Everything I say seems to come out twisted and hurtful. Not everything. Just when I am trying to express what I am thinking or feeling. When I have an issue with someone, namely Jay, no matter how hard I try, it seems to him that I am being cruel and insulting. Or blaming him for something. I feel like I have no idea how to talk to people. The people that matter, anyway. I can be professional with my co-workers all day long. I can joke with them. I’m aware that sometimes my “jokes” come off as sarcastic and mean. I really don’t care when I’m interacting with people that I have deemed as unworthy of having a deep relationship with. I suppose that I should care about how I treat other people. I think I will one day. Right now I’m just worried about how I treat the person that matters to me.
Jay and I both get so frustrated when I try to talk to him about what I’m feeling or thinking. Especially when it’s related to something he’s said or done. I will try to express what is going on in my head, and it comes out all wrong. Then Jay gets upset or offended or hurt or angry or insert-negative-emotion-here. The end result is that I apologize for speaking poorly, and then I feel like I am unable to express myself. The conversation ends with nothing really being discussed, expect for the misunderstanding about what I said, and me deciding that it’s not even worth it to talk about what I’m feeling. It seems better to suffer in silence than to have an argument over the way that I say what’s going on with me.
I missed my DBT group today. Thursday I have an individual session with my therapist. We have been going over interpersonal effectiveness skills and GIVE. I’m sure that the more I learn about these skills, the better I will be able to adequately express myself without hurting others. I’m looking forward to that day.