Over the weekend Jay and I were walking through our newly found favorite park. While walking I had the thought “I’m so glad to be leaving Little Rock. There’s been nothing but bad memories.” This statement is just not true. There have been a lot of good memories in Little Rock. A lot more than when we lived in Virginia. I guess what I was thinking was about all the things that have happened in the last six months to a year, which covers the time that my mind slowly descended into the depths of pure craziness. Then I was trying to think about when EXACTLY I started slipping into this intensely negative and emotional period of time. Each time I thought I had pin pointed the date, I realized it extended even further back than I thought.
The time I originally thought my craziness started was sometime around the beginning of this year. I started feeling very depressed and anxious. When I spoke to my then doctor about it, she kept pushing me to go back on an SSRI antidepressant. I told her several times that SSRI’s have made me feel worse each time I take them. Finally, after pushing me to take SSRI’s for several months, I gave in. I was only able to take them for three weeks before my condition worsened. I became even MORE depressed and started cutting myself again. I’m pretty sure that episode would have ended in suicide if not for DBT and other changes I have made.
But it goes back further than that.
Next thought was the winter through fall of 2011. During this time I was really not myself. I was convinced that Jay and I were not going to last, and I was considering divorce. I was also doing a lot of flirting at my work, which was very out of character for me. By the way, during this time I was taking antidepressants. The same exact pill as what my doctor pushed on me about six to eight months later.
But it goes back further than that.
The next time period started in the winter of 2010. This was during the time that I thought I was a psychopath. I was actively pushing Jay away (who was nursing his own wounds due to employment issues while in Virginia just several months earlier). I was writing up ways to kill him. I was writing down plans to drive to Virginia and kill my birth family. Very detailed plans. I was considering poisoning the coffee at work, just to see what would happen. Could this have been the start of my obvious mental issues?
But it goes back further than that
Shortly after arriving in Little Rock at the end of October in 2009, I ended up in the behavioral unit of the hospital. I had gone on a job interview and was certain I would be offered the position. I was crushed when it didn’t happen, and quickly spiraled into a suicidal depression. I had to be hospitalized.
Basically, I have been messed up in the head AT LEAST since moving to Little Rock. I know that it goes back even further than that, though. I was hospitalized twice before leaving Virginia. I started to fall apart and eventually lost the job I had held for two and a half years. Of course, I know now that if I hadn’t lost my job, I probably would still be in Virginia near my birth family, which is the worst place for me to be. I’m not exactly sure when the decline started while working at the job I eventually lost. I started drinking heavily. I started missing work because I was drinking. I started going into work hung over, which was really bad since I worked with food. I even left on break once, threw up all over myself (twice) and went home to change. When I got home I realized I was too hung over to go back in, so I told them I wasn’t going back in that day. I’ve done some thinking, and I have come to the conclusion that working where I did was causing me to drink heavily. I was facing tremendous pressure while working there. I was an assistant manager, but every time there was a problem, I was blamed. Even if I wasn’t working at the time. Even if the store manager was working on my shift. I basically became the scapegoat. I also was not very well liked, and everyone made it known to me. I remember getting crap once from a co-worker (she was below me in authority). I don’t remember what it was about specifically, but the store manager was there when it happened. She commented that I let the other woman speak to me like a dog. I’m sure I did. I had learned by then to take the abuse that was dished out. While working at that place I started cutting again. I ended up in therapy and heavily medicated. I also locked my keys in the car with my car engine on and in reverse and ended up spending a night in jail, but that’s a whole other story.
The above job began in the spring of 2007. I thought that maybe the stress and bullying I endured during this position are what started to lead me downhill. Not quite the case.
I held a position in a real estate office for roughly one year. It was an administrative position. While working there I was subject to lewd jokes and gestures towards me, constant staring down my top (the males liked to stand behind my chair and look down my blouse), and straight up sexual harassment. One piece of shit church deacon realtor was constantly making inappropriate comments, first just about how he liked what I was wearing. Then it turned into him saying he came to the office to see me. It ended with him blocking my exit from a closet and telling me how much he would love to be locked in a closet with me. Crazy Jay had a talk with that guy. I ended up getting fired while the
piece of shit church deacon realtor faced no punishment. While working there, though, as I had to constantly swallow the sexual crap that was heaped on me, I was again cutting. This was really the first time in my life I cut. I had engaged in self-harm in the past, but I hadn’t yet made the first cut. I also threatened suicide while working there, which led to Jay having the cops pick me up and transport me to the ER. I was able to talk the nurse out of keeping me over night.
It goes back even further still.
I was messed up emotionally when Jay and I met and married in 2003. I was messed up emotionally while in high school. I was messed up emotionally in middle school. I can’t remember much further back than that. I know that while I was in high school I engaged in burning and head banging. I have always suffered from low self-esteem and self-worth. Most of my life I have been shy and petrified to speak to people out of a fear of being wrong or stupid.
I have turned things around, though, and I am doing better. I am slowly working on gaining self-worth. My life is more positive now. I have hope and don’t see the future as a deep, dark hole waiting to swallow me up. I have been messed up in my head for a long time, but now I am working on seeing the world outside of my skewed vision and negative thoughts. With DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) I am learning skills to help me feel better, and to better interact with people I deem worth my time. There are still bumps in the road, and still will be in the future. I am better able to deal with those bumps as they come. I am no longer thrown down in the abyss and stuck there when things don’t quite go the way I think they should. I have been messed up for most of my life, and at least all of my adult life, but I am working on regaining the control. I think it’s working.