I had an awesome individual therapy session this morning. I’ve been wanting to post about it all day, but I’ve just been too busy with work. That’s a good thing! I love being so busy at work that I don’t have time to slack off. It makes me feel productive and useful.
During my session today, my therapist was telling me how great it is to see me doing well, and that she can really notice a difference. She said it was encouraging to see me smile and hear me laugh. Jay has recently been telling me that I’ve begun laughing again. I told my therapist how I am feeling so much better, especially since I have been working on my REACH Empowerment skills and building positive experiences. Then I was asked if the negative thoughts have pretty much stopped. I told her that they are still there, but not nearly as LOUD as they have been. She asked me what negative, judging thoughts I was having about myself. I’m still struggling with thinking I’m stupid, and I told her that. She asked if there were any thoughts I could use to counter the thought that I am too stupid to live. I told her that there may be, but I didn’t know what they were. That’s when the fun began.
My therapist asked me what is the opposite of being stupid. I took a few seconds. I hemmed and hawed. Finally I meekly said, “Being smart? Being intelligent?” She noticed it was hard for me to spit that out, and asked if I have a difficult time thinking or saying positive things about myself. What a silly question. She should know the answer to that already!
I told her that I ABSOLUTELY have a hard time letting myself think positive things. I feel like I’m nothing but crap, and it is incredibly uncomfortable for me to see anything about myself differently. I guess I have heard so many times throughout my life how I am less than, how I’m wrong, how I’m stupid, how I can’t do things right, etc, that I have come to believe it. I have heard the negative so much from other people, I can’t see how anything else could be true.
I guess that’s the next thing to work on. I have learned skills to make it through the day without being in a horrible emotional state that I can’t stand, be it anger, depression or anxiety. I have learned skills to help better control my emotions so that they aren’t running (running, ruining…same thing in this case!) my life. I guess sometime soon I am going to have to work on my self-esteem. I am going to have to learn to be nice to myself. To quote P!nk’s song “Fuckin’ Perfect”: “You’re so mean when you talk about yourself. You were wrong. Change the voices in your head. Make them like you instead.”
I know that I need to start thinking of POSITIVE things about myself and keep telling myself those things over and over. I need to change the voices in my head. I need to stop listening to the voices that were placed in my head by people only looking to cause me harm. I need to start being nice to myself. I’m hoping that, as I continue to have good days and feel better, eventually the voices in my head will change. They’ve already quieted, but I would really like to replace them with some kind, caring voices. I think it’s time that I try to be good to myself.
I really like P!nk’s “Fuckin’ Perfect”. Take some time to listen to it if you haven’t already.