For a long time, I have known that I am very sensitive to things people say and do. I am easily hurt. This is a part of having borderline personality disorder. I’m not exactly sure WHICH part of BPD this would be ascribed to. Maybe the unstable self-image makes me more sensitive to negative comments because I’m not sure who I am? Maybe because of the feelings of worthlessness, I think other people see me that way, too? Maybe because of my fear of rejection, I’m sure that other people are listing off my negative attributes so they feel justified in leaving? Whatever the reason, I am easily impacted by things people say. Even if they don’t say them about ME. If I haven’t heard, or don’t know, who the comment was directed at, I will automatically assume it was directed at ME. If something goes wrong at work, I’m sure it’s my fault until I hear all the details. If Jay is upset or has had a bad day, I sit off to the side, afraid that his bad day was my doing. Every negative comment, or feeling, someone expresses, I think it is about me.
Every couple days or so, a search shows up in my WordPress stats. “I hate my borderline sister” Every time I see it, I wonder if it was a search by my sister. I would think that after a time or two, she would either know my blog site, or she would bookmark it so that she didn’t have to search for it. Then I think that it is her fun little way of saying “fuck you” to me. That’s the kind of thing I would do. I would relish entering a mean search term, time after time, just to get it out. Just to feel better. It may be easier to bookmark a page, but it FEELS better to type in something nasty each time. Just fueling the hurt, anger, and resentment one may feel.
I don’t know if it is my sister using this search term. It’s probably not. It’s probably done by different people each time. My BPD tells me it’s directed at me, though. My BPD tells me that, even though she lived with our mother (and still does) and knows what a demon she is intent on destroying everything in her path, my sister still hates me for “causing drama” in the family. I guess I won’t ever know.