I have been pondering the issue of having friends for several weeks now. I was wondering if they were even worth my time. Then, I decided that I would rather live an isolated life with limited people in it. I was thinking about it again the other day, and I have come up with a new conclusion: Maybe it’s not that friends aren’t worth the effort to me. Maybe it’s more that I feel like I’M not worth the effort. I feel like I’m unworthy, so I’m sure that’s what everyone else sees, too.
My therapist has tried several times, unsuccessfully, by the way, to get me to talk about WHY I always feel stupid and insecure. She has asked me several times if I think I have any self worth. I haven’t let her go that deep. I’m not ready to face that yet. That’s a huge issue that I am not comfortable delving into. That’s too deep. Too close to home. Too much hurt involved in that conversation.
I have a pretty good idea that I feel less-than and not worth anyone’s time. It’s not something I have fun saying, but I know that it is an attitude I project. When Crazy Jay and I first got married, he was all the time telling me to stop apologizing for things. I would apologize for EVERYTHING. Literally. If something happened that was dissatisfactory, no matter what it was or whether or not I could control it, I would apologize. Jay used to say that if someone said the sky was the wrong color of blue, I would apologize.
I know why I feel unworthy and less-than. I know why I feel like I don’t matter. I have taken care of that issue, though, so hopefully I will be able to slowly grow some feelings of worth. I almost said “regain feelings of worth,” but I don’t know if those are ever feelings that I possessed.
I guess knowing about myself that I may shy away from relationships with people because I feel unworthy and not because I see others as unworthy is going to cause me to rethink having friends. It’s a scary thought for me, though. Putting myself out there. Relying on other people. Being relied on by others. I think I will have to tread lightly. Otherwise I can see myself throwing everything I have into a new friendship only to be disappointed when the other person doesn’t want the relationship as intensely as I do.