It has come to my attention that I may spend too much time writing about how well I’m doing, and not enough time talking about the issues I continue to struggle with, making people think that I am this wonderful, amazing person who does no wrong and has turned into the “DBT Queen”. I don’t want to give people the wrong impression of me. I had thought that I would focus on my improvement and how much better I am doing rather than whining about the issues I continue to have, but obviously I am making people think that I believe I am far better off than I actually am. I considered just shutting down my blog when I heard that comment as I don’t want to make people think I’m something or someone I’m not, but this has been very therapeutic for me, so I figured I would just open myself up and spill out all the ways I’m still fucking up. After all, I know that I’m not perfect, and I wouldn’t want to give the perception that the opposite is true.
I still have a hard time controlling my anger. The slightest things will set me off and make me want to break something. I haven’t broken anything or put a hole in the wall recently, but the intense anger is still there, waiting to wreck havoc.
I still hurt my husband on a daily basis. More like hourly basis. More like every minute or two. I have stopped saying and doing things for the sole purpose of hurting him, but since I have a hard time controlling my impulses (like shooting off my mouth when I’m angry or hurt), things still slip out unintentionally. There are also times that I think and think and think about what I say before I say it, but it still comes out wildly inappropriate. I am learning that not all things that go through my head are acceptable to pass through my mouth.
I have a hard time controlling my tone of voice. I can say the nicest, sweetest thing, but I’ve learned that if I’m not FEELING nice and sweet, the words can come out rather acerbic. I think that this area may be my biggest downfall. For whatever reason, I cannot make myself ACT nice and kind if I’m feeling angry or frustrated. My feelings leak out of my every word, and I HATE it.
I also have an immensely hard time controlling the looks that cross my face. Jay can say something to me that I don’t like, and, even if I can control WHAT I say and HOW I say it, there may be an ugly, nasty look that appears on my face. Jay notices it every time. I feel like being able to swallow what I WANT to say, and only have a discontented look on my face is a HUGE improvement, but I am aware that looks can still hurt feelings.
I have cut since I told myself that I had stopped for good. I’m trying to be kind to myself this time, though, and take care of it as I should. I am also trying to give myself a break by telling myself that one cut in seven or eight weeks is pretty damn good considering where I was two months ago. I have also struggled with thoughts of hurting myself in these past two months, but that was the only time I gave in.
I still have a rather negative attitude on things. My fallback for anything is to react negatively, or see the worst in that situation. I may be critical and ask a lot of questions that are focused on the worst possible thing happening. I have to remind myself to take a breath and focus on the good things that may happen. I have to refocus my mind on the positive.
I continue to let my anxiety get the best of me. If I’m worried or stressed about something, all I will do is nit-pick about everything and worry about everything. I feel there are so many things I can’t control that make me anxious that I really clamp down on the things I CAN control, making life unbearable for those around me.
I’m sure there are more bad behaviors that I continue to exhibit. Things ARE getting better, though. I know that it takes a long time to reverse the behaviors that have been ingrained in me my entire life. I am trying to not focus on all the wrong things I continue to do, but instead focus on the things I’ve improved upon and the things that I am doing right. I know I will continue to do the wrong things and be hurtful. My hope is just that, over time, this will happen less and less. I cannot change overnight, as much as I may want to.