It’s probably no secret at this point that I have problems with personal relationships. I’m estranged from my family. I lost my only remaining friend many many months ago. I have been pondering here and here and here whether or not I even want to involve other people in my life. I’m starting to think that maybe I’m a little suspicious of people. A little? LMCAO (laughing my crazy ass off) – what an understatement. I don’t feel that I can be blamed for this, though, seeing as how every person but one that I have put my faith and trust in has dropped me like a hot potato.
Crazy Jay likes to think he is the same way about people. He likes to think that he doesn’t get too close. Just the opposite is actually true. Jay has a tendency to become fast friends with people. If he has met someone more than once and they are nice to him, he starts to think of them like a friend. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when he does this. I sit back, watching him interact or listening to him talk to his newest “friend”. I cringe as he asks personal questions, and then shares personal stories from his life. I am so sure that the other person on the phone is going to tell him to leave them alone, devastating him once again. He has had a lot of people leave and disappoint him, too. I don’t think he needs any more pain from people.
I was thinking the other day, though, that he may be more correct in his approach to people than I am. I keep people out. I don’t give them the chance to get close. If I see them trying to get close, I will either actively push them away (and then wonder where they went), or I will shut down my emotions and not allow myself to feel anything. Jay, on the other hand, pursues people. He calls people on the phone. He talks to them and acts interested. He engages them in conversation. He has fun little nicknames for them. He hangs out with them. He may call them “friend” quicker than makes me comfortable, but he actually has people around him. Maybe not many. Maybe not as many friends as “normal” people have, but he has more friends than me. He has people he can turn to when he is feeling especially loquacious. He has people he can call when he’s bored.
I may not rush into a platonic relationship anytime soon, but maybe it’s time to start revising my views about people in general. I think I need to stop being so suspicious. I need to stop expecting to be hurt. I need to stop assuming that the only reason people approach me is because they want something from me. I’m aware (and scared to death!) that I’m opening myself up for more hurt. I think that may be better than a life lived apart from other people, though. Even as I write this, my head is arguing with me. I guess it’s just something to roll around in my head.