And Now For the TRUTH

It has come to my attention that I may spend too much time writing about how well I’m doing, and not enough time talking about the issues I continue to struggle with, making people think that I am this wonderful, amazing person who does no wrong and has turned into the “DBT Queen”.  I don’t want to give people the wrong impression of me.  I had thought that I would focus on my improvement and how much better I am doing rather than whining about the issues I continue to have, but obviously I am making people think that I believe I am far better off than I actually am.  I considered just shutting down my blog when I heard that comment as I don’t want to make people think I’m something or someone I’m not, but this has been very therapeutic for me, so I figured I would just open myself up and spill out all the ways I’m still fucking up.  After all, I know that I’m not perfect, and I wouldn’t want to give the perception that the opposite is true.

I still have a hard time controlling my anger.  The slightest things will set me off and make me want to break something.  I haven’t broken anything or put a hole in the wall recently, but the intense anger is still there, waiting to wreck havoc.

I still hurt my husband on a daily basis.  More like hourly basis.  More like every minute or two.  I have stopped saying and doing things for the sole purpose of hurting him, but since I have a hard time controlling my impulses (like shooting off my mouth when I’m angry or hurt), things still slip out unintentionally.  There are also times that I think and think and think about what I say before I say it, but it still comes out wildly inappropriate.  I am learning that not all things that go through my head are acceptable to pass through my mouth.

I have a hard time controlling my tone of voice.  I can say the nicest, sweetest thing, but I’ve learned that if I’m not FEELING nice and sweet, the words can come out rather acerbic.  I think that this area may be my biggest downfall.  For whatever reason, I cannot make myself ACT nice and kind if I’m feeling angry or frustrated.  My feelings leak out of my every word, and I HATE it.

I also have an immensely hard time controlling the looks that cross my face.  Jay can say something to me that I don’t like, and, even if I can control WHAT I say and HOW I say it, there may be an ugly, nasty look that appears on my face.  Jay notices it every time.  I feel like being able to swallow what I WANT to say, and only have a discontented look on my face is a HUGE improvement, but I am aware that looks can still hurt feelings.

I have cut since I told myself that I had stopped for good.  I’m trying to be kind to myself this time, though, and take care of it as I should.  I am also trying to give myself a break by telling myself that one cut in seven or eight weeks is pretty damn good considering where I was two months ago.  I have also struggled with thoughts of hurting myself in these past two months, but that was the only time I gave in.

I still have a rather negative attitude on things.  My fallback for anything is to react negatively, or see the worst in that situation.  I may be critical and ask a lot of questions that are focused on the worst possible thing happening.  I have to remind myself to take a breath and focus on the good things that may happen.  I have to refocus my mind on the positive.

I continue to let my anxiety get the best of me.  If I’m worried or stressed about something, all I will do is nit-pick about everything and worry about everything.  I feel there are so many things I can’t control that make me anxious that I really clamp down on the things I CAN control, making life unbearable for those around me.

I’m sure there are more bad behaviors that I continue to exhibit.  Things ARE getting better, though.  I know that it takes a long time to reverse the behaviors that have been ingrained in me my entire life.  I am trying to not focus on all the wrong things I continue to do, but instead focus on the things I’ve improved upon and the things that I am doing right.  I know I will continue to do the wrong things and be hurtful.  My hope is just that, over time, this will happen less and less.  I cannot change overnight, as much as I may want to.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Cutting, Daily Life, DBT, Health, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | 8 Comments

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8 thoughts on “And Now For the TRUTH

  1. You’re doing a great job! You motivate me to keep doing what I’m doing to better myself and heal old wounds. Love your blog 🙂

  2. I think that putting it all out there has to be therapeutic for you. Congrats on keeping the blog! Don’t let anyone tell you how you are supposed to feel and what you’re supposed to do. You’re more than allowed to congratulate yourself on all of your progress, and let the world know it too! You don’t have to get down on yourself in every blog entry. I think it’s more than appropriate to celebrate your successes!

    This is good, too. It’s all good. I like the honesty. And you’ve really shown me that progress is progress, no matter how far we still have to go. I should start counting my wins, rather than counting all of the things I haven’t gotten to as loses.

    • Thanks for your comment! Absolutely focus on the progress you’re making! Otherwise you will get so bogged down in how you “should” be, that it will seem like nothing will EVER get better! Focus on the positive 🙂

  3. MBC

    Love it. Let the critics walk a mile in your shoes. The good times are small miracles worth savoring. I read myself in so much of your writing. I am very angry with no idea why. I hurt everyone around me and especially my family. It has cost me my wife and hopefully I can avert chasing away my kids.Thanks for being a real person in this virtual arena.

    • I’m sorry about what you’ve had to go through. I’m glad to hear you can relate to what I’m saying, though. It’s always nice to hear I’ve connected with someone. Thanks for your comment!

  4. You make me feel like there is a hope. I still don’t understand it but that is because I only just got diagnosed. Thank you for writing xx

    • There absolutely IS hope! It may feel like the future is just a deep, dark black hole, but it does get better. Thanks for your comment!

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