How’s THAT for Some Black and White Thinking?


***Please don’t try the below or think it is a good idea.  I would not recommend it for anyone.***

 

Black and white thinking is a part of borderline personality disorder.  Seeing things all one way or the other.  People being all good or all bad.  No grey.  No in-between.  I see this in so many areas of my life.  Today it hit me that I am going through a GLARING example of black and white thinking.

I have been thinking for the past month or so that I need to do something about my weight.  No, I am not going to share poundage.  I am also not going to write post after post obsessing about my weight.  Not on this blog, anyway.  So, I noticed things REALLY got out of hand in the past couple weeks.  Since Jay and I relocated to Wild Wonderful West Virginia, we have had a lot more disposable income.  We don’t have to pay for lodging or any utilities.  My office is just five minutes away from our hotel, so I am only filling up my gas tank every other week.  We haven’t really been able to eat out in the past, so we have been doing it a lot this past month.  Also, we don’t have a stove in our hotel room, so it’s not like we can really cook anything.  We have been going crazy dining on Thai food (which they didn’t have in Little Rock!!), pizza, burgers and chicken wings.  I can’t speak for Jay, but I know that I have been stuffing myself at every meal.  Beyond stuffing.  To the point where I felt like I could barely moo-ve after I ate.  Get it?  “Moo-ve”?  Like a COW!!

Anyway, I decided to change my eating habits.  For now, anyway.  I’m sure I’ll go back to gorging within six months, but that is not now.  Not only have I cut out ALL the junk food and take out, I’ve pretty much cut out all food.  No, not just by my will power.  I am using a homemade ECA stack.  It stands for ephedrine, caffeine, and aspirin.  The ephedrine suppresses your appetite.  It may also pump up your metabolism some.  I think the caffeine is just for extra energy.  The aspirin helps keep your blood pressure down (the other pills jack it up) and helps keep the ephedrine in your body longer for maximum effect.  If one uses this ECA stack daily, eats moderately, and exercises, one can lose up to two pounds a week.  Phffff…forget that! That’s not NEARLY enough!

I started taking the ECA stack last Friday.  It has nearly wiped out my appetite.  I have been eating only a piece or two of fruit and a salad (with some cheese, chicken, NO dressing) pretty much each day since.  It is currently 4:48 in the afternoon.  All I have consumed today is a small tangerine.

How fucked up is that?  And what an awesome example of black and white thinking.  I think my weight is a problem, so I go from GORGING myself to STARVING myself.  I know how this is going to end, too, seeing as how I’ve used this approach before.  This will end, several months down the road, with me looking a lot thinner, but FEELING pretty crappy.  Already I have weird stabbing head pains.  I am unsteady on my feet and can’t hold anything without my hand shaking.  In a week or two, my sleep patterns will start to get screwy.  I will feel like I’m floating through life in a dream due to lack of sleep and lack of nutrition.  I will be nauseous for a good part of the day.  I will carry TREMENDOUS guilt for every morsel I put in my mouth, even if it is only lettuce.  I haven’t added exercise to this equation, yet, but, if I do, that will become another obsession.  I will work out as much as I can throughout the day.  While I’m at home or at work, I will be thinking about the next time I can exercise.  I will beat myself up if I do not work out as much as I could, or if I skip a session.

Maybe one day I will be able to implement a reasonable diet and exercise plan.  That’s what I WANT to do, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.  It seems like it wouldn’t be a quick enough weight loss. It would take too long.  It would be too hard (because not eating all day is EASY).  I know I am a victim of my black and white thinking here.  I know it, but I can’t stop it.  At least I’m aware of it, I suppose.  Perhaps sometime in 2013 I will be able to insert a little grey into my life.

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Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Diet, Health, Life, Mental Illness, Self Harm, Self-Injury | Tags: , | 7 Comments

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7 thoughts on “How’s THAT for Some Black and White Thinking?

  1. I actually enjoy my black and white thinking sometimes.

    • I’m sure it black and white thinking can have it’s benefits. I’m still learning to recognize it in myself, though. It keeps getting me into trouble. I look forward to the day where I don’t see it as burden. It’s nice to know that some people do enjoy their black and white thinking. Thanks for your comment. 🙂

  2. The Quiet Borderline (back in hospital)

    Just came across your blog. I wanted to offer you my support and wanted to wish you better. Please try to look after yourself better. You are an intelligent and strong person. I enjoyed reading your blog. Take care.

    • Thanks for reading, and thanks for your support and complimentary words. I may not be able to take care of myself as I should, but my husband is watching out for me. 🙂

  3. I tried tone treated for my eating disorder but having read what you put it makes more sense that it is a symptom of my BPD rather than its own thing ( hence why I gained in therapy, it was a if recovering must eat everything) never thought of it like that

    • Yeah, I thought for a long time that I had some sort of eating disorder. Always eating far too much or far too little. A symptom of BPD made so much more sense to me than me having an eating disorder.

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