaring red pen…but who knows? I have decided that my long-term career goal is to become an editor. I have done a little research into making this happen (because I know my therapist will ask me how to accomplish it!), and I’m not sure if this is even plausible for me. It seems like this career requires a degree, which I do not have. I’m also not sure that I am ready to commit to even TRYING to go back to school. I tried to go back last year. It was just a few online courses, and I only lasted for about a month.
I suppose that, even if I’m not ready to begin pursuing this career just yet, it gives me something to look forward to. It gives me a goal to reach towards. Taking the steps to reach my goal will give me purpose and structure. I think I may just be able to make this happen, given enough time and if my mental health stays steady. Maybe I won’t just be floating through life with no plans. Maybe I can actually make something happen with my life. I can see how having no goals or ambition could only serve to depress people. Myself included. Just HAVING a goal makes me feel a little better about myself and makes me excited for the possible future.