Monthly Archives: November 2012

More Trash and Bullsh*t


Since I made the decision to cut off contact with my birth family, I have heard from my mother several times.  She’s a sneaky one, though.  She knew that if she approached me straight up, she’d be ignored.  She sent me a card in the mail at the end of October.  She used my father’s return address label, though.  That way she could trick me into thinking that my father actually cared and was reaching out to me.  She knew I would open the envelope if I saw it was from him, just as she knew I would throw it away if I saw it was from her.  I had Jay read the card so I wouldn’t have to, and then tell me if I should read it.  He told me not to, so I threw it away.  Then, I realized that the handwriting on the envelope belonged to my mother.  I pulled the card out of the trash and read it.  Bullshit.

A couple weeks later, I received an email from my father.  At least, I thought it was from my father.  It was in my trash folder because I set it so that all emails from my birth family will be rerouted to where they belong – THE TRASH.  I opened the email, foolishly thinking it was from my father.  It was his email address, after all.  The email was some more bullshit.  “We miss you.  The cats are doing well.  Hope to hear from you soon.”  I am 100% certain that my birth family has been reading my blog since sometime in September, about the time I decided to cut them off.  Shortly after I posted about being done with all their bullshit, I received a text message from my sister, and an email from my mother, my father, and my sister.  All of them acted like they didn’t know what was going on.  Talk about invalidating.  I KNOW that they are aware of what’s going on, but they want to play dumb and hope I will not say anything.  Nope.  Not this time.  Not again.

I ignored that email from my mother.  A week or so later, I received another one from my father’s email account that was once again from my mother.  See how sneaky she is?  She thinks she can wheedle her way in by pretending to be something she’s not.  A wolf in sheep’s clothing.  A manipulative bitch dressed as a stuffed alligator.   This email said that the entire family was just oh-so worried about me.  Really?  That’s odd.  I haven’t heard from anyone but her.  If the whole family is worried, why haven’t they contacted me?  Because they really AREN’T worried.  The only reason my mother is insisting on reaching out to me now is because she knows I’ve slipped through her grasp.  She can’t sleep soundly unless she has all her children under her thumb.  And her husband.  And her extended family.  And her friends.  And her cats.  And the workers at McDonald’s.  And the bugs that crawl on the floor.  Do you get yet that she can’t stand to have anyone out of her control?  Good, then I can move on.

I ignored that email from my mother, too.  Again, I KNOW that she is clued in to what has been going on with me.  She knows how I feel about her.  How I feel about the whole lot of them.  She wants to continue playing games and act like she hasn’t a clue what’s happening.  There was a brief moment after that last email where I wondered if maybe she really DIDN’T know what was going on.  Then I read her email.  Several times.  Very very carefully.  I can’t remember what the exact wording was that reinforced the fact that she knew I had cut off contact, but when I saw it, I knew it was best not to respond.  She knows I said I would not contact them again.  So what does she do?  Try to poke and prod me to reach out to her after all.  She is the queen of manipulation.  I know her game.  I decided against giving her the benefit of the doubt.  I have been burned before by taking her at face value and thinking there isn’t a hidden agenda.

On Thanksgiving night, after Jay and I had stopped in Kentucky to spend the night, I found yet another email from my “father” waiting in the trash folder.  More about her being worried.  Wanting to know if she has done anything to make me mad (that part made me laugh).  Then she commented that I must have spent Thanksgiving with a certain “friend”.  The “friend” that rejected me when I needed her most.  The “friend” I have not had contact with since this summer.  The “friend” that my mother calls from time to time (read every week or two) to get information about me.  I KNOW that my mother has been in contact with this person.  Anytime I haven’t responded to my mother’s emails or Facebook messages, she reaches out to this person.  I guess her thought is that if I’m not going to share my life willingly, she will force details out of someone else.  She’s really good at that, but that is another story.

Jay and I talked about it after I received the email on Thanksgiving.  He told me that he thought I should email her and officially inform her of my decision to never have contact with her again.  I was against the idea for several reasons.  After thinking about it for a few days, I decided to just go ahead and email her.  I didn’t have her email address, so I sent it to my father.  I know she has access to that account.  My email was as follows:

This is in response to your most recent email.  For various reasons I was under the impression that you were aware of the situation.  I still believe you know the decision I have made, but I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and officially inform you.

I am through with the negativity and lack of attention I receive from all of you.  I was emailing you all throughout the summer, and never heard back in a timely manner.  In 2010 I told you all that I needed a break and couldn’t take the constant criticism that you spread and your manipulative nature.  I sent back the phone that you purchased, deleted my Facebook account, and changed my email address.  After eight months or so I mistakenly re-established contact.  Since then I have tried contacting all you of numerous times, through Facebook and email.  Occasionally I received a response within a week or so.  More often, though, I found that I was waiting up to TWO MONTHS for a response to emails, and usually I received NO RESPONSE to my Facebook messages.  I know that everyone is busy, but I’m pretty sure you don’t let important emails get cast to the side.  This has caused me a lot of pain and a feeling of being rejected by my own family.  I have decided to cut ALL negative influences from my life.  I do not wish to hear from ANY of you.  This is not up for debate or discussion.  I am not sending this email to give you a chance to respond and “make things right”.  There have been numerous opportunities for that to happen, and it always ends the same way:  with excuses, explanations, and denials from all of you, and me feeling wrong, stupid, invalidated and unimportant.  I am done with all of this and refuse to go through life anymore with a family that makes me feel like I’m less than shit.

Since I made this decision, I have been much happier and more positive.  I realized that I have had a lot of negative people in my life dragging me down, and changes have been made.

Let me again say that this is not a discussion.  My decision has been made, and I am not relenting.  Please do not contact me again.

 

I thought that would be the end of it.  No, that’s not true.  I had HOPED that would be the end of it.  I know my mother, though, and I knew she wouldn’t be able to just sit quietly and give me the space I demanded.  I received an email from my mother this morning.  It actually came from her account this time.  Surprise, surprise.  Her email address DOES work!  Her response (that I specifically told her I did NOT want) is below:

Hi Meagan…Dad forwarded your email to me. I’m really sorry I didn’t always get back to you as quickly as you wanted. I know there were times that I didn’t quickly  respond to an email. I get 100 emails per day and it’s really easy for one to slip my notice. I find an email from someone days or a week or two later when I’m cleaning out the inbox. I’m sorry; it’s just the way it is. I tell my friends that email isn’t the best way to reach me quickly; they should text or call my cell. I respond to those pretty fast. I used to be better about facebook, but I only spend a couple minutes on there each day. And fb changed how they do things, so I never get a notice that someone posted to my wall. Unless I go back and read my own post, I miss the comments.

I’m very very sorry. I have never meant to hurt your or neglect you. I think about you pretty much every day and pray for you very frequently. I don’t know what negativity you mean, as I have tried very hard to only make positive comments and questions since you decided to talk with us again. I am very very sorry…It has never been my intent to hurt you and I apologize that you were hurt.

I hope at some point you will be willing to see or talk to us again. I love you very much. Mom

Once again, an incredibly invalidating response.  Of COURSE she can’t get back to me in a timely manner.  She is so important and gets 100 emails a day!  How can she be expected to see an email from her daughter (that she hasn’t laid eyes on in over three years, by the way) amidst all the others?  I’m pretty sure my brother who lives in Massachusetts (closer to Virginia than Arkansas) gets timely replies.  And then, in true form, she acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about.  “I have never meant to hurt you or neglect you.”  BULLSHIT  “I don’t know what negativity you mean…”  BULLSHIT  “It has never been my intent to hurt you…”  BULLSHIT

If she’s so concerned, if she feels so badly, if she never meant to hurt me, why haven’t we ever been able to resolve this?  I have gone to her countless times over more than a decade, aching for a good relationship with my mother, hoping things will get better.  And if not a “good” relationship, at least one that wasn’t so toxic.  My therapist kept asking me before I left Little Rock what would need to happen for there to be reconciliation between my mother and myself.  I told her that my mother would need to change into a different person.  I finally understand that, no matter how much I want her to be different, my mother will continue to hurt and manipulate me, then feign ignorance when confronted.  That’s ok.  All the negative people are gone from my life.  I just moved out of the negative town of Little Rock.  I have shed all the things in life that have been bringing me down.  Now I just need to surround myself even more with things that make me happy.  I need to continue to build positive experiences.  Tonight Jay and I are going to walk around the scenic downtown area.  I am going to replace all the negative with good.  I have my fambly, a good job, and a place to live in a beautiful town where I can see snow.  I don’t need anything else.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness, Personal, Relationships | Tags: , , | 27 Comments

I’m in West Virginia!


I haven’t had a chance to post in a bit.  Getting ready to move and then spending over 16 hours in the car travelling has really taken it’s toll.  I was exhausted when we finally got to West Virginia on Friday afternoon.  I have a few things to post about, but it will probably take me a day or two to get around to it.  I know that I have definitely missed writing!  It’s the only therapy I have at the moment.  A lot has happened with my birth family over the past week.  I know I said that I was done talking about all that family stuff, but I think one more post about it is necessary.  Hopefully I’ll get it written this afternoon or tomorrow.  I hope everyone had a nice, relaxing Thanksgiving!

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Illness | 1 Comment

Making You SMILE with More P!nk


I love “Raise Your Glass” by P!nk.  This is a song for all the “underdogs” and “dirty little freaks”.  Plus, it has a great beat and makes me want bop around.  (I don’t dance…bopping is the best I can do.)

 

This is one off her new album.  It’s called “How Come You’re Not Here”.  I love the sound and overall tone of this song.  I hope she makes a music video for it soon!

 

This is an older one, but it makes me smile each time I hear it.  It’s a little suggestive, but I love the beat!  Another one without a video.  Still good, though!

 

There are BUNCHES more I could include, but I suppose I should stop here.  It may be a good thing for me to actually work today.  We’ll see.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Mental Illness, Music | Tags: , , , | 4 Comments

Clear Boundaries Are My New Best Friend


I have recently learned that I feel comfortable with rules and structure because they lay out the guidelines for how I’m supposed to act.  They show me what is expected of me.

Two things happened last week that ended with me in total meltdown mode that led me to this conclusion.  The first was when I got home from work, and Jay and I were discussing what time we would leave for Walmart.  I always want to leave RIGHT AWAY when I get home if I have errands to run, but Jay likes to sit and talk with me before we run all over Little Rock.  We agreed on that particular night to leave the house at 6:40pm to run our many errands.  By 6:42pm I was close to hyperventilating, wondering why the hell we weren’t in the Blazer, on our way to Walmart.  I don’t really remember what all happened, but it ended with me asking Jay why we hadn’t left on time, and him getting upset because I was bitching at him to leave.  He said that something had come up that required more time, and he was upset that I wasn’t more flexible.  I was upset that he didn’t stick with our agreed upon time.  If I have a time that I am looking towards, it helps me to stay calm and not get anxious or overly excited about leaving.  It also helps because I KNOW what will be happening when.  I don’t do very well with change.

The other thing that happened was that Jay said he wanted to listen to two songs before we started a certain TV show that we watch.  Jay listened to his first song.  As he was looking for his second, a song came on that he has said reminds him of me.  Of us.  When it came on, Jay said, “Well, this wasn’t what I was looking for, but it will work.”  I pointed out that he had said “two songs”, and that if he listened to the one that reminded him of us, that would mean he couldn’t listen to the one he was looking for.  Now, I know how this sounds.  I was not trying to be a rigid bitch.  I was not trying to nit-pick or cause problems.  I was just under the impression that we had set certain boundaries (Two songs.  No more.  No less.), and I was trying to follow them.  After I got snapped at for being insensitive, I burst into tears, and told Jay that I was just trying to follow the plan we had agreed on.  I told him that if we make a plan or an agreement and then it doesn’t get followed, how will I know what I’m supposed to do?  How will I know how to act?

I realized immediately that I had learned something new about myself.  I always knew that I was unsettled when plans were changed suddenly, or when something was agreed to and that agreement was not kept.  I NEED those rules and guidelines.  I NEED the structure.  I NEED the agreements.  Without those things I would have no idea how I was supposed to act in those certain situations.  Knowing how to properly act is something that I struggle with anyway, but when I THINK I know the rules and then find out they’ve been changed, I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me and I land flat on my ass and get the wind knocked out of me.  It seems like right as I have a handle on the situation, I am told that what I thought was all wrong, and then I need to change my way of thinking yet again.

I am having a hard time when things change.  Jay knows this about me, and has been doing the best he can to give me notice when he knows something is going to be different than what I originally thought.  I think next time an agreement is reached, but it is unable to be kept by the other party for whatever reason, I should take some time to do mindfulness exercises.  Maybe focus on my breathing or counting my breaths.  I have found this has helped me to calm down significantly in the past.  I had my final DBT group last Tuesday, but I hope that doesn’t mean that I won’t continue to use my skills.  They have proved to be very beneficial to me, and I really want to continue with them, no matter what I’m struggling with on a daily basis.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Mental Illness, Relationships | Tags: , | 3 Comments

And Now For the TRUTH


It has come to my attention that I may spend too much time writing about how well I’m doing, and not enough time talking about the issues I continue to struggle with, making people think that I am this wonderful, amazing person who does no wrong and has turned into the “DBT Queen”.  I don’t want to give people the wrong impression of me.  I had thought that I would focus on my improvement and how much better I am doing rather than whining about the issues I continue to have, but obviously I am making people think that I believe I am far better off than I actually am.  I considered just shutting down my blog when I heard that comment as I don’t want to make people think I’m something or someone I’m not, but this has been very therapeutic for me, so I figured I would just open myself up and spill out all the ways I’m still fucking up.  After all, I know that I’m not perfect, and I wouldn’t want to give the perception that the opposite is true.

I still have a hard time controlling my anger.  The slightest things will set me off and make me want to break something.  I haven’t broken anything or put a hole in the wall recently, but the intense anger is still there, waiting to wreck havoc.

I still hurt my husband on a daily basis.  More like hourly basis.  More like every minute or two.  I have stopped saying and doing things for the sole purpose of hurting him, but since I have a hard time controlling my impulses (like shooting off my mouth when I’m angry or hurt), things still slip out unintentionally.  There are also times that I think and think and think about what I say before I say it, but it still comes out wildly inappropriate.  I am learning that not all things that go through my head are acceptable to pass through my mouth.

I have a hard time controlling my tone of voice.  I can say the nicest, sweetest thing, but I’ve learned that if I’m not FEELING nice and sweet, the words can come out rather acerbic.  I think that this area may be my biggest downfall.  For whatever reason, I cannot make myself ACT nice and kind if I’m feeling angry or frustrated.  My feelings leak out of my every word, and I HATE it.

I also have an immensely hard time controlling the looks that cross my face.  Jay can say something to me that I don’t like, and, even if I can control WHAT I say and HOW I say it, there may be an ugly, nasty look that appears on my face.  Jay notices it every time.  I feel like being able to swallow what I WANT to say, and only have a discontented look on my face is a HUGE improvement, but I am aware that looks can still hurt feelings.

I have cut since I told myself that I had stopped for good.  I’m trying to be kind to myself this time, though, and take care of it as I should.  I am also trying to give myself a break by telling myself that one cut in seven or eight weeks is pretty damn good considering where I was two months ago.  I have also struggled with thoughts of hurting myself in these past two months, but that was the only time I gave in.

I still have a rather negative attitude on things.  My fallback for anything is to react negatively, or see the worst in that situation.  I may be critical and ask a lot of questions that are focused on the worst possible thing happening.  I have to remind myself to take a breath and focus on the good things that may happen.  I have to refocus my mind on the positive.

I continue to let my anxiety get the best of me.  If I’m worried or stressed about something, all I will do is nit-pick about everything and worry about everything.  I feel there are so many things I can’t control that make me anxious that I really clamp down on the things I CAN control, making life unbearable for those around me.

I’m sure there are more bad behaviors that I continue to exhibit.  Things ARE getting better, though.  I know that it takes a long time to reverse the behaviors that have been ingrained in me my entire life.  I am trying to not focus on all the wrong things I continue to do, but instead focus on the things I’ve improved upon and the things that I am doing right.  I know I will continue to do the wrong things and be hurtful.  My hope is just that, over time, this will happen less and less.  I cannot change overnight, as much as I may want to.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Daily Life, DBT, Health, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | 8 Comments

The Story of Lil’ Deb


This is the story of a girl named Lil’ Deb.  Lil’ Deb was popular with the other little girls her age.  Upon first meeting her they thought she was friendly, knowledgeable, and adorably scatterbrained. As the other little girls got to know Lil’ Deb, they discovered that her friendly concern masked her nosiness and controlling nature. Upon meeting Lil’ Deb, it would appear that she was potential best friend material. It was soon uncovered that she asked questions about people’s lives not because she was a kind, caring person.  Lil’ Deb asked questions in order to learn the truth about her prey and twist the information to use against the other person. She would then use the facts of the person’s life that she charmed out of them as a tool to cut and reshape. She would ridicule the person for the things they said, did, and believed. She would make the other person feel so badly about themselves that they would change who they were just to get “sweet” Lil’ Deb to remove her claws. As soon as Lil’ Deb’s victim new friend stopped whatever it was that Lil’ Deb wanted them to change, Lil’ Deb would remove her claws, back off, and go back to being the sweet little girl she was upon first introduction.

Lil’ Deb’s victims friends would try to ignore the nasty Lil’ Deb that would make appearances. It became difficult when the reality behind Lil’ Deb’s “knowledge” was exposed. Lil’ Deb would use her knowledge as another means of controlling her victims friends. She would share the knowledge she had, and then crush the other person with that knowledge. She would bury them with useless information. It was soon learned that Lil’ Deb shared this knowledge to try and subtly manipulate her victims friends into doing what she wanted.  She would list reasons why they should change their lives and make decisions based on what Lil’ Deb wanted, and then make life so unbearable for her victims friends that they had no choice but to give in to her requests.

As people got to know Lil’ Deb, her adorable scatterbrained ways and forgetfulness did not seem quite so adorable.  Especially when she would fly into fits of rage at not being able to find her favorite lace doily come tea time.  She began screaming at her stuffed animals, demanding they help her find that lace doily.  She didn’t care that she was the one who didn’t put it back in the drawer after her last tea time; she expected her stuffed animals to drop everything and find it for her.  She would stomp around her bedroom, angry and frustrated till the doily was found.  As she happily skipped off to tea time with her victims friends, she left her stuffed animals behind, scared and shaking from the intensity they saw Lil’ Deb exhibit over something as small as not being able to locate a doily.

Eventually, Lil’ Deb’s victims friends became tired of being her victims.  They decided to stand up for themselves.  They told Lil’ Deb that her behavior was not acceptable, and they would not tolerate it anymore.  Lil’ Deb looked astonished and said she didn’t know what they were talking about.  She hadn’t done anything wrong.  The brave little children detailed her manipulative and controlling ways.  They told her how she always put them down and made them feel badly about themselves.  How she would pick and pick and pick until they finally changed what she found undesirable, only to then be told they still were not acceptable.  Lil’ Deb realized she could no longer play dumb and pretend she didn’t know her behavior was wrong.  She changed tactics.  Lil’ Deb started to defend her actions and explain why they were ok.

Lil’s Deb’s victims-no-more were astonished.  How could Lil’ Deb first deny that she did anything wrong, and then start to defend the horrible things she’s done?  She may not have killed or physically harmed anyone, but she left her victims-no-more devastated, invalidated, and feeling badly about themselves.  Her victims-no-more decided that Lil’ Deb was too toxic an influence on their lives, so they decided they would have nothing more to do with her.  They turned their backs and walked away as she stood staring after them, wondering how to get them back.

She decided to enlist the help of her stuffed animals to turn her victims-no-more back into victims her friends.  She went to her favorite pink unicorn with the glittery horn and long flowing hair.  She told her unicorn to go find her victims-no-more and to find out what she would need to do to turn them back into victims friends.

The stuffed unicorn came back and said that Lil’ Deb’s victims-no-more were unmoved, and not willing to give Lil’ Deb another chance.  The unicorn explained to Lil’ Deb that her victims-no-more had seen her true nature and knew that she was unwilling to change and did not  care about the sufferings of others.

Lil’ Deb sent a few other stuffed animals to talk to her victims-no-more, but the green giraffe and the blue polka dotted elephant told her the same thing the unicorn had told her.  Her true nature was exposed and her victims-no-more refused to be brought down by her.

Lil’ Deb decided that she needed to talk to her victims-no-more herself.  Obviously her stuffed animals were incompetent and would not know how to best bring her victims-no-more back and turn them into victims friends.  She knew, however, that her victims-no-more would not speak to her directly.  She wasn’t worried.  She knew she would think of a plan.  She was a crafty little girl, after all.

Lil’ Deb’s solution came to her one night while she was lying in bed, counting sheep so she could go to sleep (How else would she be able to sleep at night after what she’d done to people?).   Since her stuffed animals couldn’t get the job done, and no one would speak to her, Lil’ Deb was going to dress up like a stuffed animal.  That way, when she presented her argument, her victims-no-more would not realize it was her, but would still hear her words and be swayed.  She reasoned this would work because her victims-no-more were pretty stupid and gullible.  She’s been able to manipulate and trick them before.  She didn’t think there would be any challenge this time.

Lil’ Deb pulled up her plush alligator suit and zipped it up, concealing her true form and making her look like just another stuffed animal.  She made her way to the playground where her victims-no-more were playing.  She started getting close to them, and called out a greeting.  Immediately her victims-no-more knew it was her.  They knew it was Lil’ Deb in disguise.  She may have thought she was being cute and cunning, but her victims-no-more saw right through her ruse to pretend to be someone else to get them to talk to her.

This additional manipulation infuriated Lil’ Deb’s victims-no-more.  They considered picking up rocks and sticks and running her off.  Scaring her and hurting her so that she would never approach them again.  They decided that was too much effort, and Lil’ Deb just wasn’t worth it.  Instead, they packed up their toys and left the playground.  Lil’ Deb kept calling after them, but they didn’t even look back.  She couldn’t touch them anymore.  Her victims-no-more found another playground that Lil’ Deb didn’t know about and spent many a happy afternoon playing in the sun, unconcerned about the nasty little girl they used to be victims of friends with.  They were happier and better off once they removed the negative, soul-sucking ways of Lil’ Deb from their lives.

As for Lil’ Deb, she tells herself she was right.  She did no wrong, and those victims-no-more are just trying to be mean.  “They don’t play fair!”  She pouts to her stuffed animals.  Then she gathers her stuffed animals in her arms and pulls them towards her in a suffocating embrace.  “I’m not worried, though.  I have all of you!”  She says that, but in the back of her mind she knows she has been a terrible person and is responsible for the pain of her victims-no-more.  She will think about the hurt and damage she has caused them for the rest of her life.  However, Lil’ Deb’s victims-no-more will not think of her again.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Mental Illness, Relationships, Thoughts | Tags: | 3 Comments

Personal Me vs Professional Me


I was talking with my therapist last week about my worth as a person.  I still struggle with viewing myself as important, worthwhile, or meaningful.  Or in pretty much positive in any way.

This is getting better, though.  With things going so well with my work, I am feeling more positive about things.  I was telling my therapist that the company I am going to in West Virginia is very eager to have me.  I told her that the people I work with in Little Rock are always telling me what a great job I do, and how helpful I am.  My boss takes me to lunch at least once a week, sometimes more.

My therapist asked me if this helped me to see my worth, and I explained to her that I saw my professional worth, but that I still had a hard time seeing my worth as a person outside of my work.  She told me that the people I work with obviously like me.  She said they want to spend time with me, they compliment me, and they talk to me about non-work related matters.  I told her that I didn’t see it that way.  I see that they like my WORK and they like how I perform, so they compliment me to keep me happy.  I said that the people in West Virginia only wanted me because I work hard and would be productive for them.  Then I mentioned that, when they talk about non-work things with me, it isn’t to ask about ME, it’s so they can talk about THEM.  I am just a good listener.  Quiet, meek, eager to agree.  That’s how I am at work, anyway.  I act a little differently in interpersonal relationships.

It was then pointed out to me that lunch times are not required.  My boss does not have to take me to lunch.  I guess not.  I guess she’s right, maybe they do like me.  I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around that, though.  I don’t see myself as likeable.  I don’t see myself as a person others would want to spend time with unless they had to or were getting something from me.

It is always a shock to my system when I hear something positive about myself.  It makes me very uncomfortable and I want to sink into the floor.  I never know how to respond.  I always think the other person is blowing smoke up my ass so they can get something from me.  I wasn’t raised in a household that was free with the compliments, so I just don’t know how to take them.  In order to take the compliments at work, I have to completely separate my personal self from my professional self.  They do not like me personally, they like the work I do professionally.

My therapist was trying to show me the error in my thinking.  I’m pretty sure that, more than likely, I am probably wrong about how I see myself (Wow, I sure couldn’t make that a declarative statement LMCAO).  It’s how I see myself, though, and I am finding it incredibly difficult to see myself in a different light.  I just cannot see the positives in myself.  Not yet.  I’m getting there, though.  At least now I am able to see that I have SOME worth, even if I believe I have worth solely because of how I handle myself professionally.  It’s a start.  Sorry if this post sounded exceptionally whiny…I just had to get it out.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, DBT, Mental Illness, Thoughts, Work | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Do Not Judge Your Judging


I attended my last DBT group in Little Rock on Tuesday.  We talked about observing through mindfulness, but observing without judgment.  This is especially hard to master for someone with BPD.  It also doesn’t help that our society is so focused on judging others.  Not just judging in a negative way, but in a positive way, too.  Telling someone they are pretty is a judgement.  It’s a good judgment, but it’s still a judgment.  Basically, the goal of the DBT exercise was to observe something by only the facts, and to not place any value on the facts.

My doctor put the therapist who was leading the group in the hot seat.  The doctor asked us to make statements about the therapist, but to do so without judgment.  One comment was that the therapist looked tired.  The doctor stopped us, and made us describe exactly WHAT about her looked tired.  Just saying someone looked tired was a judgment.  One doesn’t know if she is tired or not.  What we are reacting to is what we see on her face and in her body language that tells us she is tired.  Her droopy eyes, the dark circles, her slouched shoulders.

The next comment was that she is pretty.  The doctor told us that was a judgment, and asked us to describe the ways that she is pretty.  Her symmetrical features, her long hair, her matching clothes.

This was a very enlightening exercise.  It made me realize how hard it is not to judge people, events, my thoughts, my feelings, and everything else in this world.  I have a hard time not judging myself.  I have a hard time not judging others.  I know that negative judgments are just going to lead me to have more and more negative thoughts, which is something I have been trying to stop.

The first step is to NOTICE your judgments.  Notice when you have placed value on a thought or situation.  When you find yourself judging, don’t then beat yourself up for doing so.  Do not judge your judging.

I think that the more I notice my judging, the more I will be able to control it.  The more I control it, the less negative I will be.  My goal is to live a happy, healthy, productive life.  I think DBT has helped me get back on the right track.  I know I will miss my Little Rock group.  I hope in time I will be able to find that same support in Wild Wonderful West Virginia.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Mental Illness, Therapy | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

P!nk – The Great Escape


I thought it was time to post another P!nk song.  I have been listening to this one for the past few months, but have only recently begun to appreciate it.  I especially like the line, “the passion and the pain are gonna keep you alive someday.”

 

I can understand how when the edges are rough
And they cut you like the tiniest slithers of glass
And you feel too much
And you don’t know how long you’re gonna last,

But everyone you know, is tryin’ smooth it over,
Find a way to make the hurt go away,
But everyone you know, is tryin’ smooth it over,
Like you’re trying to scream underwater,
But, I won’t let you make the great escape,
I’m never gonna watch you checkin out of this place
I’m not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
Gonna keep you alive someday

I feel like I could wave my fist in front of your face
And you wouldn’t flinch or even feel a thing
And you’ve retreated to your silent corner
Like you decided the fight was over for ya,

Everyone you know, is tryin’ smooth it over,
Find a way to make the hurt go away,
Everyone you know, is tryin’ smooth it over,
Everyone needs a floor they can fall through
I won’t let you make the great escape,
I’m never gonna watch you checkin outta this place
I’m not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
They’re gonna keep you alive someday

I’m terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me
And I don’t need a pill to make me numb
And I wrote the book on runnin’,
But that chapter of my life will soon be done

I’m the king of the great escape
You’re not gonna watch me checkin outta this place
You’re not gonna lose me
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep us alive, someday
Yeah the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep us alive someday, someday

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Mental Illness, Music | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Deuces to Little Rock!


Well, it’s official:  We will be leaving Little Rock on Thanksgiving to begin our journey to Wild Wonderful West Virginia.  I was thinking on the drive home from work yesterday, and I realized, much to my surprise, that there were some things I was going to miss about Little Rock.  Not many things.  I doubt I can churn out a list of 20 things I will miss, like the list of things I won’t miss, but I’ll give it try.

1)        Liquor stores on literally every corner:  I love that you don’t have to drive too far here to find a liquor store.  Not only are there liquor stores everywhere, but they are DRIVE THROUGH!!  I love that!  I had never experienced drive through liquor stores before.  If they are not in West Virginia, I know I will definitely miss them.  I may cry myself to sleep over the loss of those lovely drive through liquor stores.

2)       The straight roads:  Jay and I have finally been able to start taking drives again.  We drove around Virginia all the time when we first got married.  The roads in Virginia are curvy and steep.  They can be hard to manage if you aren’t used to them.  I am so happy that the roads in Arkansas are fairly straight.  Now I don’t have to worry about focusing so much on steering through a sharp turn or curvy road, and I can see more of the beautiful scenery.

3)       The lack of wildlife:  Little Rock may have bugs galore, but they don’t have a lot of animals wandering the roads.  Well, expect for the stray dogs.  I was talking more about deer, though.  In Virginia (and I’m sure it will be the same in West Virginia) I had to be constantly on guard for deer.  I remember driving through the woods with high levels of anxiety, waiting for deer to jump in front of my vehicle.  In Little Rock, even though you often drive through the woods or what appears to be the middle of nowhere, deer are not a big concern.  I think I have seen two deer in the three years I’ve been here.  There also aren’t cows all over the place.  One would hear about car accidents involving cows from time to time in Virginia.  Not a problem in Little Rock.  In fact, I have only seen one herd of cows since I’ve been here, and that was last weekend.

4)       The lousy work ethic:  I have to say, working for a series of bosses who are used to the poor attitude of employees has really been a plus for me.  I’m usually a very good employee.  I come in on time or early, I stay late if need be, and when at work, I actually WORK.  I have been given a lot of freedom while working various positions in Little Rock.  A supervisor I had here said that he couldn’t expect people to show up for work, come in on time, or be productive while there because the pay was so low.  Great!  I would take long breaks there to run personal errands.  If I wanted to sleep a little later, I wasn’t worried about showing up to work late.  I went in hung over many a time.  Yeah, I think I’m going to miss the overall lazy attitude of the employees here.  It made me look good!

5)       The lack of police coverage:  For a place that ranks significantly higher than the national average for violent crimes, there are a surprisingly low number of police officers roaming the town.  Occasionally I’ll see a state trooper on the highway, but the local boys rarely come out.  I guess you can’t blame them with all the Shipley’s Donuts in Little Rock.  I don’t mind, though.  Not at all.

6)       The loose vehicle and driving laws:  Not only is a car inspection NOT required in Arkansas, the cops down here (at least in Little Rock) don’t care too much about enforcing the vehicle laws they DO have.  Jay and I drove around for FOUR MONTHS on dead Virginia license plates when we first moved to Arkansas.  The cops didn’t care about our vehicle being in accordance with Arkansas state law, so we didn’t, either.  Also, the cops pretty much let you do whatever you want as far as driving.  People here park on the wrong side of the street facing the wrong direction.  They will be driving down the road, on the right as they should, and decide to pull over on the LEFT, facing oncoming traffic.  They also park under “No Parking Anytime” signs.  I’ve seen people go so far as to pull up and drive a little on the sidewalk if they don’t like how slowly traffic is moving.  Not to mention they are all the time cutting people off, running red lights, and just generally driving a like maniacs.  I’m assuming it’s all acceptable because we are in backwards Arkansas.  I’ll have a hard time adjusting to hard and fast REAL laws in West Virginia.

7)       All the overweight people:  I know this may seem like a weird thing to miss, but I haven’t been too concerned about losing weight because most of the people in Little Rock who are not hooked on crack or meth are AT LEAST my size.  I don’t have to walk into any given situation and immediately feel like “the fat person” in the room.  There will be at least five others bigger than me!  I know this is not a healthy attitude to have, and of course I should want to be a healthy weight so I don’t die of some related disease.  It just helps my self-esteem a little, in a crazy, completely fucked up way.

8)       All the poor people:  LMCAO (laughing my CRAZY ass off, for those who have forgotten)  I know this is another weird thing to miss, but it was nice being around people who understood my financial situation.  In Virginia, I always felt badly because I couldn’t do things that other people asked me to do.  I probably wouldn’t have wanted to all the time anyway, but it really sucked to have to say no because I had no money.  In Little Rock, there are other people counting pennies for gas.  There are other people who go through the U-Scan at the grocery store so they won’t feel badly about taking their last $3.06 off their debit card.  There are other people who have to sell their blood two times a week in order to eat or feed their dog.

 

Well, that’s it, I suppose.  I really thought I could come up with AT LEAST ten.  Oh well.  Just like I have dumped people from my life for being mainly negative, I have been wanting to dump Little Rock for the same reason.  Now I have that chance.  On Thursday, November 22nd, I will be saying “Deuces!” to Little Rock as I watch it disappear in my rearview mirror.  Naw, I won’t really be watching.  I’ll be looking onward towards West Virginia.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Daily Life, Mental Illness, Thoughts, Travel | Tags: , , , | 5 Comments

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