Ripping Out Throats Like a Mama Bear


My therapist asked me today where I was regarding my upcoming move.  She wanted to know where I stood on the scale that ranged from being really really super excited to being very unsure and thinking I was doing the wrong thing.  I told her I was very far up on the excited end.  Then she asked if I had any concerns about moving.  Well, there is one.

Jay has PTSD, among other things.  Sometimes in the middle of the night he can really get caught up in a dream.  Then, he wakes himself up and usually continues thinking he is in the dream, to a certain extent.  When he wakes up disoriented, he usually starts yelling.  It may be about one thing initially, but when he gets worked up like that and is loud and yelling, he usually continues yelling about other things.  He may wake up from an intense political dream and start screaming at me for being a “dirty liberal” (I’m a libertarian).  He will talk about how I voted on a certain bill and how I take everything that he says and will twist it to Obama’s benefit (he thinks I’m a congress person, I guess).  None of that is real.  He is immersed in his dream and caught up in what’s happening.  Once he realizes I’m not a liberal hell bent on destroying the values he stands for, he is still amped up and in yelling mode.  The topic will change from how I think Obama walks on water (I don’t, by the way), to what I did wrong during the day.  Or last week.  Or years ago.

Part of PTSD is thinking that things are happening RIGHT NOW, even if it happened years ago.  Jay has intense memories and dreams, and gets caught up in them.  Once he is caught up, it’s hard to bring him down.  I don’t think that’s the PTSD, though maybe it is.  I think that is more his bipolar or BPD, but I don’t know for sure.  Jay gets easily trapped in his memories.  We were watching some show the other day that had a funeral in it.  He became very upset and started crying.  Watching the funeral reminded him of the traumatic deaths of his brother and father, and made him feel like it was happening all over again.

My concern is that, since we will be staying in a hotel for at least the first few weeks, he will become upset during the night about something and start yelling, allowing all the people I work with (it’s a hotel for business travel and long-term corporate housing) to hear some of our issues.  Even if it’s a night where he is not upset at ME, but upset over a DREAM he had, they will still hear yelling.  They will hear him yelling at me, think that he is a dick who is mistreating me, and try to talk me out of being with him.  Believe me, it’s happened before.

Not only was my birth family pushing us to get divorced, I have had a couple employers talk to me about leaving him, and even a “friend” or two.  Professionally and in public I present myself very different than what I feel I actually am.  Professionally I am calm, dependable, productive, and efficient.  I am also very quiet and reserved professionally, and in public in general.  Since I feel I don’t quite know how to act around others, I tend to keep my mouth shut.  I don’t want to do something to embarrass myself.  What people see is that I am this nice, sweet, quiet, vulnerable girl who needs protecting, and that I am married to the Big Bad Wolf.  Believe me, that is so not the case.  Neither side.  I am not sweet and vulnerable and he is not a predator looking to take advantage of me.

I worked as the Office Manager of a real estate office for a little over a year while back in Virginia.  We lived just down an alleyway from the office.  Jay would visit me on occasion, oftentimes bringing me flowers.  One day, after only being there for a couple months, my boss took me aside and asked if Jay was abusive towards me.  I’m sorry, WHAT?  Where did this come from?  I at least acted like my boss was crazy if I didn’t straight up tell him that.  A few months later, the male AND female boss took me into their office and said that if Jay “didn’t get his act together”, I would really need to consider leaving him.  Since when did MY MARRIAGE become the business of my EMPLOYER???

A couple years later, while working as the Assistant Manager at a fast food establishment, I had at least two co-workers telling me I needed to leave him.  They had seen me on the phone with him, and knew it usually ended with me crying.  During that time I also had my AA sponsor ask me if he was the best thing for my recovery.

I had a “friend” ask me several times if it was good for me to stay with my husband.  She said she wondered if he may not change his behavior if I threatened to leave.

At the start of my DBT group, my doctor let it be known a time or two that she thought he was abusive and I needed to “stay safe”.  She wasn’t so bold about it, but I got the gist.  I am also aware that she and Jay had several over-the-phone confrontations.  Mainly Jay confronting her because I desperately needed treatment and she was dragging her feet.  I always got the feeling that she had negative thoughts about him just because he called and raised hell to get me in that DBT group.

A co-worker at my current job lent me a large sum of money.  Then she told me I didn’t have to pay it back.  She made a point, though, to tell me NOT to mention that to Jay.  She said the money was a gift to ME.  Then she said that “there must be something good about Jay since I am with him.”  She has met Jay ONE TIME.

I have learned that I cannot let others see into my relationship with Jay.  They can only see the surface.  No one else understands the dynamic of our relationship.  If I talk about things Jay has said or done, people see me as the victim and him as the monster.  Even if I tell them what a bitch I am.  Even if I talk about the times I have thrown and broken objects, or punched holes in the wall.  I’m afraid that someone I work with will hear him upset in the middle of the night, and then think they have a right to judge our relationship.  No one gets it.  I know that we have issues as a couple, but we have issues apart, too.  We have talked about it, and we both agree that we would be worse off apart than staying together, even though we sometimes experience serious problems.

When my marriage is questioned, I immediately want to rip out the other person’s throat.  How DARE they tell me what to do, and that I am with the wrong person.  Jay and I firmly believe that God has brought us together, and God has kept us together.  It really boils my blood when people try to question that.  Even if they don’t agree that God has anything to do with our marriage, who are they to question it?  They only have gotten a snapshot of our life together.  They don’t know about our past together.  They don’t know the things we have been through and prevailed against.  They have no idea what they are talking about, and it INFURIATES me when people try to comment on my marriage.  I would stack my marriage up against any other, and I’m sure it would be found to be stronger than most.

My therapist gave me some tips for how to handle it if my marriage is questioned again.  She recommended I use GIVE.  When I practiced with her, she said I did a great job staying calm and keeping my tone even.  I laughed and then told her that it would be very different if I was actually confronted again.  In the past I may have let people walk all over me.  Now, I am a different person.  I am more willing to stand up for myself.  I am also more volatile, so WATCH OUT!  Jay is the only person I have left in the world.  You think a mother bear is nasty when her cubs are in danger?  Wait and see what happens if my marriage is called into question again.

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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, DBT, Marriage, Mental Illness, PTSD, Relationships, Travel | Tags: , | 7 Comments

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7 thoughts on “Ripping Out Throats Like a Mama Bear

  1. Hell YEAH, people have it ALL wrong. Backwards even. People think you are so nice and sweet but I know the TRUTH. If only they knew how petrified I am of you, the Reign of Fear you impose, the Daily Beatings I endure. Little do the know that, when I was yelling at your Doctor, I was yelling, “Help me! Help me! Meg does horrible things to me with a cheese grater!” Your doctor said, “Meagan? She’s so sweet and quiet. Why are you making up evil lies about her, you mean, MEAN man? I fucking HATE you!” Now she doesn’t like me.

    People don’t know that I have woken at night to you over me, inches from my face, seething “I’m going to make EVERYBODY hate you” through gritted teeth, then you name off the next person you will viciously turn against me. I can’t BELIEVE you went so far as to get me own Ma to disown me!

    The only reason you let me keep the computer is because you DEMAND I produce a perfectly composed and ornately decorated Shakespearean Love Sonnet for you every day. And I am not talking about the ones in which Shakespeare danced around the established Petrarchan style to show his versatility. I am talking the really GUSHY kind. Today is Sonnet # 57,642 -“To Your Woofers! Those Babies Pump.”

    I think you are violating the Fire Code, though, when you put electronic locks on the doors and only allow me to go outside twice a day to walk your dog.

    Can I use the plate and sit on the couch tonight instead of eating Dad’s own Cheap-as-crap Dog Food from a bowl on the floor and sleeping on a stain house-training pad?

    For anyone paying attention, there’s a Secret HIDDEN message in this response. PLEASE decode it to ascertain my wherabouts and send HELP. HERE is the Secret Decoder Key: Take every 4th character of each odd line and write them down. Now cascade the letters outwards alternating to the left and to the right until every letter has been moved three time…THREE! No more, no less. Now go to each EVEN line and take out every SIXTH letter. cascade as before, only backwards. Write each string of letters linearly on a piece of paper. Hold letter from the even lines in the right hand and odd lines in the…no….wait. Even lines in the left hand…odd lines in the even hand. Hold on. I am getting confused. I think I forgot my medicine today.

    –20 minutes (?) later–

    Ahhhh. That’s better. Everything is clear now. So, take the even list in your right hand, odd in your left, superimpose them and, from each pairing, take the letter that, when you add of the numeric value of its place in the alphabet if of GREATER absolute value. Then it is just a matter of solving the cryptogram and translating it from the Ancient Sumerian I wrote it in. Make sure it is the ANCIENT Sumerian, not that CONTEMPORARY Sumerian that is popular in the BEAT basements in Seattle or Beer Nights in the back room of Moe’s Cholesterol Shack in Green Bay. They are so trepiculogous. I giggle.

    Any, there’s my address. Send brownies.

  2. Seriously, you guys: two words.
    “Reality. Show”.

    Instant millionaires.
    😉

    • LOL So true. Know any interested producers? It would be way more interesting, and CRAZY, than the stuff that’s usually shown on TV.

  3. JTR! My man! I think you know a secret. Shhhhhhh! We’re hunting wabbits1 You are so right and i am trying. Pennies for Beckel…Game of Thrones America…. I am pushing man, but no one listen. I think they are afraid because my name is NOT “Prudential” and they do NOT want a Piece of the Rock. Dwayne who? punk! and, if they THINK they do, then it won’t be a PIECE, it”ll be the Whole Damned Thing.

    WHoOP!

    How many opportunities can one man miss? I HAD Mad Max and Mission Impossible…but I was too tall and handsome. Stallone just INSISTED that he be the lead in both Rambo and Rocky…..I did “Tiptoe Through The Graden” for Simon. LA Reid told me privately that he like me but he was under contract to only praise black groups…..I even had it SET for Godfather, but they said I was too charismatic and wanted to go with some unknown whop who speaks at navel level. Don;t argue with me…You’re out of order!
    yle
    So, fine…since none of the MAJOR companies will pick us up, i’ll accept your Indy offer…but I have conditions. I want an island and a t-shirt that says, “I’m crazy. leave me alone or I’ll piss my pants and vomit on you.”…and I want a clock like Flav-o-flav, but CHOKER style….5 pounds of lard and 300 feet of 3/8″ climbing rope gauged at 500 pounds. (I plan on bringing lots of frozen chicken)

    If you went camping with someone and woke up tied, covered in chicken fat with a hoarse throat, would you tell anyone? No? Wanna go camping?

    WHOOP!

    Don’t pay attention to me….I’m crazy. Crazy like a fox…..or a psych patient. The jury is still out….GUILTY on both counts.

    WHOOP!

    My wife digs you blog, btw. She’s erudite…She rich…She;s gorgeous…She got HUGE…tracts of land.

    Isn’t it great that there was a benefit that none of the affected could see for the benefit of those who voted for someone who let them down? Matt Lauer’s awesome! We should put leaches on him and suck out the awesomennes, distill it and create an inoculation so we can all be as awesome as Matt Lauer

    BACK OFF! I am a trained professional. I will apply the leaches.

    So, just tell me when PRODUCTION starts and I’ll take off the collander and uncover the Third Eye. I will admit that maybe Australia was too much to ask. I’ll take Iceland. HA! Thought I’d say Greenland? I”m no fool! I know that the baby seals are gone and there’s nothing left to eat there. Sneaky Norweigans.

    Glad to see you, BRO…wlecome to the Wild Side! You can have as big a soda sd you want here. Mayor WHO? Doncha just wanna smack him? jumping-twisting-running on a blade of grass-terrentino-punch through you to your past life-8745 degree twist penile two handed gore.

    How many transvestites does a man need to turn to get a TV show?

    Is it just me or is Angela Merkel hot?

  4. Too funny.
    😉
    BTW: I lived in WV for 7 years: was promoted In, and 7 years later promoted OUT.
    Very nice place.

    I’d suggest Charleston, if you have the choice. You could pick it up and drop it anywhere in the country — it’d be just fine.

    Have a great weekend, kids…..

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