Yup, I Can Be a Bitch

In my last post, I had no intention of placing any blame on Jay for the situation, nor do I think he is at fault.  Yes, my feelings were hurt at his reaction when I tried to tell him what was going on in my head, but I know that he has a lot going on in HIS head, too.  Maybe more than I do right now.  I know it must be hard to deal with a wife who constantly expresses her dissatisfaction for things.

I try not to.  I didn’t realize I was being overly critical, and, if asked, I would have said that was definitely NOT happening.  I know that there is a lot that makes me unhappy, but I was unaware that I was expressing my dissatisfaction as much as I was.  I can look back now and say that, yes, I would reluctantly agree that I was being overly critical or negative.  I think that’s because that’s what I saw growing up.  There weren’t many positive things said in the household of my birth family.  There was always time for criticisms, though.  It’s unfortunate that I didn’t realize earlier on that I was emulating my mother.  I know if I had noticed this behavior sooner, it would have saved Jay and myself a lot of fights, anger, and cross words.

Don’t get me wrong, Jay pointed out many many many times that I was doing this, and each time I would argue with him.  I would either straight up deny being mainly negative and critical, or I would try to explain to him why it was acceptable in that specific situation.  It got to the point where Jay had to say that, unless it was IMPERATIVE (we’re talking life or death, or something MAJOR here), I was not to say anything to him that could be construed as critical or negative.  I was not to express my discontent with the grocer at the store.  I was not to complain about traffic.  I was not to mention the way towels are hung, or any trash or dishes left out.  I wasn’t supposed to talk about the things going on in my head.  I wasn’t to bitch about work.

I guess I had to be pretty bad to be told that all I could say to Jay were only positive or neutral things.  Nothing even remotely negative.  It’s been going like this for a few days, now.  For the most part, I am able to keep my negative, critical, comments to myself.  He may disagree, though.  I know all the things that I WANT to say and don’t, but all he hears is what I actually DO say.

I’m hoping that, once Jay starts getting into therapy and working on his issues, things will be better in our relationship.  Once things aren’t so muddled in his head and he is able to breathe a little easier, I think all communication will open up again.  I don’t want to be negative and critical, but obviously I am.  I know that Jay doesn’t want our relationship to be like this, either.  I know that we are both pretty messed up, and we need to be loving and understanding to overcome this.  I know we WILL overcome everything, I’m just not sure how long or hard the road is going to be.  I guess that’s what the vows “for better or worse” and “in sickness and in health” are for.

Categories: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Marriage, Mental Illness, Relationships, Thoughts | Tags: , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Yup, I Can Be a Bitch

  1. First of I have to preface my comment by saying that I have never in my 59 (yes, 59) years had a successful relationship. That said, I have learned a lot about what makes relationships work. I once went to a couple’s 35th anniversary party. I asked the husband what he thought was the most important factor in having a long and happy marriage. His response? “A short memory.” Then I walked across the room and asked his wife the same question. Her answer? “A short memory.” My parents have been married for 65 years (!!!) and they say, “you have to pick your battles.” In other words, if something is left where you don’t want it, put it back and leave it be. If there are dishes in the sink, wash them up and let it go, unless it is part of a housework agreement or becomes a chronic problem. If your husband forgets to come home one night (as one of my ex-husbands did), now THAT’s something deserving of a fit. These are the things I’ve learned so far. I wish you all the best in working things out. Are you in couples therapy?

    • We are not in couple’s therapy, but that is definitely something to consider. Thanks for your advice. A short memory would be beneficial here! 🙂

  2. This is tough. We can get so entrenched in negative thoughts that they’ll end up dominating our tongues without our realizing it. I hope you and Jay can work out some sort of a compromise.

  3. Mandi

    Ah Meg, I’ve never known how you’ve both done it. I live with a husband who is far to “normal” and level headed. 🙂 You guys both have at times distorted thinking and how you’ve been able to get through that I don’t know! The fact that you’re still together, that you just posted that you’re not perfect, is so huge! I think it’s normal in ANY marriage to get REAL pissed at each other for a good reason or not.

    Couples therapy has been recommended to us, even though my husband is one of the “norms”. We haven’t done it yet because it’s SO much just to do my therapy alone. But considering how much you BOTH have to deal with, maybe soul survivor is right. Maybe someone could teach you how to deal with each OTHER. Man it’s bad enough for my husband to learn to deal with me.

    Thinking of you guys.


    • Jay and I both agree with each other on this one: It is 100% God keeping us together. Thanks for your thoughts, Mandi! 🙂

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