As I start writing this, I’m still unsure of whether or not I will post it. My head is pretty messed up right now. It’s a swirl of thoughts and emotions. I feel like the only way to have some peace this afternoon is to just get it all out. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m disappointed. I’m relieved. I’m vindicated. I’m ANGRY. I’m resolved. It has all been made so clear to me now, and it really kinda sucks that I was right in my original assessment of my birth family.
When I cut off contact with them over three months ago, I was sure of my decision. I was happier overnight because of it. I was no longer dwelling on all the negativeness that goes along with being involved with my birth family. As time has passed, I’ve received several emails from different members of that family, mainly my mother. Each time I heard from one of them, they acted like they didn’t know anything was wrong. They pretended like they didn’t know I was hurt and upset. They said nothing about the issues I had with them, and kept their emails light and fluffy. Now, in their defense, it wasn’t until after Thanksgiving that I officially told them I wanted nothing more to do with them. However I was 95% certain that they had been reading my blog. My blog views were going up exponentially, and I found searches that included my real name. At the time, there was no one (besides Crazy Jay) in my real life that knew I was writing this blog, and I had not yet put my real name or picture up.
I received confirmation over the weekend that my birth family had indeed been keeping up with my blog. My brother sent me an email. Blah blah blah “How are you?” Blah blah blah “Busy with work.” Then, he asked me about my new job. Strange that he would ask that since I was offered this job two full months after I stopped communicating with that family. He said he heard my address may be changing, and asked if it had happened. Also strange, since I wasn’t told by my company that there was a chance I would be moving until at least two months after my last email to my mother. Then he wanted to know if my new job involved travel, and how I liked it. Why, oh why, would he ask about travel? I had not told that to anyone in my birth family. I hadn’t told a one of them about a new job, an address change, or possible travel. My last remaining friend had turned out to be a spy for my mother (she always told me she had spies everywhere), but I hadn’t spoken to her since early this summer, well before making the decision to cut ties with my birth family. How would they have obtained this information? Such a mystery…
…NOT!! The questions that my brother asked 100% confirmed to me that my birth family has been reading my blog. They have read all the posts about how I’ve been hurt by them. They have read all the posts where I blame my overly-critical mother for the way I feel about myself. They have read the posts where I talk about suicide, self-harm, and therapy. They have read all the posts and know what is going on with me. They KNOW the depths of what I have felt; towards them, towards myself, and towards life in general. They know, and yet they act like nothing is going on.
If one of them, just one of them, along the way had mentioned that they were reading my blog… If one of them had said they knew how I was feeling… If one of them had acknowledged the hurt and pain I was experiencing, there would have been a chance for this relationship to be mended. If just one person in that family had been honest and at least acknowledged me in some small way, that would have gone a looong way to fixing things.
Instead, they just ignored me. They turned a blind eye. They stuck their fingers in their ears, squeezed their eyes tight, and started whistling so they could pretend like they didn’t hear me.
Before I left Little Rock, my therapist asked me what would have to happen for me to open the communication with them. She actually asked specifically about my mother, but the answer is the same for the whole lot of them: They would have to acknowledge that I am hurt, and that they played at least a small role in that. They would have to respect me and cease trying to control and manipulate me. They would basically have to become different people. I knew it wouldn’t happen, though. I told my therapist as much.
After receiving verification that my birth family has, in fact, been keeping up with my blog but continuing to pretend nothing is wrong, I’ve decided it doesn’t matter what happens after this. After reading the email from my brother over the weekend, I foolishly thought that he and I (and his wife and my two young nieces) could have a relationship. I thought that may open the door to a renewed relationship with my birth family. The more I think about it, the angrier I become. All they had to do was say something. All they had to do was PRETEND to care. I know they’re good at pretending. Oh, don’t I know.
Any chance there was at reconciliation is gone. I did email my brother back, but this was three days ago. I was pretty direct with him. I basically asked him if our mother was using him as a spy. His lack of response spoke volumes.
I encourage any member of my birth family to contact me now. If I see them in person, I will spit in their face. Otherwise, I will just have to settle for telling them to fuck off.
And now, let me share a lovely little short story I wrote a couple months ago. It seems fitting. Again I give you… The Story of Lil’ Deb! Enjoy 🙂