Time to Reconsider Isolation

It’s probably no secret at this point that I have problems with personal relationships.  I’m estranged from my family.  I lost my only remaining friend many many months ago.  I have been pondering here and here and here whether or not I even want to involve other people in my life.  I’m starting to think that maybe I’m a little suspicious of people.  A little?  LMCAO (laughing my crazy ass off) – what an understatement.  I don’t feel that I can be blamed for this, though, seeing as how every person but one that I have put my faith and trust in has dropped me like a hot potato.

Crazy Jay likes to think he is the same way about people.  He likes to think that he doesn’t get too close.  Just the opposite is actually true.   Jay has a tendency to become fast friends with people.  If he has met someone more than once and they are nice to him, he starts to think of them like a friend.  It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when he does this.  I sit back, watching him interact or listening to him talk to his newest “friend”.  I cringe as he asks personal questions, and then shares personal stories from his life.  I am so sure that the other person on the phone is going to tell him to leave them alone, devastating him once again.  He has had a lot of people leave and disappoint him, too.  I don’t think he needs any more pain from people.

I was thinking the other day, though, that he may be more correct in his approach to people than I am.  I keep people out.  I don’t give them the chance to get close.  If I see them trying to get close, I will either actively push them away (and then wonder where they went), or I will shut down my emotions and not allow myself to feel anything.  Jay, on the other hand, pursues people.  He calls people on the phone.  He talks to them and acts interested.  He engages them in conversation.  He has fun little nicknames for them.  He hangs out with them.  He may call them “friend” quicker than makes me comfortable, but he actually has people around him.  Maybe not many.  Maybe not as many friends as “normal” people have, but he has more friends than me.  He has people he can turn to when he is feeling especially loquacious.  He has people he can call when he’s bored.

I may not rush into a platonic relationship anytime soon, but maybe it’s time to start revising my views about people in general.  I think I need to stop being so suspicious.  I need to stop expecting to be hurt.  I need to stop assuming that the only reason people approach me is because they want something from me.  I’m aware (and scared to death!) that I’m opening myself up for more hurt.  I think that may be better than a life lived apart from other people, though.  Even as I write this, my head is arguing with me.  I guess it’s just something to roll around in my head.

Categories: Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Life, Marriage, Mental Illness, Relationships | Tags: , | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “Time to Reconsider Isolation

  1. I don’t have many friends, but I have a few. I have lots of casual acquaintances at work that I talk to. People are mostly good, give them a chance. And yes, eventually they’ll hurt you. Decide if the hurt is bad enough to stop contact and get on with your life. It’s good to have some folks you can rely on when the going gets really rough.

  2. MBC

    I can’t keep friends at all. But I don’t get hurt by that. It’s because I never let anyone in too far. Was married 25 years and still believe she never cracked the first few layers of my defenses. Its my makeup, who I am. I gave up trying to change it and am working on understanding it and figuring out how to live with it. Hope you find your answers…MBC

  3. I feel the same way you do about people. I am cautious (overly so) about becoming friends too fast and I do tend to keep people out, usually without even knowing it. I recall my kindergarten and grade school years with a sort of fondness – it was so much easier to make friends when we were younger. I’m trying to approach people now with warmth and acceptance no matter what. I figure I can always boot them out of my life later, and as harsh as that sounds, I think that mentality is helping.

    • So true that it was easier to make friends as a child, but I still struggled with that since I was so shy. I absolutely do NOT think it’s harsh to “boot” people from your life. If they are bringing you down and bad for your mental health, I say get rid of them! I’ve had to do that several times. I think that’s probably why I just keep everyone out now. It seems easier to keep them out than to let them in and have to kick them out later.

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  5. Well, HOWDY! I have given a lot of thought of thought to this response. not the usual WHOOPishness…at least not at the start. There’s no telling where the train will end.

    You are right in what you say. Regarding you…OH YEAH! I know you and I can SEE that you show NOTHING to most other people. I “got in under the wire” as far as you shutting people out. We have been to the same places and you know how I feel, too.

    You are right about me. I “like to think” I am the same way. I am…but only when I am angry. Then the crab seals up and the case is lost. GOD, though, with HIS loony sense of humor, seems to always like to soften me over time. I HATE THAT! I hate myself because I do not have the constitution you do that you can shut the valves down and leave them closed.

    I ignore what I KNOW. Much to the chagrin of one of your other commentators, PEOPLE are NOT “basically good.” If people were “basically good” then children (“good” or “blank slates”) would have to LEARN how to lie. Anyone who has kids knows that lying comes instinctively. Furthermore, we know that MAN, by nature, is FALLEN.

    I know….your blog is not “religious,” but I say this not to make a theological/philosophical point, but rather to further bolster my reasoning for hating myself. I should KNOW better. Yet, still, I run in open-nosed, exposing myself over and over to unnecessary pain.

    I am learning, though. I stopped making phone calls.

    I will say this in my defense, because, after all, you did make me sound like a little girl a bit…LOL….: After years (decades?) of just “taking it” when they inevitably disappoint me like I used to, now I feel compelled to make THEM pay for their recklessness.

    I try to be courteous. I TELL them, and you know this, that I am Balls-to-the-Wall and that they need be ready to jump into the deep end—off the 1,720 yard board (that’s a HIGH DIVE!) or walk away…so it is not my fault.

    Thinks about it….ALL of the drama, damage, death and destruction of the end of SCARFACE could have been avoided if Tony had only REALLY BELIEVED the Colombian drug lord when he said, “Don’t fuck me, Tony. Don’t you ever try to fuck me.”

    Maybe I should try that. If someone PRESENTS themselves to me as a Potential Friend, I can go all Godfather on them. There is no Little Italy here and I don’t like espresso so it would go like this……

    ……I invite them to the Fru-Fru Cake Eater Coffee Shoppe and, after the highly skilled BARRISTA (is it with an -o- is it is a guy) has made our triple mocha lattes with Bavarian felched cream, in the middle of a light chat, I slap Black Beauty on the table and, while staring intently in their eyes, say, “Don’t fuck me. Don’t you ever try to fuck me.”

    The more I consider it, the more it seems that would be an effective Weeding Out Exercise….you know, so I can find out who really means it. I doubt very seriously it will EVER lead to my sword at someone’s throat while I scream in their face, “Will you die for me?!?!”….well….improbable.


    Would someone shoot that GOD damned bird?

    No…wait…nevermind! BAD MONKEY! Do NOT shoot the bird!

  6. Has anyone ever sat down with you and told you about BPD and its causes? Just curious.
    I have actually been on both sides of the coin with this. In h.s. I was actually one of the “popular” kids (dare I admit preppy?) So on the surface, I had tons of friends. Except that no one knew that every day I hated myself because the fun loving happy out going teen was actuallty trapped inside the external mask! I felt as if I were nothing more than an empty shell of myself putting on the best damn show of my life! always had it drilled into me that no matter what was going on, you pretend that everything is perfect and wonderful! I actually still struggle with that brain washed mindset to this day, but only during times of great stress.
    I have been saying for some time niw, “I’m not racisist, I hate everybody!” which is still pretty true. I no longer have many friends, sure I’m upwards of some 400 people on FB, and 115 on twitter. But I don’t really interact with them in person, and they only know what I allow them to know! I may go weeks only interacting miniumly with the cashiers at the local convience store and grocery store. I try to make my husband stop on his way home from work to pick up stuff for dinner.
    And tgen there are times I want to be a little social butterfly…you need to figure out your bounderies, and don’t ever apoligize for being you!

    • I have been in DBT and seen an individual therapist, but no one has really discussed out loud borderline personality disorder with me. All I know is what I’ve read online about it. I had to move and end my therapy a couple months ago, but I’m looking into starting it back up shortly.

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