Maybe the Problem is With ME

I have been pondering the issue of having friends for several weeks now.  I was wondering if they were even worth my time.  Then, I decided that I would rather live an isolated life with limited people in it.  I was thinking about it again the other day, and I have come up with a new conclusion:  Maybe it’s not that friends aren’t worth the effort to me.  Maybe it’s more that I feel like I’M not worth the effort.  I feel like I’m unworthy, so I’m sure that’s what everyone else sees, too.

My therapist has tried several times, unsuccessfully, by the way, to get me to talk about WHY I always feel stupid and insecure.  She has asked me several times if I think I have any self worth.  I haven’t let her go that deep.  I’m not ready to face that yet.  That’s a huge issue that I am not comfortable delving into.  That’s too deep.  Too close to home.  Too much hurt involved in that conversation.

I have a pretty good idea that I feel less-than and not worth anyone’s time.  It’s not something I have fun saying, but I know that it is an attitude I project.  When Crazy Jay and I first got married, he was all the time telling me to stop apologizing for things.  I would apologize for EVERYTHING.  Literally.  If something happened that was dissatisfactory, no matter what it was or whether or not I could control it, I would apologize.  Jay used to say that if someone said the sky was the wrong color of blue, I would apologize.

I know why I feel unworthy and less-than.  I know why I feel like I don’t matter.  I have taken care of that issue, though, so hopefully I will be able to slowly grow some feelings of worth.  I almost said “regain feelings of worth,” but I don’t know if those are ever feelings that I possessed.

I guess knowing about myself that I may shy away from relationships with people because I feel unworthy and not because I see others as unworthy is going to cause me to rethink having friends.  It’s a scary thought for me, though.  Putting myself out there.  Relying on other people.  Being relied on by others.  I think I will have to tread lightly.  Otherwise I can see myself throwing everything I have into a new friendship only to be disappointed when the other person doesn’t want the relationship as intensely as I do.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Mental Illness, Relationships, Thoughts | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Maybe the Problem is With ME

  1. confessionsofbpd

    I know what you mean about the self-worth. I think I also intrinsically believe that I am not worth it. So I don’t fight for things unless I feel that there is an injustice. I worry about bothering people, even if I should bother them (like part of my job). The apologizing bit is true for me too. Try to remember that your therapist is working for you and your progress. Your progress is dependent on how willing you are to go to that level. With BPD we believe that the therapist will reject us if we reveal a great deal, but this is not true. We are paying them to help us! 🙂

  2. Pingback: Time to Reconsider Isolation « Struggling with BPD

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